Real Housewives of Beaverly La(t)kes: Braless Party Fights, Beverly Hills Style

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I’m not quite sure what took me so long this season, but here are the opening remarks from the ladies that I’d prefer to hear in the opening credits:

  • Life in Beverly Hills is a game and so was the adoption of our “son.”
  • I’m not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I do have the hair of the youngest.
  • People try to figure me out but that’s like trying to make your own meth (it’s harder than it looks).
  • I finally found my voice, now I’m busy just trying to find Kennedy’s.
  • Having it all is easy, if your parents gave you the money to buy a basketball team and hotel (splash).
  • Diamonds aren’t a girls best friend, Lilith is.

IBBB Programming Note: Please pretend that we didn’t learn yesterday that Kim checked herself into rehab for substance issues.  It’s just that it makes it more fun if we pretend she’s still in denial.  Denial, the state of mind that Webster is in, in regards to his parents coming back for him.  Ole!

You know what was great about this crapisode?  The fact that it was like a Where’s Waldo of classless trash from other reality shows.  For example, did you spot Brody Jenner’s mom at la fiesta?  She was the one who looked like she stappled a stripper onto her body and just went on with her day.  And did you find that one random chick from VH1’s Dr Drew’s Sober House?  You know, the one who all the addicts would call fat-ass when they would sneak drugs into the house, do said drugs, and then turn on the house mom?  Yeah, well she was there too.  They could have just shown the two of them and then just rolled the credits and I would have been happy.  I’m kidding, of course I want/need to see Taylor have her 12th nervous breakdown of the season and fight the entire party.  Although, it’s twice as fun when Brandi starts fighting the entire party too.  I am shaking my head, but I must admit that LuAnn de Lesepps was right.  And you know exactly what I’m referring too.

An an off-topic sidenote, is it just me or does anyone else play “Real Housewives Corporate Bingo?”  I do.  I’m fine with it.  Of course, Real Housewives Corporate Bingo is when you’re in a work meeting and you run lines from Real Housewives and respond out loud with said lines.  For example, someone says, “Any other questions or comments” and then I chime in with, “I have a comment.  We don’t say he hits you.  But now we’ve said it.” Then you get up and walk out of the meeting.  Then you stamp your Bingo card and move on to another Housewives response.  You’re welcome.  It also works with email.  Someone reschedules a meeting because of a conflict in time and you respond with, “You need to be honest!  That’s not cool!”  And then you walk away from your desk.  Stamp your Bingo card.  You’re doing fine, just fine.

Before we get into the braless party fight it’s really important that we talk about the first 40 minutes of the episode.  I’m kidding it was dumb.  We were forced to watch Pandorka’s underbite choose which table she wants for her backyard wedding.  She’s either going to choose the table with the crystals hanging from the top of the wicker table archway, or the table with the crystals hanging from the centerpiece, or the table with the crystals and the gold rimmed plates. Either way it looks like half of Adrienne’s tinseled out hair is draped all over the place.  All I know is that somewhere Zsa Zsa Gabor is rolling over in her grave.  She is currently dirt nap status, si?  Eh, either way.  If it was my wedding I’d just tell that flamboyant Mr. Miagi mother f’er to give everyone at the wedding a bedazzle gun and as soon as they announce Mr. and Mrs. Pandora Pandorason then everyone just starts shooting jewels all over the F’n place.  And that is how you set up for a wedding.

Other pointless scenes consisted of looking at Mauricio’s mothers new face.  If you recall she got some face work done by Dr. Paul and, honestly, she looks exactly the same.  When we saw her at the hospital she looked like a burn victim and now, 6 weeks later, she looks like she’s only 68 instead of 70.  I’m not sure if it’s a side effect of the surgery, but her hair appears to be yellow, fried, and matted to her head.  He should shoot her hair with Botox until it spikes up like Ma’am Paupadopolis.  Just a helpful medical suggestion.  Later, Kyle and her Carmen San Diego hat have a Cinco de Mayo party to gather up all 4 Mexican’s in the Beverly Hills neighborhood and eat tacos.  Oh, and they’ll be sure to show off Estrella’s new old face.

