Newport Harbor: “Chrissy the Virgin”

Surprisingly they haven’t pulled the plug on Newport Harbor…er…I’m sorry I meant “Douche-Bag Creek.” On this very special crapisode of Douche Bag Creek, Chrissy alerts the world and lets them know that her “gentlemen greeter” has yet to “greet any gentlemen.” Did she at least shake a gentleman’s hand or anything? To crack my 10 year old joke, Chrissy is a big virgin. Way to be a role model to all the whores out there. Here’s how this episode, The “V” Word, went down:

  • Clay and Steve Sanders Jr are on the beach in jeans and what I can only assume are Nicole Richie’s sunglasses.
  • Chrissy is all nervous because she’s a virgin and tells Sasha that she’s proud of herself for remaining virgin alllllll throughout high school. Wow, what an accomplishment. You weren’t a 2 dollar whore in high school. Move other Mother Theresa, we have a new saint in line! Chrissy, do you at least let boys touch your boobies? It’s one thing being a virgin, it’s another thing being a tease.
  • As a side note, my prediction is that Chrissy will be slutting it up like it’s her last day on earth once she enters college. Good luck with your 2.0 GPA and morning after pill. Cheers!
  • Now are Allie and Samantha considered legally retarded? They have a legit conversation on whether or not Italy is a country. They settle on the fact that Italy is a state, just like a state here in the good old USA. Good job girls! Thank God your parents have money.
  • Taylor and Chase talk on the pier about how he dicked her over at the Prom. I couldn’t care less about this, but it makes me really miss the old Laguna Beach with Kirstin and Steven. Granted they, too, were douche bags but it was may more entertaining. I also miss Cami very badly. I miss you Cami. I love you. Come back to TV. Come back.
  • Back to Samantha and Allie. These two are now trying to figure out what French food is like and Allie seems to think that French food is “animals.” Mmmm sounds appetizing. French restaurants must be great. You open the menu and it just says “animals.” They then try to figure out what caviar is called, but not before calling it “caaaaar.” Sound it out stupid. You better hope you get pregnant SOON by some rich guy. Immediately get your kid a tutor, stat.
  • Chrissy goes shopping for underwear for her big date. You know what Chrissy, if you aren’t going to give up the goods, don’t even bother trying to dress up your “gentlemen greeter.” It’s kind of like putting a plastic bag over a Christmas Tree. It’s pointless…and dangerous. It could catch fire.
  • You know what, good for Chrissy being comfortable saying she’s virgin over and over and over and over and over again, but it’s actually making me a little uncomfortable. Whatever happened to the days of being embarrassed and ashamed over that? She should at least lie about it and tell people she lost her virgintity from her dad or something.
  • Chase and Taylor are back together. Who gives an F? Apparently not Chrissy since she technically doesn’t give an F.
  • Allie fights with her parents about her trip to France. She says she’s an adult and should be treated like one. Oh, and her dad paid for her entire trip. Yup, that’s an adult. It is very supportive when Allie’s dad says she’s only 17 and doesn’t even have a clue. You ever wonder why your daughter is on the therapy couch? Yeah, statements like that.
  • Chrissy the big V and Clay are on their date in the hot tub and she tells him that she’s a virgin. So now he knows, I know, and the other 14 people who watch this show. Clay says, “good job!” Yeah, she didn’t kick a field goal. Fine, good job on not being a slut.

Newport Harbor: “Chrissy the Virgin”
Newport Harbor Recap

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