Jersey Shore recap time! It’s like Christmas comes once a week when JS is on. I’m liking the season so far, but am a little disappointed that more people aren’t beating the bag out of each other on the regular. Hopefully we’ll get to that soon. Meanwhile, here’s what went down last night on Jersey Shore:
- We get to relive the slow-motion-half-slap heard around the juice head world when Angelina Trash Bags “attacks” Pauly D/Ellen Travolta. I will, more than likely, drink a bottle of wine and then reenact this scene with my collection of Troll Dolls later. I’ll let you know how it goes. Spoiler Alert: Not well.
- Anygarbagedisposal, the sounds of Pauly D screaming at Angelina wakes up Sleeping Beauty (JWoww ShamWow) from a peaceful and dainty slumber. She drags her weave out of bed and looks like she just crawled out of a dumpster…after having sex in it…with a homeless dude….and his three kids….who are all on heroine….and blind….and armless….and rely on a seeing-eye dog…who is also on heroine…whom JWoww also banged. So yeah, like that. ShamWow lets Angelina know that if she wasn’t drunk she’d be beating her ass right now.
- Ok here’s why I start to like Angelina. She is so drunk that she doesn’t remember even hitting Pauly D from 3 minutes ago. In fact, she starts talking about some chick at “da club” who may have hit him. Oh, and she’s slurring too. These are attractive qualities to me. Is that bad? Am I wrong? I don’t think so. Toss in the fact that she’s stumbling around the yard with her sunglasses on like Mr. Magoo and I think I’m in love. Ok, I’m over her.
- Why the hell are they working at a gelato shop? More importantly how is it legal that JWoww has to wear a black t-shirt where her rack-attack can’t be seen or heard from? Plus, it just doesn’t make sense in regards to efficiency. If her rack was hanging out she could stick an ice-cream cone in there while scooping the next. Duh.
- So, yeah. Um. Er. Vinny needs a haircut and is talking about getting a “tape up” which I’m learning is some kind of haircut. He finds a barber and says that if they can cut a “black persons hair then they can cut his hair.” Next thing you know he’s saying how they’re in the hood and in the ghetto. Ouch. Someone is going to take issue with this and, similar to the Grinch, I wouldn’t touch this with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.
- Oh, and Ronnie gets his haircut there too which is just basically shaved on the sides and then feathered on the top, perfect for when you’re on a meth binge and just want a quick “wash-n-go.”
- On a very special Jersey Shore: Grandpa Situation rounds up the entire group to talk about giving Angelina another chance. They all just want Angelina to admit that she’s talked about them in the past and then they can move on. This is, perhaps, the most civil thing we’ve ever witnessed on the Jersey Shore. Quick, someone hit someone!
- Everyone gets ready to go out for the night and this is usually my favorite part of the episode because, like watching an animal episode of National Geographics, we get to see them all in their natural habitat. Spraying themselves with Axe, AquaNet, and pushing up their boobs is clearly their mating ritual. Snooki is in her typical Snooki attire which consists of a leopard dress, her boobs pushed up to her chin, and her “freakin poof” standing as high as an elephants eye. JWoww ShamWow is rockin’ her famous cut out shirt with her boobs peaking out the middle, top, bottom, front, and sides. Basically it’s like her shirt is a curtain and her boobs are ready to take a bow. Both Snooki and JWoww may or may not be in their own official Halloween costumes of 2010.
- At “da club” everyone is drunk and Snooki has a boob to boob heart to heart with Angelina about admitting that she talked sh*t about her in the past. Angelina admits to this so that they could move forward. She then admits the same thing to ShamWow. They’re all so happy that Angelina admits this and they can now be friends again. Why don’t they care that she, you know, talked sh*t about them? I don’t even know what she said and I’m pissed. Well I’m not so much pissed as I am buzzed. Basically when they’re at “da club” I like to have some drinks too so that I feel like I’m hanging out with them. That’s normal, right?
- Why do they keep saying that Ronnie is “drunk?” That’s not drunk, kiddies, that’s Ecstasy (allegedly). They’re all like, “Ronnie is such a different person now when he’s drunk.” Well that’s because the cocaine in the Ecstasy makes you do crazy things. Ronnie is now at the point where he’s basically doing the Charlie Brown dance moves all while looking up at the sky like he sees Jesus Himself (yeah I capitalized “Himself.” I went to Catholic school. I know what’s up). I have to be honest, I’m loving watching Ronnie’s audition tape for Intervention. I can’t wait until he and Candy Finnegan are in the same room together. Your hard-parting ways have negatively affected me in the following ways…
- Ronnie calls Sammi SweatStains a b*tch and tells her to go home. Once she does Ronnie starts “creepin'” and Snooki witnesses the whole thing. She confronts Ronnie and he tells her that the whole time Sammi was going, and I quote, “Na na na na. Ma ma ma ma.” Ok. Yup. Wow. So basically Ronnie just signaled and al qaeda attack. It’s official. Us infidels are going to die. Thanks Ron.
