So you know me, from time to time I stray a little away from the celebrity gossip and just basically go on a rant. Well here we are again.
Dear Dunkin Donuts,
Look, I like your coffee, I really do. I even like some of your donuts. I’ve been known to have a sausage, egg, and cheese on a plain bagel from time to time too, but listen I’m a little pissed off at you right now. I don’t really care that you’re using John Goodman’s voice on your commercials now, even though I don’t need to hear a fat ass tell me how good your coffee/food is. I don’t need to feel fat when I sit my ass in the drive through thinking, “Hey if it’s good enough for John Goodman, it’s good enough for me.” But anyway, I digress.
So, here’s my issue with you DD. A little while back you started displaying signs specifying which donuts you had that may contain peanuts. Nice job. Then you got really lazy. Now as soon as I walk into a Dunkin Donuts there are signs on the door, on the wall, and on the register that state that “all products may contain peanuts.” Now hold the hell on. “All products?” You totally can’t do that. There are people out there that are deathly allergic to peanuts. Do they need to scrap everything on the menu? I cry “bull-shit.” That’s like me going up to the register, placing my order, and then telling the Dunkin Donuts worker that my wallet “may contain money.” Any chance you think they would let that fly?
You know what? I’m taking that “may” attitude with me everywhere in life now. At work, I’ll tell my boss that I “may perform my job today,” and I’m telling the IRS that this envelope “may contain my check.” While I help the blind person across the street I’ll let them know that they “may be heading towards the highway.” I’ll swing by the nursing home and let the elderly patients know that their tanks “may contain oxygen.”
See what I mean Dunkin Donuts? I know what you’re trying to do, but you can’t cover your ass that much. Either something has peanuts in it or it doesn’t. I know, I know you all use the same machines. Guess what? Use a different machine, stupid. It’s not like there are 10 people in the world who are allergic to peanuts….there are thousands and thousands. Clearly there are enough for you to plaster your store with signs. Smarten up. Oh, and I “may be in tomorrow for my coffee.”