That’s right folks, it’s time to take another trip down the Oregon Trail and this time we’re enjoying our journey with the cast of Jersey Shore. I miss them, you miss them, and this is the only way I’m able to get through the downtime in between season 1 and season 2. So grab your oxen, your box (giggity) of bullets, and a few axle because JWoww ShamWow, Grandpa Situation, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta, Snooki (and her “freakin’ poof”), Sammi SweatStains, Vinny, and Ronnie are heading out west…on the Oregon Trail. Enjoy the trail, with journey narration by yours truly, IBBB. Yeeee Haw!
~ Well it’s a warm day in May and we’ve been in this covered wagon for about 20 minutes. All was going well, that is, until the humidity mixed with 27 cans of AquaNet and 54 bottles of Drakkar Noir caused a major fire. We should be grateful, however, that this wagon is cramped because the height of Snooki’s poof blocked the flames from hitting Grandpa Sitch, JWoww ShamWow, and Sammi SweatStains in the face. The bad news is that we lost 3 tongues, but JWoww promised to let us use hers as much as we needed. Seems safe.
~ It was time to cross the river and we only lost 1 day due to a stick in the mud (aka Sammi SweatStains). You know what, though? She is the sweetest bitch I’ve ever met. We’re all playing “Fist Pumps, Gel Tubes, Clippers” (similar to Rock, Paper, Scissors) to see who’s going to help pull Sammi out of the water. Her Fred Flintstone toe acting like an anchor right now, so we just may leave her.
~ Finally! We have some good news! While Grandpa Situation was trying to find some creatures to bang in the wilderness, he found an abandon wagon. At first we thought we could use it for tanning, but soon realized that it was stocked with some sick supplies that we needed. We found a couple of Ed Hardy Hats and T-Shirts and while we have say for political reasons that we found “bullets” we really found a grenade. Aww, I’m missing the old grenade already!
~ Crickets, crickets, crickets. Geesh, I guess I figured out what finally kept this crew of D-bags quiet. It’s a little something called a “thunderstorm.” They can’t tan and they’re all afraid of getting their hair wet, so they’ve just slept inside the entire day. It’s no surprise that all the girls fart in their sleep. Oddly enough, when Snooki farts her poof giggles. I’m starting to like it here.
~ Ed Hardy came out of the blue and went right back into it. In the middle of the night a thief came and stole our Ed Hardy Hats and Ed Hardy T-Shirts. Ronnie quickly jumped out of the wagon, thinking he was on the Boardwalk again, and started charging at the thief and slurring, “Come at me, bro. Come at me!” The thief didn’t say much, but we’re pretty sure it was actually Angelina (the “Kim Kardashian” of the Oregon Trail) because “the thief” put all of our stuff in large trash bags and then left. As a side note, how awesome is it actually says, “Press return to size up the situation.” Brilliant.
~ Ronnie has these bumps all over his body. Well, it’s mainly his privates. However, we just told him it was the “Measles” but if it’s one thing that Sammi SweatStains can identify it’s red bumps and, well, we can all guess what Ronnie is dealing with. As always Sammi is making this about herself and is currently “traumatized.” Hopefully since it’s only 1848 you can actually die from being traumatized. Fingers crossed.
~ Not to be outdone by Ronnie, Grandpa Situation is claiming he has a fever. Personally I think it’s just a cover-up for the burn he got in the tanning bed (that we found in the woods). Either way, I told Grandpa Sitch that the only thing that can cure his fever is more cowbell. He, of course, didn’t get it. As I explained it was on SNL, it further stumped them as they thought “SNL” stood for “Snooki Needs Love” which, ironically enough, she does.
~ We’re running pretty low on food. Who knew this troop could eat so much carcass? I mean I knew JWoww and Snooki wore carcass on their heads, but wasn’t in the know that they would actually eat it. Anywax, we all nominated Snooki to go out and hunt us down some food. She killed us 1 deer, 1 can of AquaNet, and two pickles. She ate all of it and used the entire can before she got back to the wagon. Also, similar to an actual episode of Jersey Shore, Vinny is nowhere to be seen.
