Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kim’s Freak Number is “Wig.”

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Didn’t we just see an episode of RHOA?  This episode is basically about everyone doing something they don’t want to be doing.  Phaedra doesn’t want her baby, Kim doesn’t want Big Papa or to take singing lessons, NeNe doesn’t want to be married to Greg, Kandi doesn’t want to work with Kim, Sheree doesn’t want to be dating Dr. Flava Flaaaav, and Cynthia doesn’t want to be planning a wedding.  Everyone wins.  Here’s what else went down on The Real Housewives of Atlanta:

  • When I walk into the room, IOTA!
  • So this really is going to be 1 hr 15 minutes long?  Unless it’s 1 hr 10 minutes of Phaedra showing disgusted emotions over her newborn, I’m hardly interested.  Fine, I’ll watch.
  • We kick things off with Kandi Koated Niiiiiights (you have to say it in the horrible way they scream it into the camera like they’re standing outside of TRL circa 1999).
  • I like when they all talk about sex and by “like” I, of course, mean “slap myself in the balls until one eye shuts.”
  • This time around we learn what “freak number” each “lady” is.  Sheree is willing to try some new things in the bedroom like quite possibly getting peed on.  Kim, who doesn’t think that she’s that freaky, admits to taking it up the pooper like she matter-of-factly agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner next year.  “Yeah, that’s fine.”
  • Just when my stomach puke virus started to subside, enter Mr Luscious.  He may be a pimp stripper and I’m pretty sure he tried to gang-rape the ladies and started with Sheree.  Mr Luscious then started to take his “sock” off and the ladies claim that he get pulling it off and off and off.  Funny, that’s what I assume it’s like when Kim takes off her fright wig.
  • Moving on.  I guess they’re still going forward with that whole “Cynthia is still getting married” storyline.  She brings her husband and fauxlebrity stylist with her to the wedding planner so that they can put together a complete sh*t-dump of a wedding day.  I couldn’t care less.  All I know is that they talked about a chocolate wedding dress with silver in it and mixing antique with modern.  I’m not quite sure what any of that means, but all I know is that I’m now craving Peeps.
  • Next up, NeNe’s friend brings her to the divorce attorney (camera crew behind them) so that NeNe can check out her divorce options from Greg and she really wants to keep it quiet and private.  Therefore, it makes sense that the boom mic operator is hovering over NeNe’s head along with the producer, camera man, and assistants.
  • As if things couldn’t get stranger, Kim and her wig are driving her daughter, Skecky Zolciak, to the jeweler so that she can purchase a diamond “abstinence ring.”  Oh, and she’s 13.  Oh, and Shecky and Kim are fighting over the age when Shecky can officially have sex.  Will it be 18?  Will it be 19?  Will it be 20?  My guess?  14.  Actually, scratch that.  She probably already did the deed with Lil Papa.  Anyway, she gets a $3000 diamond ring to let the boys know she isn’t a tease.  I remember when I was 13 and I got a pair of Skidz.  Same, same.
  • Kandi and her producing crew are trying to redo Kim’s song and they end up dumbing it down so that Kim is able to sing it.  Basically they need Kim to just be able to belch and, well, that’s the song.  Done and done.
  • If Kandi was smart she’d drop Kim, pick up NeNe and go nose to nose (pun intended, but afterward) with Kim.  Also, why in the holy hell do I care?  I hate me.  Don’t worry, I hate you too.
  • Every time Kandi sings the song and ends it with the line “you’re nuts” I interpret it as “your nuts.”  I may end all my emails with that.  Your Nuts, Patrick.
  • Yay!  Unfit mother, Phaedra, is finally in this episode!  So not only does Phae Phae let the world know that she is “chained to this baby” but she also says, “Meh, we’ll see how this turns out.”  I’m sorry, are you test driving this kid?
  • Phae Phae and Apollo 13 (see what I did there?) basically leave the baby in the car so that Apollo can lift Phaedra’s fat ass up the flight of stairs because she can barely walk.  I would have punched her in the c-section incision scar and then called the police on myself.
  • Once in the house, her new son, is dressed in an outfit that I’m pretty sure is that knitted thing that goes over the extra roll of toilet paper at Nana’s house.  However, we find out that it’s made by a woman who knits things for Oprah.  For Oprah?  Oprah doesn’t have any kids.  She has dogs.  Is Phaedra’s son wearing dog clothes?  I mean, I’m fine with it either way…I’m just putting it out there.
