Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: A Wedding You Can Throw on the Grill

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Obligatory Starter: When I walk into a room, SPUMONI!

So Wait a Second, You Mean to Tell Me Lawrence Isn’t Sweetie? – Tuck your didgeridoo between your legs and make a wish because it’s time for Lawrence to sing “Closet Freak” at some random bowling alley-like place in Hatlanta. It’s as tragic as you might envision. And I don’t even care that he’s dressed like the step-daughter of Madea. I mean sure at one point I gave a shout of to In Living Color by yelling “Hated it!” towards my television but I digest. And I don’t think anyone enjoyed the performance more than Kandi’s mother, who may be “with alcohol” on the regular. The only confused face in the whole crowd was Zolciak who looked like she couldn’t figure out why his microphone wasn’t directly in front of his mouth the whole time so we couldn’t see him, you know, “form words.”

Is $3000 for an Open Bar at a Wedding Really A Lot? – Cynthia and her weave-o-da-day is (closet) freakin’ out that her wedding is in just a couple of days and she has to still pay the open bar bill for her wedding which is $3,000. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a nice chunk of change, but is that really a lot for a wedding? I thought she was getting a deal, to be honest. Anymacysmodeling, desperate times call for desperate measures because Cynthia has to ask her dad to see if he can foot the bill. Yeah, no. Nothing like giving someone 24 hours notice. To no surprise he ain’t (ai-not) able to help out so it looks like people are going to just have to bring their own booze to the wedding. More on this later.

Phaedra’s Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day – Whoa. Stop. The. Press. Phaedra isn’t a robot b*tch after all. I take it all back. Fine, I only take back 24.6% of it back. When Phae Phae has to head back to the working world she is shedding tears when she has to leave Ayden for the first time. Well actually it’s the second time. The first time she took off during her maternity leave to go booze it up and tickle the balls of strippers in Miami with names like “Chocolate Thunder” and “Long Dong Silver.” So anyway, this is the second time she had to leave her baby and is actually showing real signs of emotion. I’m not comfortable with any of this. I just yelled out “Boobies!” to lighten the mood.

Kim Can’t Afford to Pay Kandi for Her Music Because She Just Bought Boobs – Kandi FINALLY confronts Kim about paying her for, you know, the music that she created. This time around, she’s going to owe Kandi money for “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” if she ever wants it released and, literally, tens of people are waiting to make it their ring-tone. Kim doesn’t think she should have to pay a lot since she is the “artist” and has to make herself look good on stage by purchasing new breasts and the like. Unless Kim is buying herself a singing vaginastein for her performances, I’m not interested.

Secondhand Embarrassment with Sheree’s “Acting.” – I’m red in the face. We’ve been kidnapped and brought to another one of Sheree’s “auditions.” Seriously, why? She’s basically only qualified to be the tree in the background of a 4th graders school play and even then I don’t know if she’d be a Spruce or an Evergreen and, well, that’s mainly just because I don’t know the difference between the two. Moving on. Sheree is doing so bad that they’re actually telling her to stop because she’s basically just “posing.” In fact, the talent agent (?) is so pissed at Sheree that she’s basically acting out her lines for her. And even Margaret Cho is less than pleased with Sheree’s portrayal of “angry.” Whether she’s playing angry, happy, intense, sad, or exited she always sounds the exact say way: You. Meantotell. Me. That. I’m. Notgoingtoget. The. Part? Ath-uh-lete.

I Feel Like We Should Put Cynthia’s Sister on Suicide Watch – It’s the morning of the worst-idea-for-a-wedding in the world and Cynthia’s sister is literally brought to tears because she doesn’t think that AnnaMae should be marrying Sebastian the Crab during their Under the Sea wedding. She’s not even crying like a couple of tears…she’s border-line uncontrollable. Later Cynthia has to bail from the house and takes a walk to the park and her mom comes to find her and then her mom ends up crying uncontrollably because she doesn’t think Cynthia should be getting married. I don’t even think I would be as concerned that they were crying because they didn’t want me to marry someone, but I would be more concerned that they would be willing to do it on camera.  That’s when I would be like, “Whoa this is no joke.”  For real, why is she marrying Sebastian?  Is it just because she wants to defy King Triton?

Greg Says Sorry – Honestly I couldn’t care less about Greg apologizing to NeNe.  I mean, if he’s willing to admit that he is actually her father, not Curtis, then I would be more interested in this storyline.  If not, get a divorce and get interesting and get interesting quickly.  If NeNe wants to get her “happy” back she should turn to a life of drugs.  I heard that works.  I’m kidding.  It doesn’t.  Like my 6th grade nun used to say, “Drugs.  It’s 15 seconds of heaven and a life time of hell.”  I was always like, “How does she know?  Hmmm Sister Crack-Head?”

