Jersey Shore Recap: We’re All Getting Too Old For This

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Remove your genitals from the George Forman grill and wash your drip-tray because Jersey Shore is back!  I’m actually outta breath from even typing that sentence.  Let’s just put it out there.  These jokers are getting a little too old for this sh*t.  I’m getting too old to be writing about this sh*t.  You’re getting too old to be reading this sh*t, but alas here we are.  It’s past 10:00pm and I just want to go to bed, but instead I’m sitting here with a hot laptop on my lap.  Like Tyra used to say to her models, “I give myself up for you”  I say something similar to you, the readers of IBBB.  I burn my penis, for you.  You’re welcome.

The Douche Bag Brigade is all packed up and ready to leave Italy to come back to the one country where we tolerate complete drunken rusty trash dumpsters on the regular.  Not only do we tolerate it, but we turn you into American Royalty.  George Washington’s teeth must be rolling over in their grave.  I have no clue what that means.  Regardless, they’re all leaving Italy and one thing is for sure:  VaDeena officially has turned into everyones Italian grandmother, sausage arms included.  Eh, good for her.  She likes the food.

Everyone is so excited to be heading back to Pedophile Manor at the Jersey Shore that you’d actually think they walked into the light and are seated at the right hand of the Father.  Shout out to my Catholic school upbringing, what-what!  They can’t believe how clean the “house” is and how how all their STDs seemed to have been removed from the property.  I’m sure someone forgot to clean the bill of the duckphone and, well, that’s likely to be shoved up Snooki’s gentlemen greeter by season-end.  There is some nervousness, however, because no one wants to room with Grandpa Situation and, sadly, Sammi SweatStains and Yawny are going to be stuck with him like that pesky case of herpes that just won’t seem to completely go away and always comes back at the most inappropriate time.  My favorite part, however, was when Sammi walks in the room and says, “I don’t even know where to put all my stuff.”  I, of course, immediately blurted out, “on the balcony you hard-faced b*tch.”  Then I got really mad at myself for yelling at a garbage barrel.  Seriously, how old is everyone getting?  For real.  Grandpa Sitch is trying to find a place to store his walker and I’m almost certain Ronnie is switching out his protein powder with Metamucil.  Eh, it’s important to move your bowels regularly.

Later, in order to celebrate the devil winning, Snooki and VaDeena decide to do shots of pickle juice because they probably want to make sure their breath smells the same as their crotch.  But the guys don’t want to be left out of the celebration so they decide to (yawn) do a little GTL (remember when that was so funny?) and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does some extra tanning because prior to that he only looked slightly like Burnt Sienna and not a full Brick Red.  It’s a process.  After they go to the gym so Yawny can take out all of his aggression on upper body only (no need to work out the legs…just wear pants) and finally they conclude their day by getting some absolutely terrible haircuts.  The “barber” looks like he carved the map to Zelda in the back of Stich’s head and for some inexplicable reason Vinny had them only leave a giant “V” on the back of his head.  Is it ok if all of America lets out a collective “You’re White!” to all of the guys?  Just checking.

After the millionaires stop by their minimum wage job at the T-shirt store they all pack up the van to head out to some dive restaurant that their boss is taking them to in order to welcome them back to the United States of America.  Suddenly when they walk into the restaurant they all hear a ton of people yell out “surprise!”  I assumed it was all the babies from all the girls who got knocked  up while visiting Pedophile Manor over the years but I was wrong.  It was actually all the family members of the gang.  Take a good look, folk,s because these are the real people to blame for all of this.  And, not for nothing, but they were welcoming these trash heaps home like they just came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.  Either way, what a treat for the eyes this was!  JWoww ShamWow’s dad was there.  Well it was either him or Peter Tork form The Monkees.  Google it.  And F you when you say, “Who are the Monkees?”  Vinny’s whole family was there and this brought him to manly tears.  His mom, who may or may not be Joy Behar, is always quite the dish and she didn’t disappoint this time as well.  And of course there was Uncle Nino who, I’m almost certain, by law must introduce himself to everyone at the bar…and his neighbors within a 1 mile radius.  We’re also finally introduced to a grown white man who calls himself “Unit.”  Personally I blame Eminem for this.  Moving on.

“Unit” pretty much looks like a pale sickly poor-mans version of Pauly D with a “It’s Pat” from SNL wig.  I’m dead on.  You’re welcome.  Grandpa Situation and his life partner friend, Unit, are ready to mess with Snooki in front of her pint sized, shiny-faced, awkwardly-waxed boyfriend, Jionni.  Since everyone is drinking and could give 2 sh*ts about this show anymore the fight between the Unit and Snooki literally goes like this for a good 5 minutes:

Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”
Unit:   “I got you girl.”
Snooki:  “Ok, Unit.”

No punches were thrown.  No drinks went flying.  Snooki didn’t  fall out of her chair exposing her vagina and the Jersey Shore logo.  It was like I don’t even know these goons anymore.  Everyone goes home, including Unit and he and Grandpa Sitch basically get naked in his bedroom, spray each other down, play dress up, and then go back outside to hang out with everyone else.  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, the thing I like best about Unit is that he can’t get his hair to spike and so it just curls.  And not just any curls.  I’m talking tight wet curls.  If he grew it out about 10 more inches he’d look like Leah from Teen Mom.

However, the romance isn’t to be kept just between Unit and Sitch.  Hell to the no.  Snooki’s mutant looking friend, Ryder, is hanging out at the house, drunk, and hooks up with Pauly D/Ellen Travolta.  She is officially the super-secret-sixth-in-line-house-pig.  Her parents must be so proud, but let’s just assume that they are sans TV…and jobs.  So I’m sure they’ll never see this.  I actually felt bad for VaDeena during all of this because she seemed so sad.  She could barely stuff those hamburgers hot off the grill down her facia bruta.  She did muster up enough energy to walk into Pauly D’s room and sit at the end of his bed while he and Ryder just stared at her in silence.  She finally left to, I guess, eat her feelings in bed.

For the remainder of the crapisode we’re left with watching Vinny basically on suicide watch.  He’s so homesick and tired that he keeps forgetting to take off his Justin Bieber glasses when he goes to bed.  He’s just moping around and can barely make it out to Aztec which, like Karma, looks like the worst place on the face of the earth.  Although there was one fine lady trying to have a dance-off with the fellas.  She may have been having a seizure from the nuclear-holocaust sounding music and lights but either way she was definitely Hatchet Face with a perm.  Perms must be the new thing in Jersey.  I can’t wait for them to make it over the bridges and tunnels onto the main island so I can see them on the regular.  In the end, Vinny has to go home from “da club” because he says he can’t take it any more and he “has no more to give.”  Uh, what was he giving us all the other seasons…lazy eyes?  Because, well, that’s about all.  Yawny and Pauly D are ready to slap a 5150 on Vinny and Vinny is legit ready to go the hell home so his mother can make sweet passionate love to him in his twin bed.

Enjoy these horrific (horrific, meaning:  written by a whore) Jersey Shore recaps?  Well then join me on my Facebook page and click on the “Recommend” button to share this recap with your white trash Facebook friends.  Ole!

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