Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Cover Your Rat (and Eyes)

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Where do we even begin with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?  First off, how many of these Housewives shows do they have now?  When’s Real Housewives of Dover, Delaware starting?  Here’s my “Top 10 Bullets” of episode one:

10.  Bitche$ Gots Money: So here’s the deal with the Housewives of Beaver-ly Hills,  they are rich.  Like, really rich.  Insane amounts of money.  They use rolled up $100 dollar bills as tampons during “time of the month.”  They play Monopoly with real money and real properties.   I’m out of examples.  They’re rich.  Let’s put it this way, Jill Zarin would have to sell 66 million more yards of Zarin fabrics at marked up prices and start marketing wax statue replicas of Bobby  just to afford to rent one of the rooms in Lisa’s house/mansion.

9.  The Opening Credits Are An Acid Trip (allegedly): Even the opening credits are way fancier than the other Housewives franchises.  They have better graphics, diamond dust falling from the sky, and new music.  I feel like I need to put on a suit just to watch this every week.  And in the end they all hold up diamonds at the end of the credits.  This is a mistake, in my opinion.  I think they should be holding up the balls of the husbands who are in the other Housewives series.  It sends a message to others about how to make some real money.  That’s just me though, perhaps you have your own ideas.  I’m just brainstorming at this point.

8.  Adrienne Maloof is the New “Snooki Poof”: Alright let’s get to know who some of these women are.  I always hate the first episode of a new show because I don’t know their names really.  I’m a slower learner.  I mean there are over 4 of them, after all.  Anyway, we have Adrienne Maloof.  I think she’s the richest.  She owns everything.  Literally.  She owns me typing this and she owns you reading this.  She owns my thoughts.  She’s also what Snooki will end up like in 30 years (minus the money).  Adrienne may be 4’2″ tall but she can take down anyone who stands in her way.  Literally, there was a montage of her just basically body slamming some dude.  She ends up taking all the girls on her private plane to go watch the Kings play the Lakers.  I’m pretty sure the cost of this alone is more than  LuAnn’s family got paid for building the Suez Canal.  Also, me gusta la Adrienne because her facial expressions are on a 3 second delay from her eyes.  Is she alive?  Is she dead?  Is she starring in Weekend at Bernie’s Part III?  Figuring it out is half the fun.

7.  Kyle’s Horse-Hair That’s Always to One Side: I have to admit watching Kyle and Kim kind of turns my stomach.  All I see when I look at them is Hilton bird.  Plus, why is Kyle trying to Crystal Gayle the sh*t out of her hair?  More importantly why does she always pose with her hair all to one side going down her shoulder?  It’s like you’re one Scrunchie away from a sideways ponytail.  Relax.  Also, no grown woman should have her hair that long.  Get a mom perm and call it a day.

6.  Cover Your Rat: The more rich woman can work in the phrase “Cover Your Rat” into a thousand dollar lunch, the better!  The conversation took a nasty turn, however when Camille “Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer Incorporated” Grammer starts talking about Frasier Crane not wearing underwear on the set of his show, I’ve officially had a enough.  Also, something tells me if Camille had to cover her rat she’s have to start at the floor.  Just a guess.

5.  Lisa’s Two-Times a Year Sex Policy: What a royal mess Lisa is.  She’s already one of my favorites.  She’s lived in the United States for about 30 years and hasn’t lost a lick of her accent.  I think technically when you are so rich you are required, by law, to speak with a British accent. This law also explains Madonna and, at times, Oprah when she’s discussing her book club selections.  Anyjackiecollins, Lisa informs “The America” that she only has sex with her husband twice a year, which is his birthday and Christmas.  Besides that her box is locked up and protected by ADT.  I do believe, however that her box can open without tripping the alarm if you scan your finger on it, like in Mission Impossible.

4.  Camille’s Wonktastic Eye and “Amber Sexy” Dance Moves: With that wonky eye it’s amazing that Camille isn’t also one of the aunt’s of Paris Hilton.  When she isn’t one eye on the conversation and one eye on the camera she is doing some sweet “sexy-dancing” that really gives Amber from Teen Mom a run for her money (or lack thereof).  Camille is proud as a peacock that she’s been dancing for her whole life and even used to dance for Club MTV.  Was it that or Yo MTV Raps?  I forget.  Anywonk, we are even lucky enough to see her dancing literally on the court at the Kings game with the “pantomime” Lion.  I’m embarrassed for her and, more importantly, myself for witnessing this mid-life-crisis-in-fast-movement.

3.  Taylor’s Lips and Temples: Come on.  I found myself cheering towards the television when Taylor went in to get her Botox injected into her temples.  She feels that she has a skinny face so adding botulism directly into it is, clearly, the only answer.  She’s also terrified that her husband is going to leave her for someone younger so she makes sure that her lips are always fluffed and that she, in the end, looks like an animated chatting vagina.  Seriously, if she was ever on camera eating a hot dog Bravo would have to censor it out.  I’m debating if I’m going to nickname her “Vag on a Stick.”  I don’t want to commit to that yet, but I’ll keep you all posted.

2.  Jiggy, Pikachu, and Lollipop: Lisa’s dogs have more money than we’ll ever see in our lifetime.  Now if you know me, you know that no me gusta “the animals.”  Yeah I said it.  I own it.  You can’t make me love animals  Deal with it.  Anyway, could they not stop naming their dogs after female and male anatomy?  Why not just name them Dinky, Tainty, and Clitsy-Witsy?  My goal is to “friend” these dogs on Facebook, sneak into their lives, get them to name me in their Will and then start to collect the cash-money when these little bundles of fur and bones kick the bucket.

1.  ENOUGH About God-Damn Witch Mountain: Kim, who may be the DeShawn Snow of this series appears to be a complete mess.  First off, she won’t stop talking about her starring in Witch Mountain 4 decades ago and her guest appearance on “Chips.”  In fact, everyone keeps on referencing Witch Mountain.  Enough.  Second off, she loves talking about she and Paris Hilton being stopped by the paparazzi outside a restaurant and wanting to only take pictures of Kim and remind Paris that Kim was an “icon” first.  Yeah, I don’t believe any of that.  In fact, I don’t even believe that she has dinner with Paris.  Although I do feel a little bad for Kim because since she starred in Witch Mountain she is inexplicably unable to make friends with other people that she doesn’t know.  I’m not sure why that is blamed on Witch Mountain, but apparently it is.  Oh, and Witch Mountain.

Overall I think this is going to be a decent season.  I’m not sure if there’s going to be any table flips or wig pulling, but it might be interesting to watch older women with obscene amounts of money parading around in front of the camera.  Here’s to a successful season of the Beaver-ly Hills!

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