We’re at the part in the season when fights and threats have flown throughout a couple of episodes and now it’s time to settle in to teaching Adrienne how to make chicken. Yup. Chicken. Luckily Lisa Vanderfunk is free to give Adrienne a lesson on how to get sexy with chicken carcass and, eventually, get it in. While I assumed it would be extremely boring I soon realized it was anything but. Or is it “anything butt?”” I have no idea how that works. This was fascinating because we got to follow Adrienne around her kitchen that is bigger than any actual house you and your deadbeat partner in life could ever afford. Like, you could give away $5 dollar sucky sucky in the parking lot of an all boys high-school (you slut) and you would still never have enough money to afford Adrienne’s kitchen. Regardless, we quickly learn that Adrienne has 3 refrigerators all next to each other that are all equally filled with food. It’s like a homeless mans dream. She can’t even find the friggin’ chickens because they’re hiding in one of the 3 appliances. It’s like Let’s Make a Deal and she’s trying to choose between curtain #1 and curtain #3. And don’t even get me started with her looking for her cutting board. We passed about 3,000 cabinets before she even made it to the other end of the kitchen. I would like to go on the record stating that her kitchen, alone, makes her a better person than all of us combined.
Adrienne and Lisa are freaked out by touching a raw chicken so they’re wearing surgical gloves all whilst Bernie, Adrienne’s personal chef, shoots a mix of sasses and huffs from the corner of the kitchen. It also looked like he was sniffing and twitching a lot so, depending on which team he plays for, he could make a great match for twitching and sniffing Kim Richards. Either way, they should at least hang out. When it’s time to wash the chicken Adrienne starts to rub it with soap to really get it clean…in pretty much the same way that I assume she does to Paul when it’s time to “make sticky” in the bedroom. In fact, I’m sure the surgical gloves play a major role as well. Poor Adrienne. Who the hell cares if she can cook dumb chicken. She’s rich and has enough tinsel in her hair to give your ghetto Christmas tree a run for its money. I also bet her gentlemen greeter smells like pine and fresh snow fall on a winters morn.
However, if you think that Adrienne’s house is complete insanity we all get to go on a field trip over to Lisa’s friends house. His name is Mohamad but he doesn’t look like a terrorist so that’s interesting. This guys house is the size of the actual United States of America. I mean, this guys house is literally 60,000 square feet. I can’t even begin to pretend to do the math to figure out how many of my apartments can fit into his one house. He even has a secret sex room behind a sliding wall at one end of the house in case you need to “rest.” No joke, you would pretty much need to rest there because once you make it to one side of the house it would take you another 4-6 hours to ever get back to the front door. You might as well sit for a spell. Mohamad may be Diddles McGee because he wants to throw an engagement party for Pandora and keeps calling her his Goddaughter even though, well, technically, she isn’t. Even if he touched you in your naughty place when you were little just suck it up because you’ll make more off the will than you ever would through a long drawn out court battle. That’s the price you simply must pay for being a child of privilege. More of this ridonk engagement party next week.
The rest of the crapisode takes place at Adrienne’s house because she’s having a Spa party. In case you were wondering her spa party probably cost upwards of $100,000. So, next time you think you’re a class act for getting a $100 facial just remember, you’ll always be white trash garbage when compared to someone else. You can totally tell that Adrienne is being negatively impacted by the recession because she has her own spray tanning booth, laser machine, hydro-facial, two manicurists, 3 messieurs, 3 waiters, and her own personal chef. So, you know, it’s like a typical Thanksgiving at your house, I’m sure. To make things even “better” Bernie has made individual red velvet cakes that are sprinkled with actual edible gold dust. It’s so funny because I’m pretty sure I recently read that the battered wives at the local woman’s shelter were also feasting on edible gold dust as well. So, same/same. You wanna know what I had for dessert tonight? Peanut butter on a spoon. And I’m pretty sure the spoon had rust spots on it from my ghetto dishwasher. I seriously can’t even get over how much money these people have. I know I’ve said it before, but I feel like I must say it again. I would have actual sexual intercourse with any room in Adrienne’s house. An actual room. I would hand-cut the back lawn if it meant that I could stay the weekend at this mansion.
Adrienne even sprang for personalized robes and flip-flops so that everyone could be comfortable. The only thing missing, of course, was the machine that shot tinsel into your beav. Speaking of crippled beav’s, enter Brandi. I kind like Brandi. She’s a hot mess. She’s sporting a hot pink cameltoe onesie, complete with steal crutches. No joke she was full cameltoe with every single hop she made throughout the house. I, per usual, was squealing with delight. It looked like what would happen if your Easter Peeps had “the toe.”
Kim and Kyle were having a good old time jumping on the trampoline in Adrienne’s backyard and doing other fun things like making fun of Brandi when she is only steps away from them. I actually feel kind of bad for her. I mean, not really…but a little. What is even crazier is the fact that for 2 episodes in a row Kyle is trying to pretend she doesn’t even know what “meth” is…at all. This time around she was like, “What did she say about Kim? She was on methadone…or whatever that drug is called.” Really? No idea. It’s meth. My 4 year old niece knows what meth is…but mainly because I told her that’s why the cast of Yo Gabba Gabba is like that. What? It was important that she knew. Anyway, Kyle’s an idiot. If I were one of the spa workers I could have literally given her a bowl-cut before she even realized what happened to her.
Adrienne is trying to play the creepy peacemaker and wants Brandi to apologize to Kim and Kyle. See, that’s where Adrienne and I differ in opinion because I actually want the opposite of that. Either way, Kim wants no part of Brandi because (as she said in her one on one interview) she thinks that Brandi doesn’t have a pretty mouth and, in fact, thinks that it’s like a sewer. Uh, it’s gotta be a lot more sanitary than Paris Hilton’s anywheres. Either way, after Brandi half-apologizes to Kyle and then starts crying she decides that she won’t be saying “sorry” to Kim. I think that’s the right choice. My favorite part was after when Taylor said to Brandi that she needs to say sorry to Kim for the “meth” remark because it was way out of line and Brandi just replies back with, “Was it? Really?” Bravo (literally)! I like how Brandi is telling tales out of school. It makes the show more fun. In the end, Brandi hobbles her skinny ass out of the house and heads home all whilst the rest of the girls talk smack and Lisa adds fuel to fire…even though she was never at that dreaded game night. Oh, and even with all the high-end spa equipment, um, their faces still look like that.