  • Oh, and we learn that his name is Ayden Adonis.  Most important, however, is that we learn that Phae Phae thinks the only reward, so far, of having the baby is looking at it because, “you know, he don’t do anything.”  When this kid grows up and has a ton of self esteem issues I hope someone rewinds this season for him.
  • Know what I love?  I love when Kim smokes cigarettes out of the side of her mouth.  It’s great.  She smokes out the side of her mouth like she’s the Tin-Man asking for the “oil can, oil. can!”  and she squints her eyes shut like she’s trying to Shasta McNasty right through her pants.  Someone put that on a loop for me.
  • Also, Kim is actually the color orange in this episode.  Like, she’s Snooki.  That’s all.
  • It’s great how Kim’s parents are in most of the episodes.  Janice and Guy Smiley are two of my new favorites.  Guy Smiley is loving “Tardy for the Party” and I’m pretty sure he bangs Janice to the beat of that song every morning.  Janice may or may not be awake during “the sex” or “these scenes.”
  • Kandi and her mom come on by Kim’s parents house for dinner (awkward) and this is where we get to listen to Greg on the “Internet Radio” (does that exist?) talk about the divorce situation with NeNe and then claiming that he paid $300,000 to get NeNe into “socialite status” and a celebrity around Atlanta.  Here’s the thing.  I kind of believe that.  I totally believe that when Real Housewives was casting for Atlanta, they probably spent a ton of money to make themselves seem like they had more than they did.  Wasn’t the first house that NeNe filmed in just a rental for the show?  And, if I remember correctly, wasn’t that house basically empty?  I think he’s just pissed that their plan basically “worked” and now NeNe is ready to jump ship.  Discuss.
  • Here’s the other thing.  Everyone is claiming that Greg didn’t know he was being taped for the “Internet Radio” when he was talking to that guy over the phone?  Really?  It sounded like an awkward interview to me.  Who talks on the phone like that?
  • Meanwhile Sheree and Lawrence are at the gym working out. Does Lawrence have breasts?  I don’t care either way, but does he take those pills that make you spout knockers?  Anyway, that’s that.
  • Later, Kandi is letting Kim listen to the new version of the song “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing.”  It does sound a lot better, but how come Kim hasn’t recorded it?  Maybe she’s giving it to Shecky Zolciak?  Once again, Kandi doesn’t think that Kim is showing her that she is ready to make another song, but Kim sticks to her old stand-by by saying, “I really want this.”  You know what?  I really want Nell Carter to be alive again but, guess what, it’s probably not going to happen.  I say “probably” because I am, indeed, working on it.
  • In the most awkward break-up ever…Sheree and Dr. Flava Flaaaav (boyeeeeeee) have a little lunch to talk about how he isn’t a doctor and how Sheree may or may not be a woman.  This dude is creeptastic.  At one point he calls out Sheree on calling him at his house and not calling his son “baby” when she called the house.  I’m confused.  In the end he is willing to show his “transcripts” as long as Sheree can prove she’s a woman.  Sheree can’t and so he won’t show her his “transcripts” from Mickey Mouse U.  I believe they end the relationship with a fist-bump and the peace sign.  Awesome.
  • Meanwhile, it’s NeNe’s first day of work.  She can barely fit in her cube.  I love it.  When doing some “research” for her job she pulls up a story about herself.  This is great.  This is turning into The Hills when LC used to “work” at Teen Vogue.  Me gusta.  Anyway, BAM, NeNe reads the story about Greg and his “Internet Radio” interview.  Somehow the on-air reporter tells NeNe that she can get fired over this?  Um.  Huh?  If NeNe gets fired I’m going to start chanting either “Free Mr Clark” or “Donna Martin Graduates.”  Either one.  I haven’t decided.
  • In the end, NeNe awkwardly confronts Greg over the “Internet Radio” interview.  I’m actually surprised they let the camera sroll because it seemed pretty real.
  • NeNe cries and screams, “You have done me WRONG as your wife.  I have NEVER done you WRONG.  E-V-E-R!”  You know you can hear her saying it just by the way I typed it.  You’re welcome.
  • Greg claims that he was just mad and venting after he and NeNe had a fight.  He’s creepy.  A diddler, possibly.  Anyway, NeNe is so upset that her eyelashes basically fall off.  Well, technically she pulls them off.  But still.  They end the fight by saying that don’t know who each other are.  Um, it’s NeNe and Greg.  They don’t know that?

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