Jersey Shore recap time! Itâs like Christmas comes once a week when JS is on. Iâm liking the season so far, but am a little disappointed that more people arenât beating the bag out of each other on the regular. Hopefully weâll get to that soon. Meanwhile, hereâs what went down last night on Jersey Shore:
- We get to relive the slow-motion-half-slap heard around the juice head world when Angelina Trash Bags âattacksâ Pauly D/Ellen Travolta. I will, more than likely, drink a bottle of wine and then reenact this scene with my collection of Troll Dolls later. Iâll let you know how it goes. Spoiler Alert: Not well.
- Anygarbagedisposal, the sounds of Pauly D screaming at Angelina wakes up Sleeping Beauty (JWoww ShamWow) from a peaceful and dainty slumber. She drags her weave out of bed and looks like she just crawled out of a dumpsterâŠafter having sex in itâŠwith a homeless dudeâŠ.and his three kidsâŠ.who are all on heroineâŠ.and blindâŠ.and armlessâŠ.and rely on a seeing-eye dogâŠwho is also on heroineâŠwhom JWoww also banged. So yeah, like that. ShamWow lets Angelina know that if she wasnât drunk sheâd be beating her ass right now.
- Ok hereâs why I start to like Angelina. She is so drunk that she doesnât remember even hitting Pauly D from 3 minutes ago. In fact, she starts talking about some chick at âda clubâ who may have hit him. Oh, and sheâs slurring too. These are attractive qualities to me. Is that bad? Am I wrong? I donât think so. Toss in the fact that sheâs stumbling around the yard with her sunglasses on like Mr. Magoo and I think Iâm in love. Ok, Iâm over her.
- Why the hell are they working at a gelato shop? More importantly how is it legal that JWoww has to wear a black t-shirt where her rack-attack canât be seen or heard from? Plus, it just doesnât make sense in regards to efficiency. If her rack was hanging out she could stick an ice-cream cone in there while scooping the next. Duh.
- So, yeah. Um. Er. Vinny needs a haircut and is talking about getting a âtape upâ which Iâm learning is some kind of haircut. He finds a barber and says that if they can cut a âblack persons hair then they can cut his hair.â Next thing you know heâs saying how theyâre in the hood and in the ghetto. Ouch. Someone is going to take issue with this and, similar to the Grinch, I wouldnât touch this with a thirty nine and a half foot pole.
- Oh, and Ronnie gets his haircut there too which is just basically shaved on the sides and then feathered on the top, perfect for when youâre on a meth binge and just want a quick âwash-n-go.â
- On a very special Jersey Shore: Grandpa Situation rounds up the entire group to talk about giving Angelina another chance. They all just want Angelina to admit that sheâs talked about them in the past and then they can move on. This is, perhaps, the most civil thing weâve ever witnessed on the Jersey Shore. Quick, someone hit someone!
- Everyone gets ready to go out for the night and this is usually my favorite part of the episode because, like watching an animal episode of National Geographics, we get to see them all in their natural habitat. Spraying themselves with Axe, AquaNet, and pushing up their boobs is clearly their mating ritual. Snooki is in her typical Snooki attire which consists of a leopard dress, her boobs pushed up to her chin, and her âfreakin poofâ standing as high as an elephants eye. JWoww ShamWow is rockinâ her famous cut out shirt with her boobs peaking out the middle, top, bottom, front, and sides. Basically itâs like her shirt is a curtain and her boobs are ready to take a bow. Both Snooki and JWoww may or may not be in their own official Halloween costumes of 2010.
- At âda clubâ everyone is drunk and Snooki has a boob to boob heart to heart with Angelina about admitting that she talked sh*t about her in the past. Angelina admits to this so that they could move forward. She then admits the same thing to ShamWow. Theyâre all so happy that Angelina admits this and they can now be friends again. Why donât they care that she, you know, talked sh*t about them? I donât even know what she said and Iâm pissed. Well Iâm not so much pissed as I am buzzed. Basically when theyâre at âda clubâ I like to have some drinks too so that I feel like Iâm hanging out with them. Thatâs normal, right?
- Why do they keep saying that Ronnie is âdrunk?â Thatâs not drunk, kiddies, thatâs Ecstasy (allegedly). Theyâre all like, âRonnie is such a different person now when heâs drunk.â Well thatâs because the cocaine in the Ecstasy makes you do crazy things. Ronnie is now at the point where heâs basically doing the Charlie Brown dance moves all while looking up at the sky like he sees Jesus Himself (yeah I capitalized âHimself.â I went to Catholic school. I know whatâs up). I have to be honest, Iâm loving watching Ronnieâs audition tape for Intervention. I canât wait until he and Candy Finnegan are in the same room together. Your hard-parting ways have negatively affected me in the following waysâŠ
- Ronnie calls Sammi SweatStains a b*tch and tells her to go home. Once she does Ronnie starts âcreepin'â and Snooki witnesses the whole thing. She confronts Ronnie and he tells her that the whole time Sammi was going, and I quote, âNa na na na. Ma ma ma ma.â Ok. Yup. Wow. So basically Ronnie just signaled and al qaeda attack. Itâs official. Us infidels are going to die.  Thanks Ron.
