Teen Mom 2 hits up the Oregon Trail, as narrated by Barb Evans…
~ So I says to my live-in toothdicapped boyfriend Mike, I says, “Mike, like I gotta get outta Walmart for a few days and go somewheres tropical like the Oregon Trail.” So I bought some oxen, tossed Jace under the wagon, and invited some of my favorite Teen Mom 2 friends to join me. Of course, I’m the commandaah of this wagon, but also wit me is Chelsea, Kailyn’s mutha Suzi and her fantastic hair, the Puffy Leather Couch that all “the poors” have and, of course, my little b*tch of a daughtah, Jenelle. Well heeeah goes nothin’. Note to self: Snow appears to be in our near future.
~ Just as I suspected, we’ve lost a couple of days due to a blizzaaaahd that seems to have appeared out of nowhere. Luckily, Chelsea packed her portable tanning booth as she likes to be as tan as she can be whilst it’s still technically wintaah. She looks natural. I keep yelling at Chelsea, “Honey yaw actchalee awwringe.” She has no idea what I’m sayin’ but luckily Jenelle is able to translate that I’m technically saying, “Honey, you’re actually orange.” At least Jenelle is good for somethin’ beside, you know, spreadin’. What? I’m still mad.
~ Oh Lawdy just when I thought I couldn’t be faaaah enough away from Kieffah, he appeaaahs out of the blue (like my prized blue shirt). We’re delayed again by a day because Jenelle and Kieffah decide to go and paaahty their asses off by the river where they’re feasting on ice cream and looking for alligators in the rivaaah. I know I’m her muthaaah, but I kinda hope that alligator bites Jenelle’s snatch off and maybe even Kieffah’s ding-a-ling. I’m only kiddin’ about Kieffah. I mean, I am still a woman after all. I have needs. Is it gettin’ hot in heeeaah?
~ I sweaaah to Gawd, that Suzi is one hot ticket. So get this, we have like no wataah and Suzi says she don’t care cuz she’s only drinking Martini’s and swallowin’ pills for the rest of the trip. Hot damn! What a hoot! Things did get a little awkward though when I asked her about Kailyn and she just shouted, “Oh sh*t is she here?” and then she Bugs Bunny’d right out the side of the wagon.
~ Poor Puffy. Looks like he came down with a case of the measles. You know, I’m always shocked that Jenelle and her sistaaah nevaah got the measles, you know, cuz I never gave them their shots when they were little. I figured if they’re too young to know about Christmas and I’m not going to get them any presents they probably don’t know about diseases either so I just skipped all shots. Well, not all shots. I usually finish my night off with 6 lemon drops. Note to self: Why do I want to stab that puffy leather couch with a sharp knife?
~ Son-of-a-b*tch! Some damn thief came in the middle of the night and stole 5 sets of clothes and they were all mine! Well little did the thief know that I literally have a closet filled with blue shirts like I’m friggin Marge Simpson. Now I didn’t get a close enough look at the bastard because, you know, I’m legally blind in 42 states but I sweeaah I’m pretty sure it was Kieffah look for Marijuana cigarettes or somethin’. Too bad he didn’t spend the same amount of time lookin’ for a job.
~ Ugh. What a sad day around this wagon. The Puffy Leather Couch has died. And I have absolutely no idea why…but I’m gonna need that knife back…so I can go huntin’ for food.
~ Somehow I get voted to go and hunt for some food. I gotta do everythin’ around heeeah. So I ended up shooting some wolves with crunchy curly hair and, well, that’s what we’re gonna eat. I miss Leah.
~ This day couldn’t get any worse. I busted Jenelle and Kieffah smokin’ weeeeeeed in front of my wagon. The thing actually caught on fiiiaaah, but that didn’t stop Kieffah from sparkin’ up a doobie.
~ Gawd damn it Jenelle, I need you to parent this child! Instead of cryin’ over “inadequate grass” why don’t you go and push Jace on his Spiderman bike that you bought him for his birthday? See? I told ya he would rather a silver cup. I mean, you treat this baby like it’s a dog that you can just leave on the couch and go out paaahtyin’.
~ Chelsea caught measles. I have no idea how or how long she’s had it for. We all just thought she was bringin’ the leopard print to a whole new level. I bettah not die from this sh*t cuz I gotta get back to Walmart by next week. I mean the customaaahs aren’t gonna greet themselves!
~ Great, now Suzi has typhoid. I figured all the pills and booze wouldaah killed all the disease but I guess not. Note to self: It’s amazin’ how much yaw boobs sweat in the summer heat. This is nothin’ like my summah’s in Boston as a little Barb frolicin’ through the sprinklaaah on the front lawn.
~ We came across an abandoned wagon…well technically it wasn’t abandon. Leah and Corey were living in it. Yeah I went there. Suck it.
~ So Suzi died today. We’re not sure if it’s because of that pesky typhoid from the other day or from the inadequate grass. Honestly, we don’t very much care to figure it out because this b*tch was crazy. I’m not talkin’ like “wears her underwear outside her pants” crazy I’m talking like “darting out of the wagon in the middle of the night, rolling in the grass, while howling at the moon” crazy.
~ So Jenelle claaaaaaims she had typhoid, but I think it’s just friggin’ hickeys all ovaaah her frickin’ neck and it’s disgustin’. What a real trash box. I can’t believe I didn’t just blow that guy in the dumpster, but ended up going all the way and gettin’ knocked up 18 yeeaaahs ago.
~ We’ re low on food again so I tried to go huntin’ but couldn’t hit anything so Chelsea died. She may have killed herself. I may have killed her. It’s all a little foggy. All I know is that we’re more than likely gonna cut up Chelsea tonight have some crispy meat, if ya know what I mean. I’ll tell Jenelle it’s orange chicken. She’s so friggin hiiiiiigh she won’t know the difference anyway.
~ Wow! I hit the muthaaah load! I shot 66 pounds of Crunch Hair in the woods. Somewhere in West Vagina, Leah and her muthaaah may or may not be bald right now. Crunchy Hair and Crispy Skins! We’re gonna be eatin’ like kings tonight!
~ I hope she stays lost.
~ Jenelle died today. She is like the worst piece of sh*t mottthaaa evaaah! I bet she she did this to get away from me, just like my first husband did. Fool me once…shame on…me…fool you…twice…shame on……oh I can’t remeembaaah!
~ Things have been quiet around the wagon since everyone died. I even managed to take the wrong trail and get myself lost. Lawdy Hallelujah the typhoid is starting to set in. Well it isn’t so much typhoid as it is Kieffah’s love juices. Apparently I did care about Kieffah after all. I scalped Jenelle, put on her hair, and told Kieffah that I was ready to make a real man outta him. Typhoid makes you wicked horny!
~ Well son-of-a-b*tch.
Get Social: Join Me on Facebook and Twitter!