Jersey Shore Recap: This Episode Was My Fear Factor

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2+2= Roids: The Aftermath – See what I did there? Sam drives away in her black cab (class act) and Ronnie is left to smoke his Newport’s all my himself. He is distraught. Luckily Grandpa Situation is there to awkwardly hug his head over and over again and give him words of advice that could be found on countless pages of a Ziggy calendar. One of my favorites is “I’d rather die standing up then live on my knees” which is ironic because that is the opposite of Snooki’s motto.  Hey-oh!

And what was up with Ronnie’s t-shirt?  “Kill Your TV.”  I have a feeling that “TV” was Sammi’s nickname.  I have to admit that I’m a little pissed that whist Situation was letting us know all of his nicknames (Uncle Sitch, Bang Your Girl Situation, etc) he never once mentioned Grandpa Sitch.  And I know he knows it.  Junk monster.

Meanwhile, I’m a little shocked that the cameras are following Sammi SweatStains all the way home to her moms house.  I now have a feeling that this isn’t the last we’ll be seeing of her.  It was good to hear Sam say that she felt like she was being abused by Ronnie.  I only say that because I want to be sure to use that against her when she goes back to him in a couple of crapisodes.  I was actually shocked that the couch she was sitting on wasn’t puffy leather.  I guess I wasn’t as shocked as I was hurt.

1, 2, 3, 4 I Declare an E-Coli War – Since Yawnie has brought the house down to utter doom and gloom Snooki and VaDeena decide to spice things up around Pedophile Manor by smearing cake in Vinny’s face as a joke.  I guess the trick is to have his good eye focus on VaDeena whilst Snooki sneaks up beside is wonk to hit him with cake.  This is shocking.  Not that they would pull a prank on Vinny, but that there is cake in the house and these two aren’t binging.  After the cake prank Snooki and VaDeena squeal with delight and hide under their beds, which I honestly can’t believe they can fit under.  When I was little and scared of monsters under my bed this is exactly what I pictured lived under there.  Little hairy greasy pleasantly plump orange midgets.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Vinny decide to get them back placing dog sh*t into a bag, poking holes in it, and placing it under Snooki’s pillow.  Vinny even smelled it to make sure it smelled like sh*t.  Really?  He couldn’t have just assumed?

Since the little monsters were under the  bed and witnessed this, they then place the bag-o-sh*t under Vinny’s pillow in return.  Is it just me or does nobody in that house have a problem working with bags of sh*t?  Perhaps they’re numb to it from their time spent with Angelina?  Moving on.  Vinny discovers the bag so to retaliate he kidnaps Snooki’s crocodile (Crocadilly) and hangs him by his neck off the top floor balcony.  The prank comes to an end when Grandpa Sitch spills the beans to Snooki on the exact location of Crocadilly.  The guys are pissed that Sitch ruined the prank and we finally remember why Vinny is even on this show when lets us know that Sitch’s new nickname is now the “Snitch.” Bravo Vinny, bravo.  Now please go an collect your check.  Your work here is done.

When Did This Show Turn Into Fear Factor? – Seriously, while this show is literally based on sh*t, this crapisode actually was based on sh*t.  Literally.  Disgusting.  First there was the dog sh*t and next thing you know we’re forced to watch Vinny try to unclog a toilet that Ronnie busted minutes before.  Ironic because once all this Jersey Shore hoopla dies down, unclogging toilets is going to become the best bullet point on Vinny’s resume.  Why have I been picking on Vinny so much?  Misplaced anger?  I’ll look into that.  Anyway, that toilet scene actually made me dry-heave a little, like that time that Snooki was doing cartwheels at “da club” without any underpants on (or at least Pullups).  Why do we need to see that?  I mean they’ll blur out a “coke” logo but brown water, toilet paper, and Ronnie’s anus blood is fair game?

Then, next thing you know, the sh*t storm continues because whilst at work Ronnie locks himself in the bathroom to cry over Sammi not being there and Snooki is about to Shasta McNasty in her pants.  I’m sure it won’t be the first time but, come on, not at work!  Later, VaDeena doesn’t feel good and is complaining that she’s constipated and that they really need to unclog all three toilets in the house so she can finally go.  Remember when you had to have a talent to be on television?  Now?  Just be able to take a Shasta and in some cases just talk about wanting to take a Shasta.

Abusers Buy Flowers For Every Day of the Week – Ronnie is still glum because he barely has anyone to scream at on the regular and no one’s personal property to smash in a drunken rage.  Poor Ronnie.  He should take it out on the dogs.  In order to make himself feel better he calls to have a dozen roses sent to Sammi’s sister for her birthday and then he’s also sending Sammi roses for the next three says.  Red roses tomorrow, white roses the day after that, pink roses the day after that, and then POW right in kisser after that.  They should be playing scenes from “What’s Love Got to Do With It” in the background at all times.  AnnaMae…you, you you better, you better take 5 AnnaMae!

Enough With the Catchphrases – Can we cool it with all the catch phrases now?  Please?  Grandpa Sitch is kind of the worst with it.  He literally wants everything he says to go on a t-shirt that he can sell.  Well, more like he can bedazzle first and then sell.  Whilst at the barber shop for their “every-other-day” haircut Grandpa Sitch is trying to tell the barbers that there are grenades, and then there are grenade launchers, and then there are rocket launchers, and then there are tanks, and then there are….shut up.  The barbers couldn’t give 2 sh*ts (ironically, VaDeena literally can’t give 2 sh*ts either right now).  I keep looking at Grandpa Sitch and just keep thinking, aren’t you too old for this?  No, really.  Aren’t you?  Clearly, I am.  So you must be too.

