Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation

Alright alright, it’s graduation day for the troops of Douche Bag Creek. It seems like just yesterday I was trying to figure out who was who and, while I still don’t really know, the season is almost over. Here’s how this episode, “You are Not Replaceable,” went down:

• How the hell rich is Chrissy’s family? Her house it like a resort. Why would she leave there to go to college and live in a 2×4 concrete dorm room?
• It’s officially, Samantha is retarded. Listening to her try to tell her friends the “saying” that her dad always says is painful. I mean, not because she really doesn’t know, but because you know the producers cast her as the “retarded Heidi” character who seems to say stupid things in every episode. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. Really? Don’t bees make honey? I’m confused. Thank God there is only one crapisode left.
• What’s wrong with Steve Sanders Jr’s voice? Why does he talk like that? Does a voice like that eventually go away? Like, when it’s time to interview for a job and stuff does his voice stay like that?
• Allie is still fighting with her dad about her busted trip to Europe. Again, why would she want to leave the mansion that she lives in? What’s her dad all nervous about? It’s not like it’s just her and her friends. It’s her, her friends, and the entire camera crew that follows them around.
• Clay takes Chrissy to “Joe’s Crab Shack.” Awesome. I’m not sure I’d take a girl to any place that has “Crabs” in it. That’s something she gets to figure out on her own 2 week later. Oh! Stop me if you heard this.
• Question and answer time: Clay is a year younger than Chrissy. Chrissy is graduating and going to college. Clay promises to visit her in college all the time. Isn’t this the same exact scenario as Laguna Beach’s Steven and Kristin? Steven was the one going to college and Kristin was going to visit all the time. Yeah, that worked out well.
• Chrissy and her dad play a nice round of golf, at her house, and chat about her 1:30 AM curfew. Her dad wants her to keep her curfew. It’s not like she’s out having sex. This we know. Again, if I were her I would never leave the mansion that I lived in. I’d actually want a curfew of like 8:00 PM. I’d just tell my friends, sorry I have a curfew, I need to go back to my mansion.
• AWESOME! Allie and Samantha are having the “Obligatory Laguna Beach Season 1, 2, and 3 Return to The Hills 1 and 2 Featuring the Cast of Douche Bag Creek” Beach Bonfire!
• Allie superficially tells Chase not to bring his douche-bag girlfriend, to which the producers must have specifically told Chase to bring his douche-bag girlfriend…so he does.
• The whole crew shows up at the bonfire and as time passes everyone starts acting a bit different. While I didn’t spot any of the famous “red keg cups” suspect the kids are drunk. Good for them. I’d drink all the live-long day if I had to shoot this crap all day too.
• This bonfire is very reminiscent of Jessica and “what’s his face” breaking up at the bonfire during Laguna Beach. Those were the days. I miss Cami.
• Great, now it’s time for the obligatory “show the spoiled brats getting their gifts right before graduation.” The best part of this is seeing the parents. A creepy one always sneaks in there.
• Well, this time is no different. Now, is Chase’s mom actually in porn? Just checking.
• Funny how Clay gives Chrissy a “lay” for graduation. Yes, I’m 10.
• Allie finally gets to her trip to Europe. Just another reason for the Europeans to hate us Americans
• Why do I care to see these baby pictures? There’s been like 4 episodes (luckily) of Douche Bag Creek. I barely like the grown up version of these people, why would I want to see their jacked up baby pictures?

Next week: Season Finale. No joke, I can barely do one more episode.

Newport Harbor: 2 Second Graduation
Newport Harbor Recap