Oh “The Hills” where have you been for all these months? IBBB has been lonely without you. In a very special 1-hour season three opener we get to learn what really has been going on with Lauren and Heidi and the rest of the California Goonies over the past few months. Clearly this season of The Hills is sponsored by Red Bull as that is all the Lauren and Audrina drink in the majority of the scripted scenes. It was also pleasing to see the following “friends” get the “second chance upgrade.” I call it the “second chance upgrade” because at one point everyone hated these people or they were never invited out with everyone. The “second chance upgrade” winners this episode are: Jenn Bunney (for being BFF with Heidi), Whitney (for all of a sudden being in almost every scene with Lauren, Audrina (for now being BFF with Lauren after both her and Heidi didn’t really like her during the beginning of season 2), and Lo (friends again with Lauren as Lauren has no one else to talk to when the other girls aren’t around). Congratulations girls! You’re second best. So here’s how the rest of the episode went down:
- Clearly MTV doesn’t like Heidi either as everyone else gets way more airtime during the opening credits. No joke, Heidi gets no more than a 2 second shot. Finally MTV has done something right.
- Steve Sanders got his hair freshly bleached, permed, and blown out. Someone must have made some extra cash since season 2!
- Why does Heidi look like she’s a 45 year old single mother of 3 since her boob and nose job? Is that the look she was going for? I always knew Steve Sanders had a thing for Cindy Walsh.
- Seriously, how come where Audrina and Heidi work is always like a ghost-town? No one else ever works there except 1 or 2 people tops. If you look in the background the cubicles are always empty and the lights are always off. Is this just a set?
- Ok, it’s official, no one is allowed to use the word “housewarming party” anymore. It has been officially said 3,000 times this episode.
- Can I say that I love Lauren even more now that she’s become a slutty booze-hound? She’s totally that girl at the bar that drinks too much and then screams the same thing over and over again. Hot. The next day her voice is all raspy and she needs to suck down 3 Red Bull just to make it through the day.
- Jenn Bunney shows up at Heidi’s housewarming party from hell. Still no nose job. Tough break Bunney.
- By the way, since Whitney is no longer an intern and is now “the boss” of the interns they were nice enough to give her her own office. Ok, well it isn’t her own office but they did turn her desk around now so that it faces Lauren. That must make her feel good, no?
- What happened to Audrina’s upper lip? Did I just notice this? It seems to have disappeared. She’s very “Fire Marshal Bill” circa 1995.
- Are Heidi and Steve Sanders trying to send Lauren secret messages through the camera? I think so.
- Lauren and Audrina never showed up to the housewarming party so Heidi wrote them letters about it. This should be great. $10 bucks it’s written in crayon.
- Everyone goes to Le Deaux for some random kids b-day. Lauren is already trashed by the time the kid shows up (hot).
- Heidi shows up to the club/bar and hands Lauren the letter she wrote her. Who does that? That’s why this moment is officially my “1st Favorite Scripted Moment of The Hills Season Three Episode One.”
- As a side note I was looking for a drunken Lindsay Lohan in the background of Le Deaux. No luck.
- The girls read their letters while locked in the bathroom. Of course the words “housewarming party” were in the letter. Nice touch.
- Great, now a drunken Lauren and a sober Heidi have their fight. It’s basically the same fight that took place on the couch in season 2, but it now involved liquor, a rumor, and Le Deaux.
- I must say I’m upset that there was no Lisa Loveless in episode 1. It’s not the same without her.
- Steve Sanders painted a ghetto mural in the living room and tagged the wall with the word “Hollywood” and put dollar signs all over the place. Heidi is upset. This is officially my “2nd Favorite Scripted Moment of The Hills Season Three Episode 2.” Nice job trying to be “The Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica Simpson.”
- Audrina is getting back with her ex-boyfriend (Justin, who wants to be called Bobby…ok). When she shows up for her date, her ex-boyfriend is apparently Winona Ryder? Also, was he wearing a beret?
- Sweeeet! Lo is back again. It’s good to see she made the cut again. Luckily Lauren has no more friends left so someone had to be “cast” as her friend. Sneaky, yet brilliant, work MTV.
- Steve Sanders tells Brody that he wants Brody to be his best man when he asks Heidi (and her boobs) to marry him. He then is a stand up guy, yet again, and asks Brody to use his credit card to buy the bring.
- Sidenote, has Steve Sanders forehead grown?
- No joke, Steve Sanders and Brody go and buy Heidi’s engagement ring in about 2 minutes. The first ring the sales girl shows him he just buys. Scripted moment # 3? Not 100% sure, but am definitely leaning in that direction.
- Lauren heads back to Laguna Beach in which her mother tells her about the harsh reality of LA and losing all her friends, but not to stop trusting people. Thanks Mrs. Brady.
- Steve Sanders and Heidi go to Santa Barbara to which Steve asks Heidi to marry him. It was just the two of them on the beach. Oh, and the entire production team from MTV was there as well. I’m sure that’s just how Heidi has always dreamt her engagement. No really, I bet it is.
That’s it for this week. I’m officially 10% dumber.