Sidenote:  Whilst having lunch with Brandi and her comb-over, Adrienne asked the waiter to cut up her pizza into bite sizes so it’s more ladylike.  So I guess when you get so rich you expect people to cut up your food for you like you’re 4.  If Adrienne lets me have intercourse with her bookshelf in the study then I’ll cut up her food all the live-long-day.

Oh, and Kim made and actual appearance in this episode for about 48 seconds.  Yup.  She was taking her blanket out of the dyer, trying to fold it, fell into the dryer, and then took a break by sitting up on the counter and eating from a small plate of Cheetos and a clear glass of straight vodka water.  Good old Kim.  You totally know that whilst sitting up on that counter she was assuming she was at the peak of Witch Mountain and that her rolled up blanket was her Disney horse.  And you wanna know what?  It was.  It really was.

And now, onto Brandi’s party in Malibu.  And what a real treat for the eyes it was.  First off, Brandi’s nipples should be in the opening credits standing in the background like her children.  It was like watching a “follow the bouncing ball” song from cartoons back in the day.  How awesome was that, by the way?  It was like we, as kids, had Karaoke before it was even invented and the Chinese took it over and ruined our lives with it.  So, yeah, Brandi’s knockers was like that.  I say, good for her.  Good for her because she knew she’d be getting some camera time if her nipples were big enough to get their own boom mic.  And you totally know that if Dana/Pam was there she would have ripped her bra off too…but they would have had to blur our her knees.  See what I did there?  Saggy boob jokes.  It’s come to that ladies and gentlemen (greeters).

Speaking of things ready to hit the floor, after a couple of hundred glasses of wine, Kyle is ready for her belly-dancing lesson which means that it’s time for her to do a split in the middle of the room and start whipping her hair around whilst it’s in her I Dream of Jeanie ponytail.  It also means it’s time for my friend, Traci, to text me and tell me that if she ever runs into Kyle she’s going to cut her hair off and, you know what, that text came through right on time.  Kyle should have cut at least some of her hair off and taped it over Brandi’s top.  That way her rack would have looked like Captain Caveman.  Come on, who’s with me!

Meanwhile, Taylor (since she already started drinking in the limo) is ready to right anyone and everyone who comes in her way.  She’s that girl that we all went to college with.  Down a bottle of wine, start the crying and slurring, and wind up getting into a couple of fights with randoms (and cap off the night by smoking out the window).  I’m not entirely sure why Camille’s friend, D.D, was all up in arms about the Camille/Taylor fight but she wouldn’t let it go.  I would have sold all of my worldly possessions if all of a sudden Allison DuBois came marching through the door with her electronic cigarette and just simply said, “I knew this was going to happen” and then left.  Ugh, one can dream.  Regardless, Taylor has a legit fit while outside on the balcony and suddenly Brody Jenner’s mother tries to calm things down by saying that the ocean is so big and will still be there when they no longer are.  Seriously, crickets.  Later in the fight she chimed in once again by saying that as women they have evolved into something greater than this.  I’m sorry, is this what happens when you were married to Bruce Jenner and then years later find out his face is tighter and prettier than yours?  That lady is bricks.

As all of the pointless screaming is going back and forth between Taylor, Taylor, Taylor and sometimes D.D and somehow Brandi decides the best course of action is to kick Taylor out of the house and point her finger at Kyle.  Suddenly a “Sissy Slaps Fight” (which also should be the name of a doll, by the way) breaks out and then Kyle and Taylor leave the party.  Seriously, Taylor is the worst.  She’s a legit mess.  Honestly, God forgive me but now I know why Russell dirt-napped himself.  The only way to get away from her is sweet release, clearly.  I only hope he took that dumb horse with him.  Fine, I’ll say a couple of Hail Mary’s for that.  You got me!

In the end, everyone goes home and Taylor continues to be an absolute sh*t-show in the limo.  With her cooch to the wind she’s screaming that she wants a cigarette and demands that the driver pull over to find her a lighter.  It took a while for him to pull over, but I assumed that was just because he was fiddling for an eject button for Taylor’s seat.  Alas the window goes down and a giant hand enters the limo and lights her cigarette.  It was literally like watching a skeleton smoke…so that made it kind of interesting.  The remaining minutes consisted of Taylor crying her eyes out whilst keeping a shocked look on her face.  I hope she watches this back and is embarrassed for herself.  I know I am.  I mean, I’m embarrassed for me.  You should be to.  I know you are.  I know it.

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