Jersey Shore Reunion Recap: Tranades and, Well, Pretty Much Nothing Else

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So let’s recap the ever loving peep out of this Jersey Shore reunion. I have to admit, the reunions are typically the worst as the reactions from what other cast members say usually isn’t from what they really said. Make sense? Who cares. Also, the chick that hosts this show is pretty much Jaslene from America’s Next Top Model and, let’s face it, someone call INS, stat. Here’s what went down (I’m already over it):

  • First off, introductions.  Nice pit stains Ronnie.  Also, Vinny is spray-tanned within an inch of his life.
  • It’s nice to see Snooki still sporting LC’s mustache.  I’m glad that made it to the reunion.
  • Time to coin a new phrase.  Honestly, I can’t keep up with all their new lingo.  “The kids” and their phrases are too much for me.  This time around they’re talking about Grandpa Sitch trying to hook up with a Tranny (should I capitalize that?) and they called her a Tranade which is, of course, a “tranny grenade.”  You know what?  Let me see everyone SATs scores and I want to see them now.
  • A clip is being shown of Ronnie wearing a yellow dress and dancing.  Sam can’t get enough.  I friggin thought it was Rosie O’Donnell doing the butterfly.   I almost wish it was.
  • If you like “Cabs are heeeeahhh” apparently you’ll also like, “Hamburgers for the boys.”  I studied hard in school, got a good job, and you know where that left me?  Blogging about this crap.  How are these fools on “the television?”  I’m kidding they’re all awesome.  Especially Sammi SweatStains.  Let’s see that Fred Flintstone toe, wha-what!?
  • I’m kind of glad that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is shopping around his own reality show.  I’d watch it.  I feel like he’s in on the joke with us whereas the rest of them aren’t really in on the joke.  More importantly I am watching this with a mighty strong champagne buzz.  No really, this is an important night.  Plus, I learned that you become way more interesting simply by being drunk during week from Audrina’s mom being drunk after DWTS.  Jealous?
  • All the girls are dressed in clothes that looks like hypercolor neon police tape.  Fitting, yet not so.
  • Spoiler Alert:  Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains are still together.  This is basically because Ronnie is probably still on a roid and meth binge and Sammi gets her self esteem by dudes shatting all over her.  Whoa, this champagne is making me wicked intellectual.
  • They’re showing all the clips of Ronnie basically making Sammi look like a sweat-hog and Sammi responds to it all by saying “Like, not all relationships are perfect.”  You know what is perfect, Sammi?  Snooki’s tan.  That’s perfect.  You know what else is perfect?  The lines in Grandpa Situations hair.
  • This host is the worst.  It’s like they plucked her from the set of Xuxa and gave her this show.
  • I actually am interested to see what Sammi now says about the note now that she sees how Snooki and JWoww ShamWow really did try to help her out.  Apparently at some point Ronnie told Sammi that JWoww said she wanted to “have the sex” with him prior to shooting this season.  JWoww is a lady and claims she never ever said this to Ronnie and would “rather go to F Pauly D” before she tried to have sex with Ronnie.  The whole gang laughed at this.  Ah that JWoww.  Classic JWoww.  Brilliant JWoww.  Ham-filled watered down JWoww.
  • In the “Voice of Reason Moment” Grandpa Sitch tells Ronnie that he should be shaking his hand for even talking to Sammi and helping to make her feel better whilst Ronnie was out motorboating the American public.  As much as Sitch is the new Kate Gosselin, I have to agree with him.  At least he was trying to help her out.  I mean also I actually couldn’t give less of a sh*t than I do right now, but I thought I’d try to add some actual analysis to this recap.  I’m going to toss 3.14 (pie) into this recap and see if I get a Remainder 1.  That’s how that works, right?  Riiight?
  • Now it’s time to discuss Vinny and the dude with a ding-ding that he dated named one Ms. Sandra Bernhard.  We learn at Ramona went to Staten Island once to see Vinny’s family after they wrapped filming.  Clearly once she went to Staten Island she never found a reason to ever go back again.  Ever.  And now Vinny and Sandra Bernhard hardly talk anymore.  Awww that’s sad.  I’m sure once the cameras pick back up she’ll be tucking and taping her penis and picking up the phone to call him.
  • Is Vinny puffy and possibly doing roids?  I hope not.  I’m kidding.  I hope so!  This could make for great footage for next season if he starts freaking out and punching walls and, of course, cast members.  Fingers crossed and I’ll start a letter writing campaign to make sure this happens.
  • We’re 40 minutes into this 1 hour reunion and I can honestly say we haven’t learned anything new.  I’m starting to drift into the nicest little coma that money can buy.
  • Pauly D, Grandpa Sitch, and Vinny all show us exactly how to do “MVP.”  They do it and then the audience applauds.  Really?  This deserves clapping?  For those of you who are wondering why the terrorists are trying to bomb the pants off of us, please rewind this scene for your answer.
  • Remember the duck phone?  Those were simpler times.  I miss it.
  • There’s an actual debate taking place over the issue of Grandpa Situation c*ck blocking members of the house, especially Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  Finally after a lengthy debate, Grandpa Sitch admits that he’s not the best wing-man.  Vinny, on the other hand, is a little sad that Sitch tried to scoop up Ramona and her ding-a-ling after Vinny said he liked her.  Oh.  Well, did he circle “yes” or “no” on the origami note that Situation passed him during 5th period Social Studies?  I mean, let’s move on shall we?  Baby Jessica is still in that damn well and needs our help.  Oh, she’s not?  She was freed already?  In 1988?  Oh.  Well let’s move on anyway and work on freeing those Chilean miners.  Oh.  They’ve been freed too?  Oh.  Well is anyone stuck someone and needs our help?
  • Time to put Snooki on the boring hot seat with Jaslene.  We get to relive the awkward relationship between Snooki and Vinny.  It makes me just as uncomfortable now as it did then.  At least we get to watch Snooki and Angelina Trash Bags fight each other in slow motion…not because they’re showing it in slow motion but because they’re two out of shape broads fighting sloooow.
  • Can Ronnie please stop calling Snooki “Shhhnooki?”  Gracias.  Ole!
  • Vinny is explaining the he hooked up with Angelina Trash Bags because she talked about his mom and said he had no game, so he decided to hook up with her to prove a point.  Hmmph.  I assume he hooked up with her because she passes out mini trash bags as condoms.  My mistake.  Pardon me, Your Highness.
  • In the end we’re left with seeing some “comedic” highlights from the season,  including my favorite which was a discussion over JWoww’s cameltoe.  Brilliant and true all at the same time.
  • You know, let’s just end it with JWoww’s camel toe.  We won’t be able to top that.

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