Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Destiny’s Child Reunion (in court)!

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Well Real Housewives of Atlanta moved to Sunday nights.  Great, thanks.  My hangover to Housewives recapping ratio isn’t going to be so good.  Although I’m not so great with math and, to be honest, I don’t really know how ratios work or if I’m even using it in the correct context so maybe I’ll be fine after all.  Anyphae, here’s what went down last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta:

  • Kandi has done such a great job with giving a wig a singing career that she now wants to recreate the drag wheel and give unto America, RuPaul 2.0:  Electric Boogaloo.  And enter, Lawerence, Sheree’s gay hairdresser.  Kandi wants to sign him to her new record label and after he sings the opening of  the National Anthem everyone is ready to get to work on him.  Look, I don’t have anything against drag singers, as I’ve supported both Kim Zolciak and LuAnn de Levorced.  Hey everyone it’s me, LuAnna, as you know!
  • Speaking of my favorite wig, Kim stops by the studio to hear Kandi sing Kim’s new song.  Kandi is hitting some high notes whilst belting out “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” and Kim’s looking at the screen like she’s trying to take out the wishbone in a high-stakes game of Operation.  Why can’t her next song just be Money Can’t Buy You Class (My Friend) and then LuAnn’s next song can be Tardy for the Party. They can just keep swapping it out every 365 days.  Yes and yes.
  • In “This Happens Every Episode” News:  NeNe is yelling at Bryson to get a job and Cynthia is in a different hairstyle telling someone else she doesn’t know if she wants to get married and telling us that she was engaged 3 times.  Next.
  • Hooray!  Kim is officially in the recording studio!  Kim is freaking out that there are no curtains in the recording booth.  Beef curtains?  Can’t LC just stand at the window spread-eagle?  Eh, either way.
  • I’m pretty sure Kim thinks her voice comes out of her fingers giving the “ok sign” because when she tries to hit the high notes she just kinda does that Mariah Carey hand thing.  Also, Kim is blaming her “lisp” when she pronounces her “S’s’ as why she can’t sing this song.  She has a point because the whole time I thought the song was called, “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” and it’s really called “Thes Rings Didn’ts Means a Things.”  Now it all makes sense.  And, not for nothing, but Cindy Brady was never officially kicked out of the Silver Platters because of her lisp.  I mean, years later she ended up in rehab and quite possibly some softcore porn, but still.  She could “sha la la la la la la la la” with the best of ’em.
  • Is it normal that the look on everyone’s face while Kim tries to sing is the same look you give when you realize your stomach has just been hit with explosive projectile diarrhea?  She misses one note (or 12) and all of a sudden everyone’s eyes bug out (like Tyler’s mom) and they just freeze.  Personally, I thought this was just Kim’s mating ritual.  I was waiting for Big Papa to come crashing through the studio wall and start dry-humping her.
  • Also, Kim’s voice, as we know, is an absolute God-damn travesty.  Seriously, NeNe could queef a more in-tune song.
  • Kandi thinks that Kim needs to go back and get some vocal lessons from Jan Smith.  Kim seems confused by this as she claims she sang in 8th grade AND her brothers graduation.  And you mean to tell me she was never discovered back then!?!
  • Oh, I’m sorry have the gods at Bravo combined by two favorite things on earth, Housewives of Atlanta AND Destiny’s Child?  I just got up and kissed my rosary beads.
  • Enter Latavia, one of the original members of Destiny’s Child who was replaced.  No, the other one.  Nope, the other one.  Nope, not that one.  No, the other one.  No, the other one.  Nope, shorter hair.  No, the other one.  Yes, her.
  • Phaedra, for reasons my mind can’t seem to get around, is reaching out to her existing clients to see if they need any additional legal help.  So basically she calls in her clients and sees if she can come up with ways for them to pay her more money.  This time, the chick from Destiny’s Child has been through the ringer after being kicked out of the group years ago.  She started drinking and her life fell apart, so it only makes sense that Phae Phae wants to be instrumental in restarting her career and getting her back on top.  So is her strategy to sue people who don’t buy her album?  I’m confused.  All I know is that it sounds like she’s saying no, no, no, no, no when it’s really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
  • Kim and NeNe head out to eat, drink, and talk about Kim’s new song.  Per usual, they leave the restaurant with their drinks in hand and sit in Kim’s car to listen to the unfinished “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” so that NeNe can give Kim her words of wisdom on it.  As predicted NeNe doesn’t like the song.  She just keeps saying, “Like the ring didn’t mean a thing.  Like it didn’t.  Like, it really just didn’t mean a thing.”  Great recap NeNe.  Blonck!
  • Later, Kim has a yard sale with the “hundreds of thousands of dollars” in crap that she’s had stored in multiple storage units over the years.  Oh, and she’s selling all of this in a parking lot.  Can I love this show any more than I do?
  • Even Kim’s daughter are in on the act and are holding up signs on the highway and screaming “Kim Zolciak’s yard sale” as cars whiz by upwards of 65 mph.  Safe.  Her littlest daughter, Shecky Zolciak (?) says, “I never thought we’d end up working on the streets.”  This, boys and girls, is a little something we like to call “foreshadowing.”
  • Kim’s selling designer clothes, $20,000 bedroom sets, Versace dinner plates, etc.  You know, the norm.  Because when people come to a yard sale with $6.00 in change to spend and without their moving truck they’re really looking to take home a bedroom set.
  • Kim’s dad wants to sell everything at about 95% of the original retail price.  This “forces” Kim to start drinking wine out of her travel mug at 9:30 in the morning.  More importantly, Sweetie packs a bottle of wine with her in the car at all times?  I can’t wait for Celebrity Rehab in 2015.  I wonder if Kim’s wig will have some gray in it by then?
  • Phae Phae stops by the parking lot sale to bring some southern charm and sh*t grins into all of our lives.  She’s still on her kick about delivering her baby at 7 months because, she claims, it’s already 8 pounds and has completely turned around.  Seriously, it’s insane.  NeNe hits the nail on the head during her one-on-one interview when she says, “Stop staying this out loud so people can hear how crazy you really are!”  Brilliant.  It’s like she’s acting kinda shady and calling me baby, why the sudden change?  Say my name, say my name.
  • Later Kandi stops on by and Kim tells her that she doesn’t like the “beginning of the track” she’s singing.  Kim gives her feedback like, “it needs a catchier beat” and also, “it needs more oomph.”  Why doesn’t Kandi give her feedback like, “the song needs a different singer” and “you’re terrible.”
  • Finally a drunken dinner party!  NeNe has over Cynthia and Peter so that they can talk to Bryson about, you guessed it, getting a job.  The night takes a right turn and everyone gets drunk and then NeNe and Greg awkwardly fight in front of the “guest”s and the American public.  If this was Amber and Gary right now there would blood and black-eyes everywhere!  I miss them.
  • Next thing you know there’s a discussion about communicating, NeNe is tapping Greg on the nose, and then he heads downstairs to play pool.  NeNe ups her drinking, which is awesome, and she’s about one Grey-Goose away from singing about Kim in a limo.  She then takes Cynthia downstairs to show her “where Greg lives now.”  It’s a nice tour and a nice apartment.
  • In the end, NeNe leads us all to believe that Greg cheated on her, without actually saying it.  And Cynthia looks like she wants to Bugs Bunny right through the wall to get the hell out of Dodge.  I love drunk NeNe.  I love drunk everyone.

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