Dear God. What in the hell happened to Jersey Shore? Remember when MTV decided to do 4 seasons of The Osbourne’s and towards the end even nuns would yawn at the all the swearing and illegal drugs use? Well this is same/same…but with tans. This was, literally, the longest hour of my life. Just when I thought there was only 20 minutes left I realized I was only 11 minutes deep. Nevertheless, let’s give this the old college try. Eh, make that the old “community college try” and I won’t put much effort into this and crap out half way through.
In case you all forgot, Vinny died. Yup, dead. Dirt nap. Staten Island dirt nap. Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is left with having to tell all of his oddly orange and pleasantly plump friends that Vinny is now with Jesus. I’m kidding. With Satan. Most of the cast could barely care as they’re dancing their fat asses off at Karma. The one with the fattest ass, VaDeena, is taking the news of Vinny’s passing like someone just told her they forgot to add the extra provolone cheese to her chicken parm sub. Clearly, tears were involved. VaDeena does her best crying whilst in a dirty bathroom stall all while JWoww tries to calm her down and pull the dress back over VaDeena’s backside FUPA. I’m not quite sure what that is but, well, it’s late and this sucks. Just like Snooki after unprotected sex and a 6 pack of peach wine coolers.
I’m don’t fully understand why the camera crew is following Vinny all the way home because it’s dumb. His mother, who again is most likely Joy Behar, just hugs him and keeps saying “good? good. good? good.” I thought she was supposed to say, “so what? who cares?!” Most importantly there is all wood paneling inside his family home and asbestos shingles on the outside. Basically it’s a carbon copy of Pedophile Manor back in the Jersey Shore. I have to admit that I’m glad that Vinny is safe at home and not dead like I originally thought. I hope he gets a good night sleep and some mental rest. Moreover (bonus points for using that term), I hope he uses his mom’s fluffy perm as a pillow and her drooping bosom as a blanket. What? You know you hope those things too. You do hope those things too, right? Riiiight?
Later all the normal crap happens where Snooki and VaDeena get dressed up like midget whores and decide to go day-drinking. I’m sorry, I never promote eating disorders but after looking at these two trying to pour themselves into their mini-skirts I have to admit a couple of games of “Whoops I almost swallowed my toothbrush” certainly wouldn’t hurt their girlish figures. Snooki gets so drunk that VaDeena needs to check with her to make sure she can still walk. I think technically she should have asked her if she could still waddle, but why split weave hairs at this point. I may have lapsed into a coma for a spell, but when I came to Team Meatball was having a dance-off with a bunch of tweens. They were dancing like they were hookers-in-waiting and their pimp was waiting to collect. Hit me again, Ike! Seriously they were bending over, humping each other, humping the tweens, humping the ground, humping imaginary dancers. To sum up, there was a lot of humping going on. They finish their seizure-like dance-off by both falling on the ground with their vagiolas in the air and then going home. You see, the people of Jersey can simply take no more.
The “girls” stay home long enough to literally rip the weave out of VaDeena’s head. Due to all the humping, VaDeena’s weave is in knots, as is my stomach from watching good old sausage arms trying to dance “sexy.” Luckily Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is there to help free VaDeena’s rotting-bed-bug-infested weave from her scalp. For reasons unbeknownst to me, they place all the weave strands into a half-filled bathtub. Clearly, this is the secret ingredient in a customary Douche Bag Stew. Add bronzer for additional flavoring and then just let it simmer for about an hour.
Sidenote: It was good to see The Unit again even it was just for a few seconds before he got into a fight at “da club” and got thrown out. It was good to see him because it was enough time for me to finally realize that he 100% has Kramer’s hair. I know I feel better now.
It must be everyone’s lucky night because everyone is bring home the garbage from the club. Pauly D brings home some Bosnian chick who keeps talking about Grilled Cheese sandwiches for breakfast. I’m not sure why I capitalized that but I’m leaving it. Grandpa Sitch brought home that girl who looks like she was, and still is, being molested by her step-daddy, and even our little VaDeena found the twin of some guy she kissed last season. She actually asks him what kind of guy he is and then she says, “I know I look like a nut case, but I’m a really nice girl.” She should have said, “I know I look like your Italian Nonni in a housecoat, but I’m getting bank for this sh*t.” Apparently the Bosnian chick doesn’t want to bang Pauly D and after she suggests they “talk” in his bedroom he immediately calls her a cab. He should have called INS. After she leaves she comes back about 5 minutes later saying she doesn’t want to go home and, instead, would like to see Grandpa Sitch. That’s nice. And creepy. I used to think so highly of Bosnia before this and now, well, now I’m not so sure. I’m kidding. I didn’t even know Bosnia was a real place. I thought that was the place that Harry Potter learned his magic. I’m kidding. I’ve never read nor seen Harry Potter movies. Clearly, I know Bosnia was the name of the girl from Destiny’s Child that got kicked out right before Beyonce decided to just keep the group at 3. Duh.
The rest of this blogging death sentence consists of Pauly D’s and Grandpa Sitch’s birthday. They’re both now legally able to take Centrum Silver. Centrum Silver: Because It’s Great to Be Silver! Pauly D’s whole family surprises him at Pedophile Manor and his mom brings a birthday gift for him which is, of course, his barber. Thank God because I was thinking Pauly D was starting to look like Kid from Kid-n-Play. It is 100% insane how Pauly D looks like a completely different person when he’s wearing a black hair cape and has his hair wet, in curls, and held up by Snooki’s banana clips. Now you know I think Pauly D is the best thing to happen to this show and, well, society, but he literally looks like a woman when his hair is wet. At first I was like, “Aww that’s nice his mom is getting a perm right now, but when is it Pauly D’s turn? Oh.” Seconds later his hair is dry and matted down to his head and I am at a loss for words. It would be just like if I ever saw VaDeena say “no thank you” when offered a second helping. Awww. What did VaDeena ever do to me!?
In the end, Grandpa Sitch throws a hissy-b*tch-fit because everyone is making a big deal out of his birthday and not Sitch’s. Even the girls made a cake for Pauly D with white icing hair on it. Sitch is so upset that he slams the deck door and sits outside by himself whilst he uses his alien-like fingers to daintily dab the tears away from his eyes, careful to not smudge is make-up. I bet he would feel better if he could rest his head on Vinny’s mom’s fluffy perm and use her drooping bosom as a blanket. Try it.