Real Housewives of Atlanta Season Finale: Dwight's Fashion Show and NeNe Chokes Kim. All Sounds Normal to Me.

real-housewives-of-atlanta-season-finale

Oh kids, how fast the time goes when people with money fight each other on national television.  It seems like just yesterday Sheree was calling Kim “trailer trash” and NeNe was swabbing her mouth so that she and Curtis could take a DNA.  Sure that second example was from the first season, but let’s face it, a true shitstorm has no time associated with it.  Anyathuhlete, here’s what went down on the season finale of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Walk with me, won’t you?

 

  • We’re kicking off with the final preparations for a fashion show by Sheree that has been 2-decades in the making.  This, of course, means that Dwight will be featured throughout the entire crapisode, which also means that I will be having nightmares of him in my sleep.  Waking up at 3am (dead time) is not going to be fun tonight.  Also, Dwight is dressed like he is the driver of Cinderella’s pumpkin-carriage.  Just a sidenote.
  • Sheree is really busy with her She and she’s also busy with taking phonecalls about getting tickets to some “big game.”  She reminds me of Mr. Magoo, walking around Dwight’s salon-of-horror with her sunglasses on.  Give her a cane and a tin coffee cup and call it a day.
  • Poor Lisa.  Poor, poor, downsizing Lisa.  We learn that Ed and Lisa will be “downgrading” from their current casa to a smaller house that is more affordable.  Lisa provides us with her non-stop nervous laugh, fast talking, and constant eye blinking, which makes this scene even more awkward to watch.  We later find out that their downsizing consists of another multi-million dollar home and building a guest-house in the backyard of that multi-million dollar home.  You wanna know how I’ve been “downsizing” in this economy?  I’ve been making my own iced-coffee and stealing large straws from Dunkin Donuts and cutting them in half once I get back to my apartment so that I double up on the amount of straws I have.  This is, sadly, not a joke.  What?  I thought we were sharing stories?
  • Meanwhile, NeNe is informing Greg that she snuck a visit with her possible dad, Alan, in Athens, GA.  Greg is not happy with this and will not support NeNe.  This brings NeNe to tears and by “tears” I mean “hands covering her face with the occasional snort.”  I don’t believe it for a second.  I think when Michelle Tanner was crying and asking Uncle Jesse if it was ok to cry after Papouli died, was a more believable scene than this one.
  • Making Fun of a Child Alert:  With the amount of nasty-grams I get from you people you’d think I’d tone it down.  I won’t because this is a free country and, while I may not know what that means, I think it enables me to make fun of kids.  It’s what George Washington fought for during World War II, I believe.  With that said, it’s a Mother’s Day celebration at Kandi’s house and her kitchen is filled with about 259 children.  What joy.  Kandi gets a poem written by one of her fiance’s children.  I paused my Tivo so that I could write exactly how that poem went.  Here we go:  “Roses are red violets are blue you are special in my heart and I will always love you are pretty as a flower and cute as a bee you smell so sweat that why you are special to me.” Ok take a breath now.  Yes, it did say “sweat” and yes it was missing some words and yes it had no punctuation and yes it didn’t fully rhyme.  You know what that means!  I smell Kim’s next hit song!  I also smell Kim’s smokey wig, but that’s another story for another time.
  • Kandi’s mom makes peace with Kandi’s fiance.  I’m sure she’s thanking Santa Christ that she did that right about now.  Just sayin’.
  • Let’s slow this crapisode down a bit, boys and girls, (if that’s possible) and get ready to lapse into a coma with Kim’s personal stylist Dean Pardue.  Dean Pardue always seems like he’s, what I like to call, “end of the night drunk.”  You know how at the end of the night you always find those people who are so drunk that their eyes are half shut and they’re slurring their words so slow and kinda have a half smile on their face at all times?  Yeah, well that’s Dean Pardue to me.  Oh and by “people who are drunk” I am strictly referring to myself.  I may change my normal sentence of “I’m so drunk I have to go home” to “Oh crap, I’ve been Dean Pardue’d…see you later.”
