Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: I LOVE Monsters Full of Trash!

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Seriously how many episodes of Real Housewives of Atlanta have there been this season? It’s like Flinstone Movie sequels. Well we’re definitely down to the wire with the season finale next week, but that doesn’t mean that all the women can’t be stuck in a sh*t storm at a Miami mansion and just basically fight the entire time. Here are some wondrous events that took place on the latest crapisode of RHOA:

Obligatory Starter – When I walk into a room, PAYOLA!

The Turtle Head Pushing Through – NeNe is still fighting on the bus with Kim and her head is moving in and out like a turtle with rabies…in every sense of the word. As usual, all Kim always says is “get out of my F’n face! In usual form, NeNe fights back by saying some of my favorite fight phrases, “I am a grown-ass woman.” This is very reminiscent of Snooki from just a few episode ago of Jersey Shore screaming at Sammi, “You are a skanky ass b*tch.”  Just add the word “ass” to any insult, lather, rinse, repeat.  I like how they make it look like they’re still fighting as the pull the bus into the Miami “estate” but when they show the fight you can see the highway in the background going about 70 mph. At one point I saw the Wicked Witch on a bike in the background with Toto peaking out of a basket. P.S I know how to work it, NBC.

She’s Such a Monster, a Monster Full of Trash – The fighting continues outside the bus with Sweetie chain-smoking in the background like she just “did scissors” in an all women prison for a carton of Misty 120’s. Meanwhile Kim is smoking out of the other side of her mouth (per usual) and NeNe is still fighting, yet making me laugh at the same time. She actually says to Kim that she’s lucky she didn’t throw her off the bus and poke out both her eyes. She even adds the sound effects of popping out her eyeballs which, of course, is “bloop bloop.” I mean, priceless. She ends the argument by calling Kim a “monster, a monster full of trash.” I don’t actually know what that is but, you know what, I’m going to be using that on the regular. It may or may not replace me ending my normal sentences with, “trash box.” For example, “Did you get my text message, trash box?” Blonk!

If You’re a World Class Pedophile, Do I Have the Property For You! – If Joey Gladstone got a spin-off show from Full House, this would be his set. First of all there are dinosaurs everywhere like you’re driving up Route 1, Saugus (shout out, what what!). Second there are life-like people just placed all around the house. Some are old men, some are native American women with aprons on and traditional head-dresses. Oh, and the owner had his dog stuffed from when he was little. That’s how I want to go, by being stuffed…or perhaps doing the stuffing. I haven’t decided. At one point I saw a pig sitting on a toilet reading a dictionary next to a silver skull head, which was directly next to a stack of GQ magazines. If Martha Stewart was on a meth-binge, this is how she would decorate. As a sidenote, this is all classic trailer décor of Butch and April from Teen Mom.

So Thomas is Zsa Zsa Gabor’s Husband, Right? – Creeptastic, minus the tastic. Thomas, the Miami mansion owner is ready to gang bang the bag out of these women if the cameras weren’t there. In fact, I’m sure he’ll do it even with the cameras and will kill the camera crew and then stuff them and position them all around the house like a Dickens Christmas Village. And you totally know that Kim blew her way into getting her and her friends a “free” weekend. Also, every time Thomas ends his sentences with “Dahhhhling” take a shot (either of vodka or “to the privates.”)

Sweetie Isn’t a Slave, Due to Her Pay – Kim is sitting with Sweetie on the front stairs, sipping White Zin and smokin’ like a choo-choo f’n train and asking Sweetie if she thinks she is a slave. Rule of thumb: If you have to ask, it’s an issue.

Are Kim and Kandi the Debbie Gibson and Tiffany of Small Concert Touring? – It’s the final thick cellulite leg of the tour and Kim and Kandi are basically singing on the side of the street to about 25 people who just happened to be walking by. The car drops off Kim in the middle of said crowd and she immediately lights up a cigarette so that she can really warm up her voice. Because, boy and girls, at the end of the day nothing sells records quite like the smooth stylings of emphysema. Sadly, if Kim was singing through a hole in her throat out of one of those robot-sounding talk boxes she would sound more true to life than when she sings to her self singing to “Tardy for the Party.” I mean, give that song a rest. Even Countess LuAnn de levorced stopped singing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” after 16 months. My friend. Oh yeah! And, of course, Kandi is singing “I Fly Above All the Drama” again, this season, once more. I would have rather heard her sing “Just Kickin’ It” in Mandarin than this song again.

Cynthia is the New Tyra. Oh, and Tyra. Tyra. – It’s time for Cynthia’s big fashion show! How the hell old is Cynthia and, more importantly, how’d she get all that junk, all that junk inside her trunk. It was like I’m gonna get get get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump. The runway show would be a snoozey-snoozenhiemer except for the fact that Cnythia is apparently smuggling her sister on the back side of her swim suit. She should have ended her runway walk with a booty clap. Me gusta.  Sidenote, no one would wear those swimsuits in a pool.  Although the hat can ba worn at any standard funeral.  Perhaps to the funeral of Kim when NeNe stomps her to death with her neck.  Bloop!

The Pee-Wee Herman Secret Word of the Day is “Honeymoon.” Ahhhhh! – While lunching on, well, lunch the girls start asking Cynthia about her pending horrible idea of a wedding and Kandi (Koated niiiiiigggghts!) asks her where her honeymoon is going to be. Well that’s enough to send Cynthia into a tailspin downward spiral to “Crash n Burnville” because she bursts into tears (although I didn’t see many) and has to excuse herself from the table. AnnaMae! AnnaMae you better wipe those tears on the double and get into the recording booth AnnaMae! Seriously, why doesn’t she just call off the wedding with Sebastian the Crab? I know next week is the season finale wedding, but I’m going to be pissed if they really get married. I mean clearly this is going nowhere fast.

Strippers Strippers Eveywhere. Oh, and Male Strippers Were There Too. – After Cynthia finally decides to stay in Miami one more night and have her dumb bachelorette party Phaedra’s clients, who happen to be strippers, show up for a little dancing and nastiness. NeNe and Kim have looks of disgust on their face from just looking at strippers, but I’m not sure why they seem so against it as they were in the same line of work not that long ago. And why do I have a feeling that when NeNe was spread eagle on stage she would yell out “blonk!” while she shot change for a $10 out of her “gentlemen greeter.” Just me? Fine. Bye.

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