Newport Harbor Recap Palooza

What a treat. Newport Harbor. Or as I like to call it “Laguna Beach 4: Return to The Hills Season’s 1-3.” Let’s see how this episode crashed and burned. Here’s what went down and my thoughts:
  • Wow same theme song. Really? Instead of using the Hilary Duff song I would have opted for “Smack My Bitch Up.” Actually, I would have written my own song and titled it something like, “You Rich Bitches Are Going to Burn in Hell One Day.”
  • Is Chrissy hot? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. What is hot is when Chrissy and her friend are playing tennis and making sex sounds every time they hit the ball. Good for her.
  • Allie. Hahaha awesome. Is her hair actually white? What’s up with her troll-like friend. No offense but if I knew I was going to be on TV I would be in the best shape of my life. She could have at least tossed a finger or two down her throat to drop a few lbs.
  • Grant? He’s definitely Steve Sanders, but since we already have a Steve Sanders (Spencer from The Hills) we will have to now nickname Grant, Steve Sanders Jr. Please apply this name to your daily life.
  • Steve Sanders Jr is clearly staring at Allie’s boobs. Nice work my friend, nice work.
  • Why are these people all acting like they haven’t either met before or haven’t seen each other in 10 years while they’re at the restaurant? You know what that means!!! This is officially my favorite “First Scripted Moment of Newport Harbor Season One.” I hope to experience many more of these moments.
  • Why is Chrissy’s dad all freaking out about a curfew? What does he think is going to happen to her? Not only is she surrounded by friends, but an ENTIRE camera crew too. What does he think is going to happen. Maybe one of the 15 production guys filming his daughter 24 hours a day and walk her home?
  • Woo hoo the whole gang is going to Palm Springs for the weekend.
  • Now let me ask this. Will there be any dialogue taking place or will it just be music playing and awkward eye movements and other facial expressions?
  • Is Chrissy’s dad the new Joe Simpson? He calls her all the time. Nothing says, “I’m going to end up forcing my daughter into a life of stripping and/or porn” quite like not giving her any freedom.
  • Overall I was majorly confused by this episode. Was there a point to it? And who the hell are all these people. And more importantly where is Cami and Jessica? This sucks.
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