I knew something was missing from last weeks crapisode and that was, of course, the opening credits. Well, like season 3 of Gimme a Break, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills updated theirs and, well, it didn’t disappoint. First off everyone is wearing dresses as if they’re going to a Quinceanera (ole!) and diamond dust is falling all over them as they pose for the camera. Lisa kisses a camel, Taylor says she finally found her voice (a voice that may or may not have lead to the death of someone), and Camille is throwing around her dress like she’s Cha Cha DiGregorio. All in all it’s a nice opening. There’s a sex joke in there somewhere, but like Kim trying to have a coherent conversation, I’m drawing a blank.
Kyle is finally moving into her new home that is 7,000 sq feet (the approximate size of Adrienne’s basement bathroom) and no other than the morally corrupt Faye Resnick is there to play the role of her interior designer. I think in “The America” the term “Morally Corrupt” should be like in England for people who are called Dame. It’s an honor. Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. It has a nice ring to it. While everyone is trying to figure out where to put the pool table I think it would only be fitting for Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick to pose on said pool table with her bare breasts and an OJ Simpson mask covering her Beaver Creek (more on that location as further developments arise). I mean MCFR looks like she’s ready to “get it in” at a moments notice. She’s like the Dina Manzo of Beverly Hills, but with heat billowing out of her gentlemen greeter on the regular. During the unpacking process that’s taking part on the front lawn we all get to witness a giant life-size oil painting of Kyle when she was “younger” with huge eyebrows like she was friggin’ Frida Kahlo. Is it wrong that her hair was shorter in the picture when she was younger? She apparently traded brow for mane. It’s standard during a typical mid-life crisis.
Everyone is going on a ski trip with Camille. I’m pretty sure Kim agreed to go because she thought “ski trip” was code word for something else. I seriously can’t wait for the episode where Kim says, “You. Are. AGoddamnbitch” and later followed up by “You. Are. Aslutpig.” I have to admit that I have that playing in a loop in my head all the live-long-day. You. Are. AGoddamnbitch. Anyskittishrabbits, Adrienne is packing up three suitcases for this ski trip (one for shoes, one for clothes, and one just filled with Christmas tinsel) and barking out orders to Paul, with whom she hates, every two seconds. These orders consist of driving slow with the kids in the car, not asking them if they have a sippy cup, and locking all the doors in the house. Seriously? All the doors? That would take a full hour to walk around the entire house, locating doors, and then locking them. No wonder why they need a team of people around them the whole time! Half of them are just on the Door Locking Committee!
Everyone makes it to the airport and it was then that I realized that Kim must have traded the booze in for some meth of some sorts and, apparently, she’s still on a bender. Her limo door opens up, Kim pops out like a Crack in the Box, and starts talking 100 mph saying things like she’s so excited to go, how she’s had one cup of coffee (aka spoonful of meth…I have no idea how you take meth), and how she wanted to call 911 to tell them how much she can’t wait to go. All normal. Kyle, who looks like a “person of interest” is dressed like Indiana Jones with a ridiculous hat and long black trench coat. Luckily she’s carrying her copy of the Zohar and doesn’t appear to be a terrorist at all. If I walked by her in first class dressed like that and carrying that book I would simply say “trips over” and turn around and get off the plane. The rest of their plane ride is uneventful and by “uneventful” I mean “various cast members punched the ass of an overweight male flight attendant. I could only pray that Adrienne would punch me in the ass so I could sue her for 17 trillion dollars and 16 dozen packages of tinsel. I’m kidding. I love Adrienne. I would let her choke me to death and I’d have a smile on my face the whole time.
You know who apparently hates everyone this season? Lisa. After a long discussion with my sister the other night, we’ve both agreed that Bravo is “Jill Zarining” Lisa Vandepump this season. Last season we all loved her and now they will only show clips of Lisa talking smack about the other cast members and rolling her eyes at everything they say. By mid-season she is bound to be asking someone what they thought of her 24 carat gold potato latkes. They can edit her any which way they like, but I still think Vandepump takes steak. Most likely Kobe.
Once they get off the plane, in which it looked like they were sitting with the poor common folk, they cart their asses into a limo in which the driver is trying to explain to them how it’s going to take 4 hours to get to Camille’s house because of some road work. Why weren’t they using sub-titles with this guy? Also, Adrienne looked at him like she could “catch hillbilly” just by listening to him. And, new research shows that you can. You. Can. Lisa would rather take a dirt nap than sit next to Taylor for four hours. Hmm, that seems to be a constant theme with Taylor. Kim is chatting it up with everyone and anyone who will listen to her. As a wise woman (Lois Griffin) once said, “Meth. It’s a helluva drug.” I’m also kidding about the drug assumptions. She’s probably just “nervous.” Nervous like the people of NYC at 4 in the morning walking around aimlessly in Central Park are “nervous.” Finally Kyle remembers why they’re on this show and what they’re supposed to do and asks Lisa if Ken was mad at her from Adrienne’s dinner party. Bingo! Lisa is remaining calm and trying to say that Ken was entitled to his opinion and Taylor, who finds her voice, chimes in with the fact that no one asked Ken for his opinion. Ruh-roh! Lisa explains the proper rules of etiquette by stating that you don’t need someone to ask you for your opinion while you’re at “dinner party.” I want to know where Taylor ended up finding her voice. Was it lodged under 10 layers of Botox or did she find it in one of her couch cushions? I suspect the couch because that’s where my keys usually are. Next time I should dig deeper to see if I can find a voice. Or tinsel!! Anyhohoho, I’m just glad that the camera actually captured Ken making this comment to Taylor about being weak for going to therapy at “dinner party” or we’d be stuck with the “I know what you said about Hawaii” debacle from last season where they talked about it in every episode but there was no footage of it. Looks like we sidestepped that landmine, folks!
