Real Housewives of Atlanta: Meet Kim’s Scissor Sister, Boys and Girls.

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  • When I walk into a room I’m Old Sh*t!
  • So remember how Blessed Mother Zolciak was a hardcore “lez in heat” for about 35 to 45 minutes  with DJ Tracy Young?  Yeah, well that horse that was beat to death came back to life so Kim’s decided to nurse it back to health, shoot it in the face, sing its ears off, and then beat it to death once again.  And then she f*cked it.  And then she contacted it via a Oiuja Board and had Oiuja Board sex with it.
  • Is anyone else getting the impression that DJ Little Boy Blue is way more into Kim than she is into her?  It’s like she never got the memo that said, “this is a publicity stunt.”  Maybe she heard the word “stunt” and thought Kim meant something else?  See how I just set that up for you?  Now knock it down.
  • As Kim is chatting it up with DJ LBB and is having to listen to her tell Kim that she’ll get her a ring bigger than Big Papa’s I notice there is a picture of Kim and DJ LBB in the background placed accurately on her desk.  Why?  I don’t care that she was a half-lez for half-the-day, but what does she tell her kids?  She’s like, “Hey Shecky, hey ‘other one’ come in here for a second.  See this picture?  This is mommy and her friend with whom she did scissors with one night.  We can help pay for this house because of it.  Now go clean your room.”
  • Also, DJ LBB was totally thinking Kim was going to front her the money for the plane ticket to come and visit her.  Awkward.  Also, scissors.  Scissors.
  • Sheree is a full fledged actress now.  We know this because she goes to visit her acting coach who may or may not be Kim G from RHONJ.  Sheree couldn’t care less that they basically landed her a part in some sh*t bag local play or the fact that they got her an appointment with a local agent.  She’s totally Weekend at Bernies in this scene/series.
  • She By Emmy is also less than pleased that she will not be getting paid to “star” in her local play.  I would be less than pleased if I had to pay to see her not get paid in this local play.  Whoriffic.
  • Anna Mae?  Gimme 5.  Anna Mae?  You better start singin’ Anna Mae Bullock! Peter is ready to punch Cynthia with an open fist over the fact that she’s chit-chatting on the phone with NeNe on the regular.  In fact, he basically makes her hang up because he’s cooking dinner and is ready to talk to her.  Huh?  Does he know cameras are on him during this scene and that these cameras can transmit pictures (eventually) to our television sets that are placed in our living rooms and we can see him…with our eyes…and we also have ears?  What a tool.  I have a funny feeling Cynthia is going to be telling her friends how she accidentally answered the iron again in “work” tomorrow.
  • Sweet it’s time to meet DJ Little Boy Blue!  She’s arrived in Atlanta to support Kim’s permanent wig and her singing “lesson” with Jan Smith.
  • 2 Things:  (1) Can they please give DJ LBB sub-titles because I’m struggling and (2) Jan Smith scares the absolute piss out of me.  Sure, that’s not a question but I get to make the rules up around this b*tch.
  • It’s time for Kim’s actual singing lesson.  Que suerte!  Kim gets stumped right off the bat when she has to sing “whoa.”  Yeah, she tanks.  Jan Smith makes her over emphasize the “whoa whoa whoa” because she says, “Pretend I’m deaf and have to read your lips.”  Yeah, that was a cry for help from Jan Smith.  She was actually wishing she was deaf and had to read lips and, well, even her lips were out of tune.  You wanna know what isn’t out of tune?  The wig.  Also, they should change song to “The Wig Doesn’t Mean a Thing.”  I mean, regardless I’ll be singing those words and I really strongly encourage you to sing those words as well.  You’ll thank me.
  • The best part of the singing lesson at Jan Smith’s House of Horror was when Kim had to “rap.”  I mean, if she only started break-dancing would it get better.  Other than that we’ve certainly hit “tilt” on the “I F’n Love This Sh*t-o-Meter!”
  • Sidenote, DJ LBB looks like she’s about to dry hump Kim in the booth.  Like, she’s about to dry-hump a pack of Misty 120’s out of Kim’s jeans pocket.
  • I don’t like when NeNe is sad.  She’s stuck in bed, depressed, that her husband is a complete D-Bag.  I found myself shouting at the television, “Rise my NeNe!  Rise out of bed.  Blonk!”
  • What is this I see?  Is Phaedra showing actual emotions of “love” and “caring” over her husband and baby?  Well, all that is washed away when “Spark St. Jude” (I mean, really) comes over to take pictures of Phae Phae, lil Phae, and Husband Phae.  You may remember Spark St. Jude from earlier in the season when she took pictures of a pregnant Phae Phae eating giant pickles whilst spread eagle on her back porch.  Ring a bell?  Yeah.
  • This time, Spark is ready to take some family photos and within seconds the baby (who is not wearing any clothes or a diaper) begins to spray out projectile diarrhea all over Phae Phae.  What’s worse is that they actually show wet sh*t all over Phae Phae’s hands and the floor.  Gross.  If I want wanted to see a scene with actual sh*t in it, I’d rewind it to when Kim was singing.  Hey-oh!  Hey-oh!  One more time.  Hey-oh!  You may use that one at your next dinner party/time drinking with friends out of a rusty dumpster.
  • The pictures get even more awkward when Phaedra holds the very end of the baby’s head and then Apollo holds the very end of the baby’s feet and they basically have him floating in air (and almost break his neck in the process).  Why is this needed?  Seriously, they’re holding the baby like they can actually “catch love.”
  • Let’s get back to Kim in “da studio.”  This time around she’s recording with Kandi and Jan Smith shows up again to kick me in the nuts and give Kim a few more pointers and by “pointers” I really mean “feed her how to sing literally every single word.”  By the end of the “lesson” for the song “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” Kim decides that she doesn’t like the word “thing.”  Yeah.  That’s the problem.
  • Speaking of women who are struggling to get famous one way or the other, Sheree has her meeting with her potential agent and has to read a scene she just got 5 minutes to prepare for.  Clearly, she is nervous.  Also, I’m nervous for her and am already cringing with secondhand embarrassment.  I’m embarrassed because I don’t want to listen to her “act” but also because she tells the agents that she’s been in two plays already, yet when they ask her which plays she can only name one.  We can tell she’s a great actress because while she’s lying about the plays she’s looking up in the air like the answer is going to fall out of the ceiling.  Bravo! (literally).
  • As Sheree has to “act out” her lines or any lines for that matter she seems like she’s pissed off.  She should only take roles where her character is angry at whoever she’s talking to.  Just a simple suggestion.  Take it or leave it.  But take it.
  • I don’t understand the car race.  Why are they racing their actual expensive cars?  Kim actually becomes the voice of reason when she says, “who races a Bentley?!”  Exactly.  Kim is so wise and so orange all at the same time.
  • Why does DJ LBB talk like she’s a 12 year old?  Someone do flash cards with her STAT!
  • And why is Kim all pissed off that people are talking to DJ LBB and asking her questions about her relationship with Kim?  You can’t put all of that out there in magazines and on a, you know, television show but then not want anyone to talk about it.  Scissors.
  • However the most important and vital question out of all of this during the racing scene is what the hell is on Shecky Zolciak’s head?  It’s like she took one of Kim’s wigs, crumbled it up, and then superglued it on top of her scalp.
  • In the end, Sheree races Kandi and ends up winning because no one knows the actual rules or why they’re even there for that matter.  And, on the ride home NeNe calls Cynthia to ask her why Peter is treating her differently and then asks to speak to him which results in Peter basically yelling at her and then hanging up on her.  Anna Mae!  You better take 5 Anna Mae Bullock!

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