Real Housewives of Atlanta: Phaedra’s Maternal Death Filled With Barbarian Cream

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Who’s up for a Real Housewives of Atlanta challenge? I am. Crickets? Cool. So I’m about to recap the piss out of this crapisode without my trusty DVR. In fact, I’m enroute from NYC to BOS for Thanksgiving and am officially writing this on the train. So let’s see how much I can actually recall. Oh, and the first person who says, “Um you forgot the part when….” Yeah, not cool. I’m not a friggin court stenographer. Hey-oh! So let’s give this a go. No whammies, no whammies, no whammies….STOP!

• When I walk into a room, I’m OTIS!
• It’s finally almost time for Phaedra’s fetus to crawl out of her southern vag (take a sharp right just east of the Mississippi and you’ll find it). I’m not quite sure who is the least parental, Phaedraholic or her inmate husband. Apollo talks about this miraculous process as “dropping the load.” Odd how that’s exactly how she got herself into this mess in the first place.
• Phaekra and Apollo head outside of Atlanta to give birth because (1) her secret doctor that is the “best in the world” is there and (2) they want to spend some awkward time in an old Plantation House. I remember when my mom gave birth to me in the old slave headquarters. We still chuckle about it to this day. Seriously?
• Understandably Phaeser is terrified of giving birth because, oh what’s the term, ah yes…she’s afraid of “Maternal Death.” I always assumed all death equally sucked, but apparently maternal death is just that much worse.
• In Phaedra is a Rocket Scientist News, whilst sipping on iced cold lemonade garnished with mint leaves covered in the sweetest dew drops from a grasshopper’s bottom, she makes sure to indulge in some southern lady fingers. Well fiddle-dee-dee what are lady fingers, Apollo asks? Phaekeout explains that lady fingers are filled with “barbarian cream.” No really, I want to see which bar she passed to become a lawyer. Whitney wants to see the receipts and, well, so do I. Hit to the hay!
• So what else? Ah yes, I am having blurry drunken memories of Phame-Whore checking into the hospital and seeming less than pleased that her “condo-sized room” has a view of what she thinks to be “the ghetto.” She then gives her trademark, “I smell me some shiz on my upper lip, y’all!” and all is right in my world. I have to admit that as much as Phaekey Smurf is a little too much she’s in just enough crazy to really make me thankful this Thanksgiving for her.
• Moments later Phaeble-Mable is getting what I can only assume is a tampon for a giraffe shoved up her hoochie-coochie that is lined with medicine so that her cervix (puke) softens and her baby can “shoot the coop.” Ole! Sadly during this scene I think we’re getting as close to seeing Phae’s “sex face” as we really want to get.
• Moving on.
• Who else is on this show? Yes. Kandi is in this show. Kandi apparently owns her own store called Tags. I’m not sure, it may not be called that. All I know is that she’s having her 34th (?) birthday there and Kim has given her the gift that everyone really wishes for, which is a custom made wig.
• Kandi hit the whore nail on the slut head when she placed the wig on her top and immediately declared that it looked “hookerish.” Score. Dead on.
• It was nice to see Lisa Wu-Tang Hartwell at the party as well. I’m just being nice. She is totally “Shawnie Snow” status to me. I actually spit on my floor when I saw her.
• In other developments, Sheree takes out her son and daughter and all their friends to go “go-carting” since half of them graduated 5th grade the other half graduated 8th grade. I kind of like Sheree this season. She seems happier. Maybe she’s drilling. No idea.
• Also in attendance at this random party of chicken and applesauce is Sheree’s ex-husband. Wow. He’s got balls, no? I mean Sheree dragged his name through the mud for 2 seasons and then VIOLA, here he is on television. He did look like he was missing a 7-figuh settlement. Maybe he thought he’d find it at the graduation party? One may never know.
• I’m not sure what order this goes in, but at one point Kandi goes to visit Phaedonna in el hospital and the mystery of the “full term pregnancy” is finally confirmed by her doctor. Apparently Phaeus Christ’s mom is very religions (a pastor I believe) and does not allow her kids to have a baby before they are married and “luckily” her “doctors” had their own “theories” on how far along she was. I guess their “theories” were false and Phaedlock was technically “with child” at her wedding. Hey, just like Mary!
• Meanwhile Sheree is having what I’m guessing is a “Spades by Sheree” card game/party and Dr. Flava-Flaaaaaav (boyeeeee) is in attendance.
• Poor Sheree. She claims she’s taking a big step by inviting him and introducing him to all her friends. I’m sure nothing can go wrong.
• Annnnd enter NeNe. NeNe recognizes him right off the bat, gives him a little sass and says, “Yeah I know all about you” and then doesn’t shake his hand. Me gusta NeNe. I definitely wouldn’t want to be on her bad side, but sadly I feel like I probably would end up being there.
• I guess Dr. Flava Flaaaaaaaav (!!) was in this huge scandal on Atlanta radio back in the day for claiming he was a psychiatrist. Spoiler Alert: He’s not. Spoiler Alert II: You can’t just pretend to be.
• Everyone ends up getting trashtastic at Sheree’s party and calls Dr. Flava Flaaaav out and he sweats his way through the whole thing. All I know is that somehow Ricki Lake was brought into this. I’m confused. Go Ricky! Go Ricky! Go Ricky! I was hoping she’s bust through the wall and give everyone a “Teen Bootcamp Makeover!”
• And how crazy was it earlier in the episode when Kim, who is scarily a registered nurse, knew all about babies and pregnancy and junk!? Even Cynthia, who is usually dead behind the eyes, gave a little comic relief during her 1on1 interview when she said, “You don’t look at Kim and think,’you’re a nurse aren’t ya?’”
• In the end, Phaedra-Dearest has to give birth via a c-section and when the baby comes out she says the most heart-warming and motherly thing which includes, “Oh gross!” as soon as she saw him and then followed it up with “he looks Chinese.”
• I’m sure the baby was thinking, “I’m like f*ck you. I guess the change in my diaper wasn’t enough and I’m like f*ck you and, uh, f*ck her too. See if I was richer I’d still be in her, now ain’t that some sh*t (ain’t that some sh*t).
• Ok that’s all I remember. How’d I do?

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