I’d like to go on the record that I want to have sexual intercourse with Camille’s ski house. Actual sex. Moving right along. All the woman are forced to choose rooms in Camille’s 2,000 bedroom ski chalet and Kim and Kyle are forced to share a room because one of the bedrooms can’t be located, I’m assuming. It’s been about 14 seconds and Lisa already looks like she wants to go home. Regardless, everyone heads back into the limo and to some random hotel restaurant where people are wearing t-shirts in the background. Lisa and Adrienne look like they want to shower immediately. I’m always watching to see if Kim is picking up a drink in any one of her scenes. It’s like playing Where’s Waldo for adults. Where’s Boozo. I like it. I failed at locating “Boozo” but the next morning Kim is in bed saying that she’s “sick” again and was up all night drinking water. Huh? That doesn’t even make any sense. Taylor is asking her if her bronchitis came back, but I’m going to wager a little bet that someone mixed pills and booze after the cameras stopped rolling after dinner and now Kim is in the process of “coming down” and it ain’t pretty.
Half the women are dressed like they’re at a 3rd graders sleepover and the other half are in full hair and makeup. I’ll let you decide who falls into which bucket. Also, did I not mention that Camille’s ski house is located in Beaver Creek. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. I can’t believe places like this really exist in locations other than my mind. After everyone is making breakfast and Kim is still trying to convince everyone she is “sick” the doorbell rings and it takes Camille a good 5 minutes to run to her front door. How she did it without a GPS attached to her waist is beyond me. She was in a full sprint and just kept running and running. I’m shocked there were people lined up in her hallway passing her tiny cups of water and orange slices as she ran by and Al Rocker was covering it. By the time she got to the front door she was in a full sweat and people were draping an aluminum cape around her shoulders. I’m pretty sure she pulled an Uta Pippig and shat her pants and got her period all at the same time as she made it to the finish line/front door. Either way, all that work and it was just the ski concierge on the opposite side of the door. Apparently that job exists.
After making 37 sexual innuendos about Kim and the ski concierge it’s finally time to get ready to ski. Adrienne is afraid to ski because she hurt her knee in a ski incident a couple of years ago. However, she’s still going to go. Ugh, I’m so pissed I wasn’t there to ski next to her. I can envision us going down the slope and suddenly Adrienne’s bad knee pops open and money, confetti, and gold bars start shooting out every which way and I’m right there to catch as much of it as I can and stuff it down my pants like I just took the Physical Challenge and only have 6 seconds remaining on the clock. Eh, dreams. Meanwhile, Lisa is dressed in what I can only imagine Kim’s “downstairs lady business” to look like when she hasn’t “cleaned up” in a couple of months. Isn’t it funny how if you have money it’s perfectly normal to wear something like that, but when Sonja from RHONYC wore something similar she looked like a freak? Yeah, that’s because Sonja’s poor and Lisa has enough money to pull our country out of debt. Speaking of “The Pump” she had me laughing through my nose when she met up with the ski instructors and said, “Beaver Creek, huh? Are you ready to take these creaky beavers up the mountain?” Brilliant. Me gusta smut talk.
After everyone is finished skiing, at the bottom of the mountain chefs come out (on the mountain) to hand them warm chocolate chip cookies. Wait, really? That’s nice, but if I was on that mountain and eating warm chocolate chip cookies I would, of course, be struggling to get my snow suit off as fast as I could because I would be suffering from an attack of the Shasta McNasty. I would need someone to just cut the suit off of me. I mean it’s not a normal reaction that as soon as I saw the warm cookies I was like, ‘Oooh, I would sh*t myself right there on the mountain.” I would, most likely, ask Lisa if I could sh*t in her hat. I think she’d let me because she’s a good friend. I can tell.
In the end, Kyle and Talyor spend a little quality time in the outdoor hot tub while it snowed outside and random beads of water started forming on Kyle’s hair. She kinda looked like she had the Polygamy Sect Wives hairdo that’s all the rage on the compound. Taylor tries to open up about her crappy marriage and how she’s afraid to be alone. She’s eluding to her husband beating the bag out of her on the regular, but won’t actually say it. And I think that Kyle already knows this but is waiting for Taylor to disclose it on camera. Regardless, Taylor is almost forming actual tears about her marriage and how badly she wants it to work out, but Kyle just keeps saying that she doesn’t think it’s worth trying to save. So, basically, Kyle will named in the lawsuit of the death of Russell Armstrong. See you on Judge Judy, Kyle! Bring that Polygamy Sect poof!