Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Who Pressed Play for Kim’s “Live” Performance? Thank You to Whoever You Are!



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  • Kim is packing the piss out of her luggage in quite the hurry so she and her assistant, Sweetie, can get to Palm Springs to perform “Tardy for the Pardy” for thousands of Zolciak lookalikes.  In fact, Kim wants to make sure Sweetie packs all of her wigs that’s she named after people like, Jane, Suzie, Sierra, etc.  I always assumed she’d name them after the type of sex she’d have in them like, Blow, Backdoor, and Scissors.  Just me?
  • Meanwhile NeNe gets about 5 minutes of airtime in this crapisode and so she’s going to use it wisely and talk to her youngest son about Bryson getting arrested in the past.  NeNe wants to make sure he knows that he had nothing to do with gangs…yet.  NeNe could have been giving her youngest son a recipe for blueberry muffins for all I know, but I was hypnotized by NeNe’s teeth at this point thanks to alert IBBB reader, Alexis, who gave me the heads up to check out the fact that NeNe has about 4 veneers on her bottom teeth and then, well that’s about all.  4 teeth on the bottom and then a mile of “clear runway” on both the right and left sides.  She’s like my 1.5 yr old niece sprouting teeth in random places.
  • Why does Dwight have his own publicist and why did he bring him to Sheree’s house to discuss her She from yesteryear?  Sheree confronts Dwight about spreading rumors that he spent $30,000 on her fashion show.  Dwight tries to explain that the money went to a seamstress and photocopies at Kinko’s.  She By Sheree ain’t (ai-not) having it and suggests that if Dwight had $30,000 why wouldn’t he use it to fix his nose so he can actually breathe out of it.  Uh-oh, Sheree stole right from NeNe’s joke book.  Also, Dwight is just a wax statue, right?  Everyone knows this, yes?
  • So Kim and Sweetie, the Thelma and Louise of our generation, are driving Kim’s rented yellow Lamborghini to get to Palm Springs.  While driving through the dessert they spot some windmills and Sweetie thinks that they provide snow to the mountains.  Oh sweetie.  Literally.
  • Later Kim’s wig has to go to the bathroom so they pull over in the dessert and stop in what I can only assume is Verne Troyer’s dressing room so she can relieve herself.  Kim’s acting like the place is so small and gross, but something tells me that before Big Papa came into Kim’s life she would have described it as “airy” and “elegant.”
  • Poor Kandi.  How in the hell did she get roped into helping Kim for her show?  She’s actually done stuff with her life and is now standing at the hotel waiting for Kim and Sweetie and their, literally, limo of wigs to show up.  Once they do Kim convinces Kandi to sing on stage with her during her “live” performance.  What the hell is Kandi going to do, press play when Kim gets on stage? Kandi needs to just kick off her shoes and relax her feet and party on down to the Xcape beat, in my opinion.
  • I have to admit I’m kind of digging this whole Kim, Sweetie, Kandi situation.  It’s entertaining to watch.  There, I said it.
  • You know who I don’t really care about so much?  Cynthia.  Yes, she’s been engaged 3 times in the past. Stop talking about it.  Next.
  • Ugh, and here’s another one.  Phaedra.  The Clair Huxtable of this Housewives franchise.  She’s talking so slow I find myself lapsing into a self-induced coma.  Clair Huxtable is cooking fish and eggs for her husband, Apollo, in her “sexy” lingerie.  It could have just been eggs and perhaps I smelled fish?  One may never know.  Phae Phae and her husband are arguing about beating their child when he looks at them the wrong way.  Clair Huxtable is looking forward to beating the bag out of him and her husband doesn’t want to.  I say let’s just let the courts decide.
  • Back on Thelma and Louise, Kim is trying on a bunch of different outfits for her performance.  She has some dude named Charlie Altuna (no joke) stop by to show her some clothes.  I use that term loosely.  Basically everything was just one big ruffle and then her rack and box hung out.  Kim should have just stapled three wigs together and called it a day.