Cleaning Out Sammi’s Room is the New “Note” – Whilst the guys are getting pampered, JWoww ShamWow and VaDeena are busy taking all of Sammi’s stuff out of Ronnie’s room and bringing it down the theirs.  When Ronnie gets home and notices that Sam’s stuff is gone he wonders if she was here to get it or if someone else moved all of it.  For reasons that I don’t understand, JWoww and VaDeena pretend they have no idea what happened.  Why?  Is this the new “note” from last season.  If it was me I would have been like, “Yeah I moved all her stuff out of your room so that you couldn’t break any more of it.  What, are you going to hit me next you sick son-of-a-b*tch?”  Then I would have ran like heeeeeeeell because Ronnie could beat the absolute bag out of me.

What’s With Those “Jersey Store” T-Shirts – I don’t know what I’m more confused by, the fact that all of a sudden the whole douche-bag brigade is forced to wear uniforms at work now…or the fact that they even have to work there at all?  What’s the point?  Usually MTV reality shows make these fools work so that they’re forced to get out of the house and possible stir up some drama.  So why does this group need to do that?  More crap happens in the house than outside of the house.  And what could they possibly even be getting paid to work there?  It’s like, you keep your minimum wage, T-Shirt Shop, because I’m busy doing my taxes after I closed out 2010 with $5 million.  Ok, thanks.  In a non-related note, remember on Full House when “doing your taxes” was code for Uncle Jesse and Ant Becky having sex up in attic because they were newlyweds?  I fondly think of them each and every tax season and, like a 10 year old, I squeal with delight every time I hear someone say “doing my taxes.”  For those of you keeping track at home, this is officially reason #5,624 why I am a complete tool.  Ole!

All the Underwear – Alright, so throughout this episode everyone is freaking out about touching other peoples underwear.  First there was JWoww and VaDeena while they were cleaning out Sammi’s room and then it was Pauly D and Vinny finding dirty underwear in the downstairs bathroom and placing it on the footstool. I’m not sure why no one will touch it and everyone is grossed out by it.  I mean, this crew literally f*cks donkeys night after night from “da club” but won’t touch the underwear to throw it away?  I guess this is one for the great philosophers.

Funny Moment of Da Show – When Pauly D/Ellen Travolta shouts “cabs ahhh heeeaaah” and then darts and rolls over the footstool to get to the door.  Brilliant.

Snooki is the Drunken Voice of Reason – While at Karma (drink!) saddled up at the bar Snooki tries to tell Ronnie that he and Sam need to be single now because all they do is fight.  Ronnie wants no part of that is and is like, “I..I…I’m gonna get her back. I don’t know how but I..I am.”  At least give her enough time to buy new things so that you can break them.  I mean, who wants to break things that are already broken?  Not me.  When Ronnie says that they don’t fight all the time, Snooki waves the white flag and, in an uncommon moment of sobriety, throws up her hands hands and says, “I’m done.  You guys are like talking to a freakin’ wall.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  She should have pretended to hit him after that and then punched him in the arm saying “two for flinching, b*tch!”

The Drunken Walk Home – I had to admit, the drunken walk home is always one of my favorite parts of the night.  This is when you meet new friends for 10 minutes and then never have to see them again.  Snooki has landed herself a man whose name she can’t remember and whose name I can’t spell.  Gianni?  G-An-E?  I have no idea.  Alls I knows (all I know) is that she’s ready to get it in and when Snooki is in heat back. the. F.  up.

Meanwhile, VaDeena turns into that drunken girl that we have ALL come in contact with who is so drunk, falls on the street, and then just starts crying that she wants to go home.  Was it just me or when VaDeena fell on the street did she really just camouflage in?  Grandpa Sitch nicknames her the Slopapotamus because she’s a “sloptart” and a hippo?  I’m not following and, you know what, I don’t think he is either.  I have to say I do like the name “sloptart” though and may try to incorporate it into my vernacular.  Fine, Sitch, I’ll buy the t-shirt.

Anytrash, VaDeena brings the tears back to the house saying that everyone treats her like a joke and by “everyone” I’m assuming she means “The America.”  Ronnie tries to give her a pep talk, but I’m pretty sure he’s just ready to abuse her.  He starts by saying that they all love her and that she’s like the little sister that they never wanted and how he’ll rip the head off her favorite teddy bear.  Ruh-roh.  I would run if I were you, VaDeen, because I’m pretty sure this is how he “wooed” Sammi back in the day.  Then he’s demanding that she go get him hamburger buns and ketchup from the kitchen.  She better get a frozen steak for her face because I’m almost certain she’s going to have a black-eye to explain to the gang tomorrow.

In the End – In the end, Snooki allegedly “gets it in” with the dude whose name she can’t remember.  In fact, right before he’s ready to seal the deal he asks her to say his name and she still can’t remember so she just calls him Bernard.  Good enough.  Sex shall be had!  VaDeena ends up coming clean to Ronnie (who is still moping around) that she did move Sammi’s stuff out of his room and Ronnie is contemplating moving home as well.  As Barb from Teen Mom would say, “Lawwwdy Hallelujah!”  Although in the scenes from next week we learn that Sammi decides to come back to the house…probably for another emotional beating.

Overall this episode was pretty much a snoozefest and overall disgusting with all the sh*t, clogged toilets, and dirty underwear.  I’m sure we’ll learn that this was a “ratings high” for MTV.  Eh, such is life.

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