  • Anyway, Dean shows Kim the new clothes he’s made for her.  Kim decides it’s time to be conservative because she’s engaged now.  If by conservative she means “porn wigs” and “zinc-pink lips” then, yeah, she’s totally conservative….for a mother at a whorehouse.  Sidenote, I love when Kim films scenes in her bedroom because we always get a quick look at the naked picture of Kim on a chair that she has framed and hanging on her wall.  Just the appropriate amount of side-boob to be considered “art.”
  • Lisa and Ed go back to their downsized house that Ed used to live in.  I’m pretty sure as Ed is showing Lisa around the house and telling her the changes they can make, Lisa is already filling out her online dating profile in her head.  Snore.
  • The NeNe/Kim Choking Situation:  Apparently while shopping, Kim and NeNe (and their respective wigs) bumped into each other.  Each are telling us their side of the story because this “meeting” took place without cameras.  Fail.  I guess both were yelling at each other and then one trashy thing lead to another and Kim slapped NeNe’s hand away from her face and NeNe, allegedly (suck it lawyers), choked Kim.  Really?  Oh yeah?  I see.  Well, if there were no cameras there, why not add even more to the story?  Perhaps NeNe pulled a gun on Kim?  Maybe Kim tried to run over NeNe with Big Poppa’s her car?  Maybe both had a Michael Jackson “Bad” video dance-fight-off?  Sky is the limit ladies.  Remember, Oprah tells us to dream big.
  • This situation is like the Kennedy assassination and the “magic bullet.”  Fine, it’s not.  So who do you believe?  My thought is that NeNe did put her finger near Kim’s face and Kim lost her sh*t and pushed it away.  I’m sure that did freak out NeNe the Green Giant, to which NeNe probably just pushed Kim away and Kim’s wig probably came up with the story that NeNe choked her.  I don’t think NeNe seems like one to choke someone.
  • Of course my favorite lines of this episode is when NeNe is talking about the situation and says, “Is your wig squeezing your brain too tight, heifer?”  Also, Kim calling NeNe a moose, I’m sure, will come back to haunt her during the reunion show. 
  • My middle of the night nightmare, Dwight, is literally doing everything for Sheree’s fashion show.  As much as Dwight scares the piss out of me, hopefully Sheree gives him the credit he deserves.  However, Sheree is more focused on getting her hair done and clothes on than working out the final details of the show.  Sheree knows that cameras are following her and we can actually see that Dwight was doing everything and she was trying to take credit for all of it, right?  Like, she knows our eyes see this….yes?  No?  Yes.
  • Kim invites NeNe over to her condo (??) to discuss Choking-Palooza-2009, which I am still pissed off wasn’t filmed.  They should have at least animated the fight or something.  Perhaps Popsicle sticks with heads reenacting the fight.  Let’s get creative.
  • Well it’s time for Dwight’sSheree’s fashion show.  The whole gang shows up.  Lisa, is dressed like Rosie the Robot from The Jetson’s.  NeNe the Green Giant tells Kandi that Kandi owes her an apology.  Again, does NeNe know we’ve seen the show?  Anycrap, Kandi handled herself well.  I have a feeling Kandi will release her new album and peaceout of the show.  Jesus Claus help me that I’m actually thinking these actual thoughts about this show.  I’ve hit a new low.
  • Anyway, the fashion show is a big “success” and rumor has it that Sheree’s ego will be the newest housewife next season.  I’m sure you’ll all be able to find “She” at a Building 19 near you. 
  • In the last 5 seconds we learn the following:  Sheree is producing her own line of exercise videos, Lisa and Ed are writing a relationship book, Kandi is finishing up her album, Tardy for the Party is #3 on iTunes Dance Chart, and NeNe is still promoting her book. I’m pretty sure all of these are signs of the Apocalypse.
  • So let this be a lesson to all the little girls out there.  Marry rich, apply to be on a reality show, and you, too, can write books, sell songs, and star in your own exercise videos. Ah, the American Dream.  This is what they were talking about.

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