  • So, wow.  Sheree has a 24 year old daughter.  She thinks we’re all shocked that she had a baby when she was a teenager.  I wasn’t so much shocked as I was expecting.  Her daughter seems like she has a good head on her shoulders, plans on getting married first, and then having a baby later.  Sheree is squealing like a pig in heat  over the fact that she’s isn’t going to be a “Nana” yet.  Perfect.  This gives her plenty of years to date many-a-ath-uh-letes.
  • Is this whole episode basically about Kim?  You know she’s loving this sh*t.  Since it’s the night before her major “performance” she, Kandi, and Sweetie are heading out to the Tea Party in which everyone wears white and if you are a drag queen you most likely look like Kim without intentionally trying.  Kim is loving all the attention the gay guys are giving her and, deep down, I think she really thinks that some of them want to sleep with her.  I’m guessing they’re just getting up close and personal to see if they can detect an Adams Apple or brush up against a little Zolciak penis-in-da-pants.  A “Little Papa” if you will.
  • NeNe got a couple of more minutes of airtime by washing her dogs ass with the outside hose.  Yup.
  • Back to Tornado Kim.  Now she’s at rehearsal so she can meet the back-up dancers and learn exactly what she needs to do.  Kim has no clue.  She’s coming out in a martini glass and then she has to walk across stage, move with the dancers, etc.  Kim’s acting like she’s trying to memorize the first 3 paragraphs of the Gettysburg Address.  I think I’ve already learned Kim’s “dance steps.”  Although I’m a little more advanced with my dancing since I’ve been watching Amber from Teen Mom “sexy-dance” all season long.
  • Does Kim have like a “play clothes” wig?  No matter what time of day it is Kim’s hair always looks like it’s ready for the Prom.  Doesn’t she have a wig to just hang around in?  Like a ponytail wig or, oh I don’t know, her real hair?
  • Clair Huxtable alert again.  Clair is force-feeding Apollo some food he doesn’t like, but the southern belle is only accustom. To………the.  Finest………..things.  In.  Life.  Seriously, it’s like speed it up there Phaedra the friggin show ends at 10pm on the dot.  When she isn’t talking at a snails pace she’s give slow-motion sass looks to everyone at the table.  As a sidenote, why are we stuck watching Clair and Cliff have dinner with a married couple from her church who wants to council them…and be on television.  I’m bored.  Night-night Clair.  Now go and dance to slow jazz with Cliff with the lights off in the living room as the credits roll.
  • Well we finally get to meet the guy who’s responsible for the dead animal that has set up house on Kim’s head.  Her “hairstylist” allowed the cameras to show his face without being blurred out.  This can’t be good for his career, no?
  • It’s finally almost time for Kim’s performance and she is looking like the whoriest-in-mourning-ballet-dancer that $4.99 can buy.  Kim’s freaking out because not only are her boobs about to literally fall out, but once the wind kicks up we’re about to catch a glimpse of her littlest Zolciak.  Luckily Charlie The Tuna is there to help sew Kim’s vagina into her dress and strap her boobs down with what I can only assume is electric tape.
  • Kim’s a nervous wreck.  She can barely smoke.  She decides that she’s just going to “focus on her vocals” instead of the intricate dance moves.  Um, shouldn’t she have been focusing on her vocals in the studio and not when they’re about to press play and push Kim out in a giant martini glass?  And you totally know that Kim is going to F up her dance moves by trying to drink out of the glass she’s sitting in.
  • In the end Kim “nails” the “performance” of the “remix” of “Tardy for the Pardy” and the “crowd” goes “wild.”  Even Kandi comes out to yell “what what” and “does this side know how to party?!”  In Kim’s world this was a major success and sends a message to all little girls that as long as you have big boobs and a wig collection you can land a role on a reality show and get a #1 (on iTunes dance) song.  Ahhh, sleep well America!

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