For me, everything goes back to The Brady Bunch and this crapisode, well, is of no exception. Everyone is still in Hawaii because it’s Mauricio’s birthday and apparently this is the kind of party you have when Estrella has a new face and won’t bake you a birthday cake in the shape of a taco with queso for frosting. Kim has finally made it onto the island and while she says she was only a few hours late, we later learn that a few hours actually equals 36. After taking a shot of confidence juice, Mauricio decides to call Kim’s boyfriend, Ken, out on why they were so late for this dumb birthday party. Even though Kim’s voice was on camera in the previous episode saying that she was missing the plane because she misplaced her license and crack pipe, they’re now going with a whole new story with all sorts of twists and turns and include the fact that Ken had to work…even though he is “retired.” Evidently this was the one day during the week where he had to work. Ken handles this “take no prisoners” line of questioning like a champ by shaking, twitching, spitting, and stuttering all whilst trying to answer the questions. Basically he’s doing an impersonation of Kim. The only way I’d believe that Ken was a retiree is if he was the original Jeeves from AskJeeves.com. That goes without saying. Kim tries to sweep things under the rug by pretending they’re having a wonderful time at their outdoor dinner overlooking the ocean even though I’m almost certain right now Kim thinks she’s having sandwiches in the ball-pit of Chuck E. Cheese’s with the lady who played Thelma on Amen. And you know what? I wish she was. I wish she really was. (Doo Doo Dooooo) At one point, Mauricio gives a toast about “truth” and then gives Kim the side-eye and when he asks her to confess she, too, starts shaking and spraying everywhere. Why does Mauricio think he’s more of a housewife than Dana this season?
As if Kim’s trip couldn’t be more cursed she overslept the morning when everyone was going snorkeling because she didn’t realize for 3 days that her phone didn’t work so she missed her wake-up call. That’s probably because in a drug induced stupor, Kim was using her phone as a bar of soap. Kyle and Lisa Vandershutyourmouth bang on Kim’s door and eventually hop the balcony to see if they can see what’s going on in Kim’s room and, quite honestly, how a fully functioning meth lab works. It’s basically like Mr. Wizard, but for adults. How this turned into an episode of Three’s Company is beyond me, but I was waiting for Mr. Firley to pop out of the balcony bushes with binoculars around his neck and a Pina Colada in his hand while Lana fanned herself on the lounge chair in the background. Just me?
Kyle has had enough and so she decides that they’re no longer going to wait for Kim and Ken’s uppers to become downers so they all decide to go on the boat without them. By the time Kim finally makes it to the dock, the boat is long gone and Kim takes the next 20 minutes to keep saying that “everything happens for a reason” and how “relaxed” she was just sitting on a plastic chair and eating lunch. I honestly have no idea what these two are talking about. They’re not even really talking to each other. They’re just saying unique statements into the wind, basically. While Kim keeps saying that everything happens for a reason, Ken starts talking about how his eye got poked and he doesn’t know how. Ken! For the love of God you’ve got to wear protective goggles whilst melting down 27 packages of Sudafed (the kind behind the pharmacy if ya know what I mean). Clearly I don’t know how meth is made but the people at the Walgreen’s pharmacy sure think I do because they basically make me swear on a Bible at the register that I won’t make meth out of their special Sudafed. Is that the drug that you put on a metal spoon and use a busnson burner? Either way.
We get about a 3 minutes glimpse of Taylor and since the rest of the cast is off the mainland she decides to head over to Dana’s house to tell her that her marriage is over. If I were Dana I would have been like, “Finally! Now you can go back to making pizza without vegetables again!” Ouch, the car door hurts! Next. In an even more strange scene, Adrienne, her Christmas tree hair, Paul, his weird thumb, and Kim are walking the hotel grounds and are all discussing what nice guy Ken is. Suddenly Ken comes out of the woods and tells them that he doesn’t like what they’re talking about because he knows it’s about him. He then blames Adrienne’s facial expression for all of this. Adrienne looked as if “the help” just asked her for Christmas Eve off. She was frightened and I’m pretty sure I saw her grab her purse (and fart).
In the end everyone gets together one last time for day 77 of Mauricio’s birthday dinner and Kyle wants to talk about why Kim missed her flight. Suddenly, like Taylor, Ken finally finds his voice and is not afraid to use it. He simply says, “We don’t care” when Kyle keeps pushing for the truth about the mystery of the trip delay. Well, there you have it. If I were Kyle I would have sucker-punched him with my size 10 hands and then used her hair to strangle him and or cover his facia bruta. I mean, why should we have to suffer too? Kim and Ken end up leaving the dinner because Kyle keeps trying to make some form of a storyline out of this when we all know that if she just confronted her about her substance abuse this crew could potentially win the Emmy. Suddenly when I thought their argument couldn’t get any dumber they shift gears and start fighting over whether or not Kyle really does, in fact, talk on her cell phone whilst driving. No really, Kim brought that up. Clearly she’s trying to get Kyle in trouble with Oprah and, well, no one needs that.
Overall I think this was a bit of a snooze, although I could watch Kim sit on the couch and just stare for upwards of 90 minutes. At least next week Taylor is back and this time she’s attending a party where she’s poorly covering up a little shiner that someone gave her. I mean, if she burnt the roast what else could she expect? You need to baste it constantly. CONSTANTLY!