~ Well this is a little awkward. Ronnie died, you guys. It was either the measles that finally got to him or “karma.” Regardless, it’s still rumored on the trail to this day that if you’re quiet enough at night you can actually hear Ronnie whispering to God (as he passed on) “Come at me, bro” and you know what? God did. God came at him, bro. God also took Ronnie out of the equation. God has a real good sense of humor, especially on “the trail.”
~ Where in the hell were they storing that hot tub in this wagon? JWoww ShamWow’s rack must have blocked my view of it. Poor Sitch. He has dysentery. We’re all pretty certain that he caught dysentery from the hot tub, although we all had a good laugh as Snooki thought we said “The Situation is on Dynasty.” Oh Snooki. She’s so legally dead in 48 states.
~ Sickness is going in an out of this wagon like JWoww at “da club” on a Saturday night. DJ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta has typhoid. Figures. We don’t know how she heard about it as there are no such thing as phones or email here on “the trail” but Danielle the Israeli Stalker caught wind of Pauly D being sick and she met up with us. She was even nice enough to make Pauly D a snow-globe that says, “I Love Jewish Girls.” She is relentless.
~ Waaaaah! After weeks of trying to figure out the duck phone, Snooki has finally become exhausted. She picks it up, says hello, and puts it down. She’s repeated that process for the past 15 hours. We’re trying to keep her awake by placing pickles under her nose as we heard they act as “smelling salts” to Snooki. The don’t. She just sucks them in her sleep….as similarly does JWoww.
~ Well. He tried to beat the beat and he lost. Pauly D is dead. Just when he was getting over his typhoid, he pushed it too far and hopped in the tanning bed for 45 minutes and, well, he burnt to a crisp. Danielle the Israeli Stalker immediately had the oxen run over her. Well, we kind of gave that her idea, but she went with it. We’re going to keep Pauly D in that tanning bed and years from now he will be known as a pioneer in the tanning industry.
~ Low on food again, Snooki grabbed her rifle and headed out to the woods to do a little hunting. Similar to the Jersey Shore, she was in the middle of a buffalo stampede and while thinking it was a hippo that was charging her, her rifle went off and she accidentally shot Vinny and Sammi SweatStains.
~ Boring day and now we broke our wagon tongue. No one knows what that means, so we’re just sitting here. JWoww is bedazzling her jeans and gluing white skunk stripes into her hair.
~ Snooki either said has cholera or chola eyebrows. It’s hard to understand her when she has a pickle in her mouth.
~ She’s not even safe out here on the Oregon Trail. Snooki ran into Brad Ferro who, in 1848, is actually just a head placed on top of a box of Summer’s Eve Douche. One thing led to another and he punched Snooki and broke her arm. Grandpa Situation is ducked down behind the oxen pretending he never saw this.
~ While we were trying to trade some crap for our newly broken axle, Grandpa Situation died. Ironically enough when this happened his abs jumped off of his dead body and began looking for hot young Indian girls in the woods to hook up with. Lucky for us, though, we ended up trading Grandpa’s carcass for that axle we needed. Funny how things work out.
~ Now this one really hurts me. Snooki has died. Snooki is dead. Snooki passed away. Why? Why????? Why do bad things always happen to abnormally short people!? Why God?! Why?!?! It was actually beautiful though when she passed, as her “freakin’ poof” ascended into Heaven. R.I.P Snooki. Waaaah.
~ We’re down to just one person left in this wagon. JWoww. She traded all that we had left for packages of ham. And now she has typhoid….just like DJ Pauly had. Hmmm, interesting….yet not so. It’s amazing how when push comes to shove JWoww ShamWow really has nothing to say. Hopefully the typhoid takes over her body soon.
~ Wow. That was fast. JWoww died. I’m not an animal so I made sure to bury her with her favorite yellow shirt that she wore in almost every episode of Jersey Shore. What was odd, was that her yellow top was actually on underneath her other shirt. It also had ring around the collar, but that’s another story. Goodbye JWoww. Or, as JWoww would say right after she would punch Sitch in the face, “Good night!”
Well, folks, that ends another trip down the Oregon Trail. I also take comfort in knowing how the entire cast would die and, well, it’s exactly how I imagined it.