Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Driving Miss Vanderpump

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Yeah so I know I missed a lot of crapisodes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  I blame it on binge drinking and only binge drinking.  Plus I’m really gearing up for the dinner episode and *hopefully* the episode where Camille gets blindsided by karma.  Anycrap, I have on my 3-piece suit, lit my dedication candle to Lisa Pumpernickel, and am ready to go.  Here’s what went down last night on Housewives of Beaverly Lakes:

  • Money is what I have, not who I am.  Ok, it’s a little who I am.  Well, it’s a lot of who I am.  Fine, it’s everything I am.  Well, that and human tinsel strands.
  • Kyle is entering some bike race to raise money for cancer.  That’s nice of her, but most importantly she learns she has to get her “gentlemen greeter” washed and waxed within an inch of its life so that she doesn’t fall off her bike, apparently.  I have no clue.  I just assume that is has something to do with the motion of the bike, the size of ye old bush, and the direction of the wind.  All these factors can somehow help you win a race…just like it states in the old Tortes and the Hare book.
  • Ding dong!  It’s the box shiners!  Someone call to get their box shellacked?  Kyle did!  She decides that she is ready to remove her lady-bits nest.  I hope they start waxing down at the crotch region and then go all the way up her side and wax off that side hair that falls over her one shoulder in 99.9% of her scenes.  Also, her 14 year old daughter is front and center during the process.  I think the whole “where did I come from” question is going a little too far.
  • Sidenote:  Kyle should have requested that she had her vagenstein cut and spruced into the shape of Camille’s wonktastic wonk.
  • I love how Adrienne always takes her boxing and karate classes basically in her kitchen.   It’s like, she has 133 rooms (2 rooms more than Lisa Pumpernickel)  and yet she fights next to the refrigerator.  Eh, me gusta Adrienne either way.  Oh, and Taylor is there too.  I hope someone punches her lips back into place.
  • Know who else I like?  Lisa Vanderpumpernickel.  I do.  And, I think she looks better now than she did in her older pictures from when she was younger. You know how when you’re drunk you’re way funnier, more confident, and an all around better person?  Yeah, well I feel the same way about people who are filthy rich.  Lisa The Pump is way hotter with money, is prettier, and has a better sense of humor.  I sort of want to live in her library.  I don’t know if she has one, I just assume.  I also assume her bathroom is bigger than my NYC apartment, and I’m not joking.  Vanderpump, whip it out.  What are the measurements?
  • Anyjunk, Lisa and Cedric are practicing for their American driving test.  They might be driving around a parking lot to practice or just her driveway.  One may never know.  And what the hell is up with Cedric?  Why does he always dress like he just got off work at Aldo Shoes in the mall?  It’s like low-cut v-neck skin-tight t-shirts with ripped tight jeans and a faux-rosary-bead necklace is his uniform.  It looks like it hurts to dress like that, plus you need to let your body breathe.  Maybe I’m too used to the outfits that Butch and April wear on Teen Mom which is always a tribute to Hanes Husky.
  • Ugh.  It’s a scene with Kim.  Blargh.  This is the time when I grab another beer and slap myself in the nuts in hopes the real pain of her scenes go away.  Kim should only talk about Witch Mountain.  In fact, she should reenact her movie scenes in every episode she’s in.
  • Camille, Camille, Camille.  She brings up more about the past than Staub-a-saurus Rex ever could.  Per usual, the record skips as Camille talks about all the horrible things that Kyle said to her back in NYC.  Did I miss something?  What actually was so bad that she said?  I think she told her she needed to see a therapist.  What’s so bad about that?  I wouldn’t be pissed.  Hell, I definitely need a therapist.  I would have been like, “Thanks for reminding me!  Oh, and why is your hair always flowing down your right shoulder?  You know you’re a mother right?”  See how that works?  The solution for Camille is to “build a bridge” and have a dinner party to see if she and Kyle can mend fences.  You know, come to think of it, maybe if Camille focused less on Kyle and more on her marriage she wouldn’t be in her divorce mess right now?  Too soon?  On the flip side I’m psyched that Frasier and Lilith are getting back together!  Norm!
