Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Kim’s Been Chasing D*ck Since She Came Out of the Womb. End Quote.

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Real Housewives of Atlanta is finally back!  I feel like they’ve been shoving commercials down our throat for 2-months and it’s finally here.  So let’s catch up with everyone and enjoy them all fight over who really has money and who doesn’t.  Here’s what went down last night on RHOA as “the kids” say:

  • It’s about time they finally updated the opening credits! I mean, I can barely understand what they’re saying (NeNe: When I walk into a room I own) and if I can understand what they’re saying it doesn’t make much sense to me (Kim: Some people call me a gold-digger, but they just want what I have).
  • They should totally have a Real Housewives Allstar season and have LuAnn, NeNe, Tamra, Caroline, and a couple of other randoms all filming together.  Someone make this happen. And…go!
  • We kick things off with Sheree acting her weave off with, literally, a cast of characters.  However, the highlight of the acting class is clearly the teacher, Kristen, who is dressed head to toe in different shades of orange and gold, including her train-conductor hat.  Basically she looks like “Bev,” Roseanne’s mother from “Roseanne.”  She’s a gawdy mess and quite possibly could actually be Kim G in disguise.  I’m still trying to piece her together.
  • It’s amazing how we’re only a couple of minutes into this episode and I’m already embarrassed for myself as a citizen of the world.  Sheree let’s us know that she doesn’t have any acting experience at all (like we don’t already believe that) and that she one day sees herself winning and Oscar.  If she meant “one day she sees herself living in the same trash can as Oscar the Grouch” then “yes” I believe that.
  • NeNe busts into Sheree’s house/acting class like her crotch is on fire because she needs to discuss Kim’s article in Life & Style about being a lesbian for 26 minutes.  Sheree can’t believe that Kim likes women because she claims she never saw any signs of that, you know, like a little boys haircut or Birkenstocks or, quite possibly, a love for watching golf.  NeNe, on the other hand, thinks that Kim’s lover, DJ Tracy, “looks like she’s very experienced with women.”  Brilliant.
  • NeNe invites Kim over for a little lunch that includes a hired chef and a dress you’d wear to the Oscar’s perhaps.  Maybe we’ll see Sheree there? I was a little disappointed to see that Kim is still on her wig kick, like’s she ready to go and rob a bank, but things certainly were looking up when NeNe was asking her about her recent Adventures in Muff Diving (which should be the name of Kim’s next song, by the way).  This is where we get perhaps the best quote from any Real Housewives season ever.  Kim says, and I quote, “I’ve been chasing dick since I came out of the womb.”  I stand corrected.  That should be the name of her next song.  I mean, she didn’t even blink when she made that statement.  It was just matter of fact.  Apparently Kim really hasn’t ever been tardy for the party, especially if that party is filled with cock-a-doodley-doodley-doo.
  • Kim fills in NeNe that Dwight told her that Greg borrowed $10,000 from him and never told NeNe.  Well, this sends her over the edge and she starts making fun of all the work Dwight had done to his nose and how he isn’t able to breathe out of it. I have to say, NeNe is killing it in this episode.  Even Kim is bearable.
  • In other fun Kim Zolciak quotes she says, “When NeNe’s not choking me, we have fun.”  That you are, Kim that you are.
  • The “next day” Kim invites Kandi over for lunch and Kandi calls her out on her wig being off-centered.  Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin it!  This is coming from, keep in mind, a chick whose hair looks like a comb-over blowing in the wind.  Me gusta it.  Me gusta it, a lot.
  • Kandi is now dating Willis McGahee from the Baltimore Raven and so they’re having a rock-climbing date.  Oh and it’s boring.  I was just about to “next” this when Kandi talks about not having sex until next year and What You Talkin’ ‘Bout Willis asks her if that means “oral sex” too and Kandi informs us that it doesn’t so basically we know that someone will be playing the alphabet game on their naughty no-no for about 6 hours a night.
  • Ok.  Kim’s daughter, Brielle.  You guys ready for this sh*t?  I can’t even.  She’s a typical 13 year old girl, but somehow she has turned into a character from an SNL skit.  She has braces and elastics like Catelynn from Teen Mom, but that spew saliva out of the corners of her mouth when she talks, but especially when she’s talking with food in her mouth, which she does throughout her entire scene with Kim.  Honestly it’s insane.  And I’m not even making fun of her, really, I think it’s awesome.  If only she spoke a little faster I was waiting for her to start screaming “Rick! Rick! Rick!” and run around the kitchen table.
  • Phaedra.  Where do we begin?  I want to hit the “dislike button” on her, I really do but there is something about her that I like and that seems so familiar to me.  And then it hits me.  She. Speaks. Very. Slowly. With. A Lot. Of. Pauses. And. Halfway. Closes. Her. Eyes. When. She. Talks. So. Sensually.  Just like Clair Huxtable!  That’s who she totally is.  Clair Freakin Huxtable.  And it gets better because we find out she’s a lawyer too…just like Clair Huxtable!  This is such a great night for me.  I swear, if the other new chick is like Pearl from 227 I’m going to slam my ding-dong in my dresser drawer.
  • Phaedra Huxtable heads over to Dwight’s house of horror and we learn that Dwight spent $30,000 of his own money on Sheree’s fashion show and never got a dime of that money back.  How dreadful. As a sidenote, is Dwight basically just a talking wax statue?
  • I love watching Kim’s parenting.  It’s genius.  Her youngest daughter want to go swimming in the pool and Kim simply tells her that she can’t go in the pool because she’ll “get an infection in her vagina.”  I mean, does this little girl even know what her vagina is yet?  And what ever happened to the good old parenting stand-by excuse of, “You have to wait an hour before you go swimming so you don’t get a cramp and drown?”  Kim cuts right to the dramatic chase and, you know what, I like it.
  • All the girls are heading out to some party where they’re going to look at new shoes (Baby, I can’t wait).  Kim is dressed in clothing that I can barely describe.  She’s wearing her stand-by 2005 torn up jeans, but she’s also wearing some white-mesh-see-through-shirt-with-long-cape-in-the-back.  Huh?  It’s like she’s wearing half of a figure skaters costume.  Somewhere Oxana Biaul is shivering naked in an alley.
  • Dwight is in attendance of this shoe party and NeNe is still pissed about him telling people he let Greg borrow $10,000.  This shouldn’t go over that well.  And, well, it doesn’t.  Somehow a fight breaks out between the two of them and consists of an argument over how “Boo” is so last year and getting Dwight’s hand out of NeNe’s face.  Speaking of her face.  What’s up with it? Does she get work done later in the season because in some clips it looks like old NeNe and in other clips it looks like NeNe of the Future!  At one point NeNe is just yelling 2 inches from Dwight’s face, “$10,000 dollars?  $10,000 dollARs?!  $10,000 dollARs?!”
  • In the end they end up all leaving the shoe fiesta together and this got me to thinking, remember when they all used to hate each other?  In this show I like them all liking each other and being friends.  In Housewives of NYC I like it when they all hate each other.  See how that works? Join Me on Facebook!

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