Time For the Drunken Wedding Talk With Your Daughter – Cynthia may or may not be 3 sheets to the wind whilst she’s getting her hair slicked the F down to her head.  Therefore it makes the most sense that she take this time to have a talk with her 11 year old daughter and do so with her eyes halfway shut and rambling on and on about how it’s still she and her daughter…and Peter, but still she and her daughter…and Peter.  Seriously, Cynthia’s sister should protest this wedding by taking off all of her clothes and holding up a sign that says, “I’d Rather Go Naked, Than Marry Peter.”  See what I did there?  See what I kinda did there?  I don’t know, there is some joke in there about Peter and Peta and that “Go Naked” campaign.  I’m tired, you dig to try and find it.

Hooray New Boobs for Kim! – You know what I always thought Kim needed?  New boobs.  This time around Kim is calling Sweetie via a microphone hooked up to a speaker so she can help get Kim and her new boobs out of bed.  Is it just me or did the producers try to tie up all loose ends with everyone in his last episode?  Like, every single person’s story was wrapped up…but it seems like it was taped after the regular season was taped.  How come we’re just seeing Kim’s new boobs now and not her going in for the surgery?  Was she “sans wig” during this time?  This is what “the people” want to know.  And you totally know that Kim’s boyfriend, Kroy, totally gets tee’d off on from all is Falcon teammates on the regular for banging the bag out of Kim Zolciak.  I mean, who could live that mess down.

Ways to Save Money on Your Wedding:  Remove Front Teeth. – You know how I hate to make fun of people.  Hahaha I could hardly type that without cracking up.  That one was just for us.  But anyway, Peter’s mother?  Really?  She shows up to the wedding and literally is missing her two front teeth.  Had she been an 8 year old, I would have let this slide.  I don’t care if you don’t have money.  You mean to tell me no one in your family could have bought you 2 teeth?  Really.  Really?  It’s like, Hey mom what do you want for your birthday this year?  (Mom) “Um, teeth?  Two please!”  That’s how that works.

Time for the Actual Wedding – Everyone is arriving for the wedding at the…Dinosaur Museum (burp).  Half of Atlanta’s men are arriving with full sets of pearls and high heels, per usual.  Cynthia suddenly remembers that she forgot to bring the marriage license with her and won’t be able to get married unless someone can go and get it.  This is when this show suddenly turns into an episode of “Sister Sister.”  Apparently, Cynthia’s sister has the marriage certificate but is hiding it from her in hopes that this won’t make the wedding legal and Cynthia’s mom is in on the hijinks.  Here’s the deal.  It’s a brilliant idea.  Here’s where it falls short.  You’re on camera plotting this.  I mean, this is how a life of crime starts.  First you’re stealing a marriage license and next thing you know you’re knocking over a 7-11 and clubbing baby seals.  There’s a theme.

“Sister Sister” decides not to withhold the marriage license, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not going to break down crying 2 more times over the fact that her sister is making a horrible mistake.  She can’t even look at the camera because she’s crying too much.  What would Jackee do, one would wonder.

Meanwhile. Team Zolciak shows up and brings their own bottle of wine to give to the waiter and ask him to hold it for them, not give it to anyone else, and stand around them for 30 minutes to be there to refill their glasses.  This is why this is suspect.  First off, Kim would never split a bottle of wine with anyone.  Second off, Kim would drink at least 3 bottles of wine over the course of the night.  Third off, Kim was probably already pregnant at this point and it was probably a non-alcoholic wine and she didn’t want to tip anyone off so that they wouldn’t go to the press before she got paid by Life & Style Magazine to sell/tell her “exclusive” story.  Seriously, I think I’m on to something with that.

Cynthia finally puts on her wedding dress (?) which may or may not be made out of a Jiffy Pop bag.  At one point I wanted someone to put some vegetables on her and toss her on the grill.  However, she decides not to jump on the grill, but instead walks down the aisle before Ike takes a swing at AnnaMae.  Basically, getting ready for the wedding took over 9 hours.  The wedding itself?  Eh, about 3 minutes 47 seconds.  They just exchanged vows, never exchanged rings, and nothing else took place.  I was kind of hoping that Peter’s mother would have taken some teeth from the dinosaurs and jammed them up in her gums but, alas, it never happened.  I was truly let down.

In the end, everyone danced.  Let me rephrase that.  Everyone danced?  Was it just me or were there not more than 2 people on the dance floor at a time?  Either way, the highlight was when Dwight brought his other half over to meet NeNe.  This dude may or may not have been a meth-addict-pimp.  Only time will tell.

Well folks, that ends another season of Real Housewives of Atlanta.  Where has the time gone?  Where has my brain gone?  Well when they be back?

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