Paris Hilton Does Larry King: Snicker

Did you know that Paris Hilton went to prison? Did you know she was released? Do you know she then went back? Do you know she was just released yesterday? Do you know that she was on Larry King? Me either! I really tossed and turned about writing a recap of the Paris Hilton/Larry King interview but then I thought to myself, “You know what makes boring things more fun? Drinking!” So I’ve cracked open a few Corona’s (minus the lime…no need to be healthy) and figured I would experience this the same way I experienced the last season of American Idol or any of the seasons of The Hills….with absolute humiliation and embarrassment. Here’s my thoughts on how the interview, and Paris, went down:

  • I’m proven wrong in the first 4 seconds. Larry King is actually alive.
  • What happened to Paris’ voice? Why isn’t it high-pitched and skanky?
  • Where did Larry find a metallic purple shirt?
  • Why is Paris’ head only titled to the left…is she tired?
  • Paris hated the food. For lunch she had bologna (she should be used to that). Dinner was “mystery meat.” Again, she should be used to it.
  • Corona is good. I wish I had a lime.
  • Paris sat in bed and read her fan mail and cried. I’m crying watching this interview, but for different reasons.
  • Paris had nightmares at night that someone would come into her cell at night and hurt her. Uh, who’s all up on themselves?
  • What was Paris’ illness while in jail? Panic/Anxiety attacks, claustrophobia, and not eating or sleeping. Hmmm, sounds crazy to me.
  • Paris also cured herself of the claustrophobia by doing meditation and thinking she was in a “special place.” Screw modern medicine, just think of a “special place.”
  • Paris was a tricky little minx. She went to the MTV movie awards so that she could sneak out and turn herself in without the paparazzi knowing. Did she punk MTV AND the paparazzi?
  • Paris is also cut out a bunch of friends since she’s been out of prison. Wow, the rats are the first to jump ship. Wait are they? What’s the saying again? Hold on, Paris is reading some letters right now and I need to get another beer.
  • Since prison, Paris is trying to change her voice because when she gets nervous her voice goes really high. That explains it.
  • By the way, I was officially over this interview after the first 3 minutes. Now it just feels like I’m doing homework.
  • Paris has ADD, she admitted. Although Larry called it ADT. I think he’s in the process of having a stoke.
  • She says Britney is sweet and Nicole Richie is like her sister. Boring. She wishes Lindsay the best and says a lot of girls have problems. You know what a real problem is, Paris? Not having a lime for my Corona. That’s a problem.
  • I’ll never get this hour of my life back. Ever. Well, I’m almost done with my time machine, so we’ll see.
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