  • What in the holy hell?  So Kim met some dude at the supermarket while they were fighting over chicken and landed herself a date?  Did I get that right?  I could be mistaken because Kim was talking about chicken for a good five minutes.  She actually couldn’t stop saying “chicken.”  In fact during her one-on-one interview she began to sing a song about “that’s my chicken.”  So just to recap, she now officially spends 30% of her time talking about Witch Mountain, 50% of her time talking about being single, and 20% of her time talking about chicken.  Is it bad that I kinda hope it shifts to 50% chicken and then, like 45% Witch Mountain and then the remaining 5% should be about Kyle’s side-hair?  Now that’s some math I can get my mind around!
  • Stop the press.  While out for dinner in Napa, Kyle says that her husband’s motto is “Happy Wife, Happy Life.”  Don’t you dare.  Barney Rubble/Joe Guidice already coined that phrase and Teresa has a diamond-stuffed bedazzled t-shirt that confirms that.  Speaking of which, “Milania, do fabulous.”  Fabulous!
  • It’s time for Mrs. IBBB/Lisa Vanderpump to take her written driving test, which means she’s officially arrived at the LA DMV!  Brilliant.  The place is packed with people who you would expect to be at the DMV and Lisa is wearing an outfit that you totally know costs more than all the money in all the pockets of the all the people in the entire waiting room.  The reaction on Lisa’s face is priceless because it looks like she’s thinking she can “catch poor.”  Lisa should definitely get a spinoff show where she’s just put in ordinary situations.  For example, I’d like to see her sitting in the ball pit a Chuck E. Chesses.  Just me?  Anyaccent, Lisa passes her test but, sadly, Cedric did not.  Perhaps his Ed Hardy trucker hat and rosary bead necklace was sending him mixed messages?  Eh, oh well.  He must continue suffering being driven around in a Bentley.  Ugh, the tough life some people have to lead.
  • Back to our friend Camille. Poor no idea, blindsided, Camille.  She and her friends decide to go run the beach because, at the end of the day, what real jobs do they have?  As Camille is driving with her friend to the beach and the friend asks about her move to NYC, Camille kind of dances around the subject and says she’s not sure especially because Kelsey may want to live in NYC permanently because he’s “over LA” and “he’s appreciated in NYC.”  How come she didn’t mention it’s also because he doesn’t want to be married to her anymore? Awkward.  I’m not fully sure the way divorce works, but I’m almost certain that if your partner moves across the country and then doesn’t want to be married to you anymore they probably don’t want you moving in with them either.  Divorce.  It’s a tricky one.
  • Meanwhile, Kyle  is absolutely exhausted biking up the hill and completing her 69 (giggity) miles. Maybe she should push all of her hair to one side and let it flow down her shoulder, you know, for strength and all?  She ends up finishing the entire race and comes in first place! Oh, and I made that very last part up.
  • Taylor’s casino event…random….Adrienne shows up to this function with the husband she hates in an aqua blue cowboy hat and a Donny and Marie stage costume. However, Adrienne isn’t the only celebrity attending this event.  We also see Kato Kalin and the chick who played Jan Brady in the Brady movie…so, you know, that kind of crowd.  In the end, Taylor does a nice job telling her “story” to the folks of the crisis center.  I actually felt pretty bad because as Taylor was crying her eyes out, most of the crowd was busy doubling down on 2 ace’s.  Most importantly I’m pretty sure I saw Uncle Joey from Full House in the crowd.  (Note to self:  Watch casino scene again in slow-motion).
  • Taylor ends the show by crying during her interview and saying that people of domestic violence can one day live in Beverly Hills like she does.  Um, if I could have ended up living in Beverly Hills I would have been willing to “answer the iron” once or twice in my youth.  Oh and don’t hit people.  Save the hate mail.

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