- Later Snooki double checks if Ronnie really wants to be dancing with some other girl and he pushes her out of the way. Oh no he didnât! Oh yes he did. Grandpa Situation and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta step in and literally carry Ronnie out of âda clubâ in put him in âda cab.â Ainât (ai-not) no one gonna push my Snooki! Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed! Snooki Gets Smooshed, Not Pushed! Iâm going to make this into the new âDonna Martin Graduates!â
- In Horrible Tooth Fairy News: Grandpa Sitch canât believe that Ronnie hooks up with girls at âda clubâ and then comes back and sleeps with Sammi SweatStains. He says, âI think Sammi has an idea but doesnât want to believe it. It goes back to the day when you thought the Tooth Fairy was, you know, alive.â Wait what? Wait what? So youâre saying the Tooth Fairy has passed away? What? When? I need a minute. Iâm going to need a minute. Answer me this then, if the Tooth Fairy isnât alive anymore whoâs been leaving money under my pillow and, more importantly, why are my teeth still falling out as an adult?
- I love a drunk Snooki. I really do. Snooki is stumbling around the house and goes to call her boyfriend. Sheâs slurring and making no sense. Plus, sheâs hiccuping constantly. Vinny is passed out on the chair but wakes up when he hears Snooki hiccuping. This is the Snooki I love the best. She canât even get her full sentence out to her boyfriend on the phone and itâs cracking me up. I want to put Snooki in my front pocket and just bring her with me everywhere I go. Like to the bathroom and Dunkin Donuts because, you know, Iâm a class act. Snooki ends up knocking the entire phone table over, hangs up on her boyfriend, and then gets into bed with Vinny. The best part is that Snooki asks Vinny if he wants to f*ck, he says âsureâ and then she turns over burps in his face and laughs. THIS is the Jersey Shore that I love. THIS is also the reason why most other countries hate us, but thatâs another story for another time.
- New Acronym Alert: Here we go again. Now we learn what MVP stands for. Mike, Vinny, Pauly. MVP. So now we have MVP, GTL, IFF, GFF, MIA. Anything else? Seriously, I need Rosetta Stone for this crap.
- The guys want to have an MVP night and Angelina wants to go so badly and, well they donât want her to go. So, they literally wait until she turns her head the other way and then they all run out of the door, up the street, and ditch her. Iâve seen Bugs Bunny have a harder time trying to ditch Elmer Fudd than they just did with Angelina. Brilliant.
- After the guys are done at âda clubâ which is filled with âgrenadesâ (see? Iâm learning) they bring back some real skanks to the house. I mean, if youâre a girl and you run into these guys while youâre out drinkingâŠ.and then they bring you back to the houseâŠand then you signs a waiver saying youâre allowing your face to be show on national television, you know youâre a classy chick who makes good decisions.
- While in the hot tub with the âgirlsâ one of the girls fake boobs that you stuff in a bra falls out and is now floating in the hot tub. Great, now even that has syphilis. To keep things completely normal, the guys start playing catch with it for a few minutes before they give these grenades some towels and send them on their way so that they can live out the rest of their lives being known as âthe girls who were in the hot tub on Jersey Shore with the fake boob floating around and being called grenades behind their back.â What a wonderful title. Itâs going to really make their resume pop!
- The ânext dayâ at the gelato shop Snooki, JWoww, and Grandpa Sitch all are working. JWoww canât believe that sheâs not allowed to wear her own Ed Hardy bedazzled trucker hat with jewels and gold chains hanging off of it. Thatâs surprising. What store owner wouldnât allow that? I mean that hat was so friggin busy I started having seizures in my living room just looking at it.
- Snooki, on the other hand, is too short to see over the counter (and Iâm not joking) so they have to give her a stool just so she can see the customers. She calls herself a Smurf and that makes me love her even more. Move over Smurfette because we have a new head b*tch in charge whoâs happily named Guidette. Seriously, the fact that I never thought of that connection before makes me a little sad.
- Grandpa Sitch decides to take his shirt off and stand in front of the store to get some customers. Yup, no one comes in. So Snooki is bored and decides to mount the giant statue âcamel/dogâ and she ends up hurting her vagina and probably re-busting her hymen. All in a days work.
- In the end, Sammi SweatStains gets pissed off at Ronnie for deciding to go to âda clubâ with the guys instead of staying home with her and cuddling. Go figure. Also, two things we forgot to discuss. (1) Why do they only go to the same 2 clubs every night? And (2) why does Ronnie always call Snooki âShhnooki?â Discuss.
Next week Snooki and JWoww are struggling with the decision of telling Sammi SweatStains that Ronnie is cheating so they decide to write her an anonymous letter. Canât. Wait.  Join Me on Facebook!