Jersey Shore Recap: Why is a Grown Man Called “The Unit?”

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Just so we’re all on the same page, Snooki has been drunk since the moment she landed in Italy, correct?  Thought so.  11 minutes after breaking up with Stumpy McWhatswithyourtorso, Snooki hops in the bed of Vinny and ends up getting it in.  She actually doesn’t remember that she got it in and just thought she snuggled with Vinny…yet she got out of his bed hobbling.  Since she’s been awake for about 4 minutes she hijacks JWoww ShamWow and they decide to go for mimosas.  That makes sense.  I mean you’re never going to get on the liver transplant waiting list if your liver is functioning at even 1%.

Stop the press.  Why do these people have “friends” with the most jacked up names?  Grandpa Sitch calls his friend “The Unit’ to confirm that Snooki played Where’s Waldo down Sitch’s pants before they went to Italy.  More importantly, why is Mike talking like he’s a different race whilst chatting with “The Unit.”  Also, everyone grow up! How the hell old am I that I’m pissed off at these nicknames.  Anypopeyeface, did anyone notice that no one really responds to Grandpa Sitch when he talks to them?  He kinda just stands behind them and as he talks the other person never responds or acknowledges him.  He might as well just break through the fourth wall and talk directly to the camera like Zack Morris used to do for “comic relief.”

For reasons that I don’t understand, Grandpa Sitch turns into the “Little Boy Who Cried Roids” and comes up with some story about how he called “The Unit” and told him to call Jionni and tell him everything that happened between Snooki and Sitch.  He feels like if he tells Ronnie  this made up story he’ll find out who is going to rat him out to Snooki.  Yeah, that’s a good plan.  I hope to sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary that Sitch has invested wisely with his $5 million because this dude is bricks and is qualified for nothing after this is all over.  And what the hell happened to his hair this episode?  I believe he’s sporting the traditional Martha Washington by keeping it wet and splitting it right down the middle.  P.S People stopped shaving the sides and back of their head in, literally, 1993.  Actual 1993.

Meanwhile, after mimosas Snooki ends up doing cartwheels in the middle of the streets of Italy with her ass and gentlemen greeter winking at pedestrians and then chases down a nun because she claims she’s never seen one before.  Uh, nuns don’t only live in Italy.  Either way I’m pretty sure I saw the nun spray herself with holy water and continue running down the street.  Snooki’s vag can single handedly bring back purgatory.  ImBringingPuragatoryBack.com  After stalking the nun she ends up stopping in the liquor store because she clearly needs more booze and ends up buying a giant bottle of wine.  I’m talking giant.  It’s literally almost the size of Snooki…or at least her freakin’ poof.  Of course after she buys it and is dragging it up the street in her luggage (that she always seems to have with her outside for some reason) it falls out of her bag and smashes on the ground all whilst Snooki screams at the top of her lungs.  The passersby look at her like if she is getting raped they’re not getting involved.

Once back at the castle, Sammi SweatStains ends up spilling the roids about what Grandpa Sitch did.  Snooki takes it really well and runs out in the living room punching and slapping at Sitch and, eventually, picks up anything her greasy hands can get around and starts throwing stuff at him.  At first it starts with empty plastic bottles and plastic strainers, but then quickly turns into half empty champagne bottles.  She throws one right across the room and it shatters against the wall.  You can sees the alcohol splash all over the place and you know that Snooki is wishing she didn’t throw that strainer so that she could quickly place it against the walls to sift through the glass and get to the booze.  You know, play it safe.  Whilst Snooki is throwing everything the only thing she says over and over again is “F**k you!”  Before too much time passes Sitch tells her that he never had “The Unit” call Jionni and Snooki runs out to the balcony to smoke and cry.  Why won’t anyone talk about why grown men are called “The Unit” and “Jionni?”  That’s the real crime that’s been committed here.

The Douche Bag Brigade ends up having to split up and, therefore, the guys are heading to Sicily and the girls are heading to some dumb wine tasting tour in Tuscany.  All the girls put on their white-trash Kentucky Derby hats and head on out…but not before they call themselves classy and Snooki farts.  See what Jionni is missing out on?  Can you even imagine what the inside of those hats smell like?  I suspect KY and fried bits of clip on weave.  Oh, and entitlement.  The wine tour is a real sh*t show just like we expected.  Snooki is burping at the table all whilst the random lady is giving them facts and the history of the wines that they’re drinking.  Snooki says she’s not into geography so doesn’t care about what this lady is saying.  She just wants to talk about Jionni and after 10 bottles of wine everyone is ready to.  JWoww ShamWow ends up “putting Snooki on blast” by telling her that she cheated on Jionni with Vinny and so she should just move on.  Snooki, for some reason, thinks this isn’t a big deal and doesn’t understand why JWoww isn’t being a good friend to her right now.  She ends up bailing on the wine tasting (after sleeping on a few wine barrels) and escapes outside and just randomly starts running up the street crying.  Where the hell is she going and why do I care?

Over in Sicily, the guys finally arrive to Vinny’s family’s house, which apparently is like a clown car because about 100 relatives come out of the tiny little home.  One thing is for sure, they all have the wonky eye that has cursed Vinny his whole life. For some reason the “younger generations” all look like members of the Culkin family.  You know, the Culkin’s with the dark hair and the oversized eyeglasses? Yeah, them.  The only good thing that happens while they’re in Italy is that Vinny brought a picture of himself from when he was 13 years old.  He pretty much looks like Rocky Dennis so, well, that’s cool.  He keeps saying it was his “awkward phase.”  Hopefully one day he’ll grow out of that.  Hey-oh!  That would be like a Leno monologue joke and you know it.

It wasn’t until almost the end of the episode that I finally realized who VaDeena has looked like all season in Italy.  For a while I figured she was Paula Abdul’s creepy younger sister.  Then I realized that every time she has her hair in a side ponytail she looks like Natalie from The Facts of Life when the cast really started to embrace the late 80’s.  Anyjunkinhertrunk, once back at home Snooki calls her dad, drunk, to yell at him about Jionni and her dad tells her that Jionni updated his Facebook status to “Single.”  I feel like Snooki’s dad on Facebook is creepy.  I bet he stalks VaDeena’s profile all the live-long-day and keeps poking her.  Gross. Speaking of Facebook, feel free to join me on my Facebook page, which is just as creepy. Later Snooki calls Jionni to tell him that she hooked up with Vinny 1 hour after “they were on a break”  Friends-style.  Jionni throws a b*tch fit and then says that they’re done.  Minutes later he decides to give her a second chance.  What a douche.  There is nothing worse than someone cheating on you.  Nothing.  To give a cheater a second chance is always a mistake.  Have a little self respect and move on with your life.  However, after Vinny gets back from Sicily Snooki asks him what happened between them the other night and he confirms they did have sex.  So…time to call Jionni yet again.  This time Snooki calls to say that she did have sex with Vinny and that’s where the crapisode ends.  These two both deserve each other.

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