Welcome back, everybody! After a nice Thanksgiving break I’m ready to pick up where I left off before which is basically the gutter. Join me, won’t you? I’m still on the edge of my seat after last weeks episode where Joyce pulled Lisa aside to discuss the incident where Lisa asked that Joyce not fix her hair. Wow. I wonder who will play her in the movie of her life?! This is basically the reason why the television was invented. Also, Joyce is pointless.
I have to say, you want to know why I like Yolanda? The answer to that question is my standard, “Because she doesn’t dress like a horse’s ass.” You know what I mean? She’s an older woman who has a ton of money and doesn’t look like she gives a crap if you know how much her clothes are worth. She also doesn’t seem like a complete trash-monster so she has that going for her too. Also. Also, too. Yolanda has flown in her Dutch mother and Dutch brother so they can really Dutch it up at the David Foster’s star ceremony on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I love when rich people get awards and the like. It’s like the money and fame isn’t enough of a gift so why not celebrate how awesome you are by hurting a poor and defenseless sidewalk. Protect the sidewalks! By the way did you see the cast of characters that showed up for this ceremony? Dr. Phil was by his side (cough cough lover cough cough) as was Natalie Cole and the cast of the Housewives. The best, however, was Stevie Wonder. I am a huge Stevie Wonder fan and not just because I think it’s cool to wear sunglasses all the time so that you look like you went blind from soap poisoning, but because his music rules life. Also, I have a funny feeling we was aimlessly probably just walking down the street and stumbled upon this ceremony. And no one is more proud of David Foster’s success than Yolanda because she feels like she might have a little something to do with it. I think she’s suffering from Dutch-brain. Also, Dutch. And also, Swiss Miss. Plus, Dutch!
Later we’re reminded that Brandi has other cool qualities that make her a “must have” for this show outside of just saying the F word. These qualities include cleaning up dog piss and sh*t on national television. For real why are we watching this? Luckily we have the new housewife, Carlton, to really spice things up and by “spice things up” I, of course, mean “take her cat to get acupuncture.” I can’t wait to see what happens next! Oh. Nothing. Figures her cats name is Midnight. It’s like get off Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s nuts for Pete sakes! Oh, and apparently Brandi “made out” with Carlton…but, you know, off camera. So now I’m sure we’ll just have to “hear” about it for 6 more crapisodes. Hashtag Carlton’s Penis.
At least we still have Lisa to entertain us by speaking in blush hues with Barbara Walters lighting all around her! Oh wait. Well this sucks too. Any time you see Pandy-Pants enter the scene it’s like a complete boner shrinker. Pandy’s dud-of-a-husband is having dinner with the family and is discussing the possibility of them having to move to NYC so he can finally get a job in “wine and spirits.” I mean, does he mean a bar? He’ll probably work at some place call “The Pip-Pip Inn” that Lisa and Ken own. Or maybe he’ll branch out and open up his own bar. Name it something catchy like, “Pandora’s Overstated Underbite.” Yeah that has a real nice ring to it. Moreover, who cares? I already regret I chose this show to recap and not Vanderpump Rules. Next season I’m definitely going with Vanderpump unless, of course, my dream of Russell coming back to life to slap around Taylor’s giant cotton candy dessert comes true then I am 100% sticking with RHOBH.
Things are a lot quieter at the Richards household now that Kim is sans pills and booze. Her daughter is graduating from high school and Kim won’t stop talking about how it was her dream when she was little to just go to a regular high school, but she was stuck working on WitchMountain for what must have been 14 years. On the real, who the hell even liked high school? I would have traded that in a second to be a Disney Star. Hell, I’d trade my life right now if I could just be on camera writing the word “Disney” across the screen with my finger whilst magic dust shot out from everywhere (not my ding dong though). What did amaze me about Kim’s scene though, when she was taking her daughter dress shopping, was who/what/when/where/why she was driving a Bentley. I mean, really Kim? You wear Lee press-on nails and Britney fried-weave extensions. You mean to tell me we’re supposed to think you have Bentley money? Side note, Kathy Hilton seems like a beast of a woman. Although it was refreshing for her to not tip-toe around Kim with worry that humiliating her on television would lead her back to the bottle. Come on, just a little sippy-wippy won’t hurt!
In the end, this episode was the worst. No for real. If I didn’t take last week off I would have just skipped this one but, like Tyra Banks, I give of myself for you. Oh, and Kyle got a facial and she and Maurice/Mauricio discussed how he’s not a cheater. I surprisingly would like Camille’s opinion on this matter as she did say in the first season that he did “love his nannies.” Unless he meant, like, Fran Drescher. Then that’s fine. Watch out CC!
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