- Later Snooki double checks if Ronnie really wants to be dancing with some other girl and he pushes her out of the way. Oh no he didn’t! Oh yes he did. Grandpa Situation and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta step in and literally carry Ronnie out of “da club” in put him in “da cab.” Ain’t (ai-not) no one gonna push my Snooki! Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed! Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed! I’m going to make this into the new “Donna Martin Graduates!”
- In Horrible Tooth Fairy News: Grandpa Sitch can’t believe that Ronnie hooks up with girls at “da club” and then comes back and sleeps with Sammi SweatStains. He says, “I think Sammi has an idea but doesn’t want to believe it. It goes back to the day when you thought the Tooth Fairy was, you know, alive.” Wait what? Wait what? So you’re saying the Tooth Fairy has passed away? What? When? I need a minute. I’m going to need a minute. Answer me this then, if the Tooth Fairy isn’t alive anymore who’s been leaving money under my pillow and, more importantly, why are my teeth still falling out as an adult?
- I love a drunk Snooki. I really do. Snooki is stumbling around the house and goes to call her boyfriend. She’s slurring and making no sense. Plus, she’s hiccuping constantly. Vinny is passed out on the chair but wakes up when he hears Snooki hiccuping. This is the Snooki I love the best. She can’t even get her full sentence out to her boyfriend on the phone and it’s cracking me up. I want to put Snooki in my front pocket and just bring her with me everywhere I go. Like to the bathroom and Dunkin Donuts because, you know, I’m a class act. Snooki ends up knocking the entire phone table over, hangs up on her boyfriend, and then gets into bed with Vinny. The best part is that Snooki asks Vinny if he wants to f*ck, he says “sure” and then she turns over burps in his face and laughs. THIS is the Jersey Shore that I love. THIS is also the reason why most other countries hate us, but that’s another story for another time.
- New Acronym Alert: Here we go again. Now we learn what MVP stands for. Mike, Vinny, Pauly. MVP. So now we have MVP, GTL, IFF, GFF, MIA. Anything else? Seriously, I need Rosetta Stone for this crap.
- The guys want to have an MVP night and Angelina wants to go so badly and, well they don’t want her to go. So, they literally wait until she turns her head the other way and then they all run out of the door, up the street, and ditch her. I’ve seen Bugs Bunny have a harder time trying to ditch Elmer Fudd than they just did with Angelina. Brilliant.
- After the guys are done at “da club” which is filled with “grenades” (see? I’m learning) they bring back some real skanks to the house. I mean, if you’re a girl and you run into these guys while you’re out drinking….and then they bring you back to the house…and then you signs a waiver saying you’re allowing your face to be show on national television, you know you’re a classy chick who makes good decisions.
- While in the hot tub with the “girls” one of the girls fake boobs that you stuff in a bra falls out and is now floating in the hot tub. Great, now even that has syphilis. To keep things completely normal, the guys start playing catch with it for a few minutes before they give these grenades some towels and send them on their way so that they can live out the rest of their lives being known as “the girls who were in the hot tub on Jersey Shore with the fake boob floating around and being called grenades behind their back.” What a wonderful title. It’s going to really make their resume pop!
- The “next day” at the gelato shop Snooki, JWoww, and Grandpa Sitch all are working. JWoww can’t believe that she’s not allowed to wear her own Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat with jewels and gold chains hanging off of it. That’s surprising. What store owner wouldn’t allow that? I mean that hat was so friggin busy I started having seizures in my living room just looking at it.
- Snooki, on the other hand, is too short to see over the counter (and I’m not joking) so they have to give her a stool just so she can see the customers. She calls herself a Smurf and that makes me love her even more. Move over Smurfette because we have a new head b*tch in charge who’s happily named Guidette. Seriously, the fact that I never thought of that connection before makes me a little sad.
- Grandpa Sitch decides to take his shirt off and stand in front of the store to get some customers. Yup, no one comes in. So Snooki is bored and decides to mount the giant statue “camel/dog” and she ends up hurting her vagina and probably re-busting her hymen. All in a days work.
- In the end, Sammi SweatStains gets pissed off at Ronnie for deciding to go to “da club” with the guys instead of staying home with her and cuddling. Go figure. Also, two things we forgot to discuss. (1) Why do they only go to the same 2 clubs every night? And (2) why does Ronnie always call Snooki “Shhnooki?” Discuss.
Next week Snooki and JWoww are struggling with the decision of telling Sammi SweatStains that Ronnie is cheating so they decide to write her an anonymous letter. Can’t. Wait. Join Me on Facebook!
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