A Very Newport Harbor Christmas

Ho ho holy crap Allie’s parents new house is completely insane. The entire episode of Douche Bag Creek should have just been about their house. I would have been fine with that. Anyway, it’s Christmas time for the kids of Douche Bag Creek and that can only mean one thing; let’s decorate the piss out of some boats that are in the creek! In this very special Christmas episode of Douche Bag Creek, here’s what went down:

  • Chrissy and Sasha are playing about 14 seconds of tennis, just officially enough time for Sasha to ask Chrissy about her and Clay 35 times. How come Sasha isn’t asking Chrissy about her newest love interest, Freshman 15?
  • So can Steve Sanders Jr (aka Grant) have one conversation without smiling? Also, nothing says “let’s have some male bonding on the boat” quite like chatting like school girls about his friends relationship status. Does Steve Sanders Jr know that his role in this mini season is to strictly ask questions to Clay about Chrissy?
  • And cue Allie’s parents new house. It’s actually more like a compound.
  • Seriously, this compound is completely insane. What in the hell does Allie’s parents do for a living? This, my friends, officially makes Allie hotter to me. The fact that her parents are this loaded and that one day I could inherit that house makes Allie kinda like a supermodel. See how that works?
  • As a sidenote, this is the most airtime that Allie and Samantha have had all mini-season. Typically they’re sitting down having coffee for 35 seconds. Bonus points though for Samantha continuing her war on dressing up for the camera and strictly wearing sweat pants.
  • Ahhh here we are. Allie and Samantha are sitting down and I think they’re trying to plan a party at Allie’s new compound. They’re using the word “like” a million times and they’re saying something about a 1920’s theme, gangsters, flappers, and scarves (??). They could have been discussing global warming though. There’s no way for me to decode.
  • Chrissy calls Brody Jr Jenner (aka Billy) to give him the big diss and blow of their plans for the weekend so that she can take care of some business at “the creek.” At least she had the decency to do this over the phone and not via email.
  • As Sasha is walking her dog with Chrissy I think of one thing: I can totally see her cameltoe. Thank you, Douche Bag Creek, for incorporating one of my favorite things into your show. It’s almost like you read IBBB and act accordingly.
  • What in the hell are these two talking about? I’m officially embarrassed. Chrissy and Sasha are talking about the big party at Allie’s house and how Clay will be there and they’re equating it to Cinderella (ella ella eh eh eh). Chrissy ends the retarded conversation by saying, “I hope the slipper fits.” Gross. I hope the bullets fit into the gun and you make some real decisions.
  • Now is Chrissy’s house really decorated for Christmas or did they just photoshop in some lights. Also, isn’t Chrissy Jewish? Not that one of her parents can’t be not Jewish or not that Jewish people can’t also celebrate Christmas, so please delete your hate mail. Just an observation.
  • Does Chrissy know that she’s wearing Cheri Johnson’s headband from Punky Brewster? Just checking.
  • Everyone is dressed as best as they can be for the 1920’s theme. One kid has a t-shirt on that says something about “Property of the Hong Kong” (??) whilst another character from the creek is wearing martini sunglasses because all this makes sense.
  • In a matter of minutes, Chrissy seems trashed (hot) and needs to talk with Clay. They drag that crap out for like 5 minutes and then she awkwardly goes up to Clay to say, “wanna talk” while he is talking with Taylor. It’s so awkward that Taylor actually laughs into her cup. Rewind it.
  • Can Chrissy breathe with that thing so tight around her head?
  • Wait, where did it go? She was just wearing it. Tricky editing!
  • Clay basically gives Chrissy the shaft. She sits on a bench by herself to reflect. Tough times in Douche Bag Creek.
  • Did anyone spot Allie’s dad in the background drinking out of a red keg cup? It’s like “Where’s Waldo” DBC edition. I hope he likes spending time in jail.
  • Steve Sanders Jr listens to the writers and producers advice and tells Clay to give Chrissy another shot. God bless us everyone.
  • Allie tells Sam that she got a job. She then says, “so much can change in a year.” A job. Crazy, huh? They’re making it seem like Allie has enrolled in the army and is shipping off to Iraq. Well, at least she’s working. Someone needs to pay for that house.
  • Kylie and Chase are at the beach and she basically makes him look like a douche for coming to Santa Barbara. I think she kinda breaks up with him. Hopefully he can get his deposit back on his new Santa Barbara apartment….and his dignity.
  • Chrissy heads down to Clay’s beach house so she can decorate the piss out his boat.
  • Oh God. Chrissy gives Clay a gift, which is a sweatshirt that says USC on it, as she is already transferring schools (similar to what Lauren did on Laguna Beach right before she got her own show, The Hills). What about her sorority? Well that was a waste.
  • Ok. So. Here is my FAVORITE scene of the entire mini-season. Did Chrissy just PLUG IN Clay’s boat from the dock? Yup, she did. She literally plugs in his boat and it is lit up with all Christmas lights. Meanwhile, the boat is about 50 feet from the dock. Does she have a 50 foot extension cord?
  • Clearly, Chrissy decorating his boat is enough for these two to get back together. They take spin around Douche Bag Creek and kiss under the mistletoe and end scene.
  • Well, they definitely set this episode up to have another season. Let’s see if they will rot our brains again someday.

4 episodes came and gone so quickly. I feel like I am a better human being for watching and by “better human being” I really mean “a worthless loser.” If there’s another season I will try to recap the crap out of it.

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A Very Newport Harbor Christmas

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