So you know how you go to a wedding and there’s always that one unmarried middle-aged distant relative there who’s sitting at the “table of randoms” and she tries to pretend she’s not bitter at all so she spends the first half of the reception drinking Cosmo’s and checking her face in the mirror every 15 seconds? Every 30 seconds she’s checking her phone, but sadly, there are no calls. She’s really quiet at first and you wouldn’t even know she was there until all of a sudden you notice her grinding on the dance floor with the father of the bride while everyone looks on an points and whispers. Then it happens. “Dancing Queen” comes on and she pushes everyone out of the way in order to form a circle around her and she sings/screams into her drink whilst dancing over-sexual and spilling her Cosmo all down the side of her leg. She mistakes the whispers for “cheering” and the frowns for “smiles.” So she just keeps at it, slurring her way through the entire song. Yeah, well that was the Kim Zolciak performance for me.
Kim kicks things off with a kiss towards the camera and then she struts up onto the stage with two In Living Color “Fly Girls” following her with balloons because, get it, it’s a party. Balloons = party. Yup, we got it. Reminiscent of Britney Spears “singing” Gimme Me during the MTV Music Awards, Kim does “sexy dance moves” with the microphone stand and at one point she even walks across the stage, looking back at the “Fly Girls” and says “Come on bitches.” This, I’m almost certain, is the only time we actually hear Kim’s real voice during the performance and it sounds like kittens being sprayed with gasoline, choked, raped, and set on fire.
Perhaps my favorite part is when Kim sings, “And I am not leaving ’til I see daylight.” It’s the “I see daylight” that is brilliant because I was never aware, until now, that Kim had a Jamaican accent. I’m also excited when Kim takes the mic off the stand and sings “Don’t be tardy for the party” because she does the “no no” hand gesture that lets us, the viewers, know that Kim does not, in fact, want us to be tardy for the party. And we won’t, Kim. And we won’t.