Jersey Shore Recap: The One Where Snooki-Mouse Somehow Sidesteps Alcohol Poisoning

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So Snooki is still Slampigachusettes, right? Right.  We pick up where we left off last week which was Snooki calling the oddly proportioned Jionni to spill the greasy beans that she let Vinny “do sex” to her and then, because he’s a gentlemen, tell her about it the next day.  Luckily since Jionni doesn’t really have much else going on in his life besides being the boyfriend of a girl known globally as “Snooki,” he decides to remain calm and tell her that he has to figure out what their next steps should be.  He should straighten up and get in line because his meal ticket will simply just move on to some other guy who, because they live in Jersey, will look exactly like him.  Exactly.  Same height.  Same weight.  Same color.  Same gel.  Same eyebrows, waxed within an inch of their life.  Same, same.

All this talk about “getting it in” has really got VaDeena all hot and bothered.  Thinking about VaDeena in heat makes me want to take out my dinkeridoo and literally put it in my toaster oven and, well, just call it a day.  Why do I have a feeling that when VaDeena is horny she just drips marinara and AquaNet residue?  I guess it’s not so much of a feeling as it is a strong probability.  Anyhaneshusky, VaDeena is flat out asking Pauly D/Ellen Travolta if he’ll “do sex” to her.  She’s so sweet.  Just by her saying it out loud made my junk start to itch.  But, well, that’s another story for another time.  Pauly D isn’t so sure that he wants to “do sex” to VaDeena because they’re such “good friends.”  That’s code for, “I’m fine with my hand, thanks.”  That’s also called manners.  Pauly D is scared that if he doesn’t end up bringing home a girl from “da club” then he’s going to be forced to “do sex” with VaDeena. I mean, relax buddy.  It’s not like she’s a rapist.  She’s a Level II at best.  I don’t even think she has to legally introduce herself to her neighbors.  Either way, she tried to seal the deal by alerting Pauly D to the fact that “she’s a good f*ck.”  Awww, that’s sweet as pie.  Like, whore pie…which is, of course, lemon meringue.  But, alas, VaDeena ends up not getting her golden ticket from Pauly D.  And Italy’s collective pubic region breathes a long sigh of relief.

The “next morning” after Grandpa Sitch uses the toothbrush that Pauly D cleans his clippers with, Snooki and VaDeena think it only makes sense to get really dressed up and, you know, start tossing a few back.  And you know what?  They’re onto something.  They end up at a place that has about 5 patrons inside and immediately start dancing on the bar, dry-humping each other on a table, fall off a chair, and then convince some young local daughter to “Jersey Turnpike” whilst her family looks on in partial approval, partial disbelief.  And now just think that right now some dude in the al qaeda is going home to beat his wife because she showed too much tooth when she smiled in public.  Funny how the world is, right?  Meanwhile, fast forward to later that night and Snooki and VaDeen are up for round two of more drinking.  Their insides must officially match their outsides.  For reasons that aren’t explained to anyone, Snooki is basically sporting Minnie Mouse ears.  I’m sure the locals think she’s a Kardashian.  Perhaps, Schecky.  Schecky Kardashian.

Everyone out at “da club” including the entire country of Italy hate the Jersey Shore cast.  They’re chanting the weakest insult-chant ever which is something about “shame.”  I mean why didn’t they just call them Pinnochio’s and end it 5th-grade style?  Grandpa Sitch is all enraged and trying to string together any Italian words to yell back at them.  Uh, he ends up with “I’ll mangia you!”  For real?  An Italian fetus knows more Italian words than Sitch.  The Douche Bag Brigade ends up having to leave “da club” via security because the crowd of oddly dressed Italians is getting rowdy.  They all end up going home, that is, except Snooki and VaDeena who are plowing through and are on to the next “da club.”  To no surprise, this place hates them too.  Per usual, they look like Danny Devito dressed in drag wearing horse legs as boots so, well, that’s not going to draw the right kind of crowd I’m guessing.  They spend a decent amount of time telling the people around them to back up and just let them dance, but when they finally escape to the safety of the bar, the bartender actually starts throwing ice at them.  At first even I thought that was rude, but then I realized that he was probably just trying to clean them up.  The other bartender should have been shooting Tide Sticks at them via a bow and arrow.  Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, this makes the meatballs freak out and they start smashing and throwing full bottles of liquor back at the bartenders until some huge bouncer who looks like Roz from Night Court picks them both up and carries them out of “da club.”  How those greasy little nuggets didn’t slip out of his hands is beyond me.  VaDeena, of course, takes all of this the best by screaming and swearing in the cab and then the same plays out once she’s back at the house.  If it’s one thing that makes VaDeena look prettier and thinner is when she slurs when she yells.  H-O-T.

I’m not even kidding, how Snooki and VaDeena don’t have alcohol poisoning is beyond me.  I mean, I got it just by watching them drink for 36 hours straight.  After they’re done ranting and raving they decide to get in the hot tub because, at the end of the day, everyone loves fat chicks soaking in their own recipe of douche stew.  My money is on the fact that I’m sure VaDeena got her period whilst inside and they just. kept. on. swimming.  After the hot tub the sun came up so they decided to not sleep, dress up like actual prostitutes, pose on the street at 7:30 am and then go to another restaurant and just keep drinking.  They, of course, both pass out at the table and are forced to go home where they’ll need to sleep off 29 consecutive days of drinking.  You can only imagine the amount of Shasta McNasty’s these two broads are shooting out on the regular each “morning after.”  #Gross.  Hash tag! Hash tag! Hash tag!

Luckily we get to break up the normal scenes and spend a little time with everyone hating Grandpa Sitch just like all of Italy hates them.  VaDeena ends up throwing a spatula at him and everyone basically ends up ignoring him every time he speaks or everyroom he enters just like I stated last week.  Some fight is-a-brewin’ over who is sharing rooms with whom when they go back to the Jersey Shore.  So, uh, that’s confirmed?  I thought they were all getting the ax after the Italy season?  I mean, either way I’m still tuning in because that, my friends, is what loser bloggers do.  They tune in and they die a little on the inside, which suits me well because I’m pretty much a hollow corpse.  In the end, even after Grandpa Sitch gets locked in the bathroom and Ronnie has to help him basically kick the door off the frame, he’s still all alone.  Even when he’s starting fights with randoms at “da club” and none of his roommates are there to help defend him, he’s still all alone.  How sad.  I mean, not really.  I’m sure he can snuggle up with his $5 million that he closed out 2010 with.  That helps.  That always helps.

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