Jersey Shore Recap: Snooki Fights Angelina, but Not Stereotypes

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I know, I know.  I missed the Jersey Shore recap last week.  I will blame the flu-shot, the recession, global warming, the war in Iraq, razorblades in Halloween apples, allergy season, and the entire cast of 227.  I know I have let you all down but, let’s face it, absence makes the heart grow fonder and we can just agree to disagree.  Now that we’re all clear, here’s what went down last night on the Jersey Shore:

  • We pick up where we left off last week after Angelina Trash Bags said that Grandpa Situation looks like Popeye and Grandpa Sitch called Angelina a “dirty little hamster.”  Angelina tried to punch the tan off of Grandpa Situation and even threatened to crack a glass over his head.  Just so we’re all on the same page, we get to watch Amber (from Teen Mom) beat the bag out of Gary and we get to see Angelina punch Grandpa Situation in the face, but last season we weren’t allowed to see some drunk dude punch Snooki in the facia brute?  Makes sense.
  • Grandpa Sitch calls a house meeting and they end up kicking out Angelina’s guy-o-da-night who may or may not have said one word out loud in two episodes.  Also, I think he’s 15 so Angelina should be grateful she just side-stepped statutory rape charges.
  • Trying to calm Angelina down her fellow garbage bag friend tells her she can do whatever she wants, including sleeping with 10 guys a night if she chose to.  Oh.  Wait.  That’s supposed to help the situation right now?  It’s like, “Angelina if you want to sleep with so many guys that you can park a yellow school bus between your stumpy legs, go for it!”  This chick is polluting the house with skank.
  • Suddenly the house meeting breaks out into a middle-school dance and the guys stay in the house and the girls head outside.  This is where Angelina says pretty much the only funny thing of her time on this show, which is, “You’re not even good looking.  You look like you’re 50 years old.”  Awesome.  As a sidenote, speaking of people who look like they’re 50…Grandpa Sitch and Lindsay “No Pants” Lohan would be a match made in heaven.  My heaven, at least.
  • JWoww ShamWow and her soaking wet sweaty hair ends up pulling Angelina aside to give her some advice on staying in the house and not letting them win.  She even tells Angelina that she deserves to be here.  Who is this ShamWow and what did she do with the real ShamWow?  I miss the one who tells Angelina that she can stay and get her ass beat, or stay and get her ass beat, or stay and get her ass beat.  Where’d she go?  Perhaps she’s out purchasing ham and water to end her night?
  • Is it wrong that I’m totally digging “T-Shirt Time” song?  It’s catchy.  Plus, Pauly D is totally becoming the unsung hero of this season.
  • Grandpa Situation’s girl, Samantha, stops by the house so that she can get some camera time, get banged, grab an STD, and end it all with an egg sandwich.  Basically she ordered a “#3” off the Grandpa Sitch Devalued Menu.
  • Samantha is kind of hot, well hot for the house, and reminds me of a Canadian version of Jayde from “The Hills.”  Also, there is not doubt in my mind that it’s part of her daily routine to pop the “morning after” pill before she brushes her teeth.
  • Like, what do you do if you’re known as the girl from Jersey Shore who got banged on national television?  I guess it’s better than being known as the girl who never went to Paris.  LC I’m talking to you.
  • Meanwhile the Douche Bag Brigade heads out to “da club” so they can all do awkward dance moves while standing or sitting (Sammi) and I can get red-faced with embarrassment.  Samantha the Canadian Shih Tzu fights off some girls who are trying to molest Grandpa Sitch.  She may be a good replacement for Angelina when she quits the show for the 10th time.
  • Grandpa Sitch ends up bringing back Samantha (boobless Selma Hayek) to the house so he can violate her and since she clearly is a slam pig with no morals she decides to moan loudly and even scream whilst having “da sex” with “Da Sitch.”  The producers must have them keep a mic-pack strapped on to their bodies even during the dirty.  Either that or there’s a guy with a boom mic standing awkwardly over their bed.  They’re either playing opera music or MTV has edited it into the scene do drown out the mating calls.  Pigs.
  • Angelina and her “friend” Jose end up sleeping in Grandpa Situations bed because her other friend, “Garbage Heap” is passed out in Angelina’s bed.  Let me just say that the Three Bears are going to be pissed when they get home.
  • Sitch is pissed that Angelina and Jose slept in his bed even after they said “thank you” and “sorry” to Sitch and another fight is about to break out. When is Snooki going to fight Angelina?  This better not be in the last 10 seconds of the show or I’m going to re-start my letter writing campaign.
  • Speaking of Snooki why are we 40 minutes into this episode and we barely see her?
  • After Pauly D/Ellen Travolta wakes everyone up in the morning by screaming “wake up yeah, get up yeah” the guys head out to do a GTL and almost puke in the car after they smell what they assume is Snooki’s vomit, but ends up being a chicken and cheese sandwich left in the car for days.  Sure that’s gross, but what’s even more interesting is that they can somehow identify Snooki’s puke in under 10 seconds.  How much is Snooki puking?  Let’s look into that, shall we?
  • Whilst at the gelato shop, Snooki makes a list of her “ideal guy” which, to no surprise, is a tanned juice-head guido.  Yawn.  However, she wants him to have her personality and her style.  So basically she wants him to scream “waaah” and wear bedazzled trucker hats, cameltoe short-shorts, and purple socks that go up to her knees like she’s wearing right now.  I think it’s officially time to leave Miami, pack up the bronzer, and head back to the Jersey Shoe (b*tch) because what Snooki is looking for is like shooting fish in a barrel there.
  • Later JWoww ShamWow doesn’t want to see her boyfriend Tom O’Mally to leave and she even starts to cry.  Wait, what?  JWoww is crying?  I thought she could only cry from her penis?  Odd.
  • We later learn that Snooki’s list of the “ideal guido” also consists of someone who likes to frolic, likes pickles, pays for meals, is a nympho, and, of course, is a gorilla.  Snooki claims she doesn’t want to go back to Match.com, but clearly this personals ad writes itself.
  • Everyone is going out to dinner and then “da club” and they ask Angelina is she wants to go, but she says she wants to decide what she wants to do for herself first and then figure out what she wants to do and then do what she wants to do.  No really, she says that.  You know, this pisses me off.  It’s like, you’re on a successful TV show that little girls in NJ dream of being on, so stop threatening to quit and shut the F up.
  • Whilst at “da club” Snooki is sporting her “freakin poof,” her Teresa Guidice headband, her 1987 banana clip, and her oversized Olsen-Twins sunglasses all at the same time.  I’m pretty sure that’s considered a Guidette Power-Look.  Snooki is definitely dressed to land herself a man…or land herself in the insane asylum.  Whichever comes first.
  • Snooki ends up failing with her ideal juice-head gorilla guido, but does end up finding another tanned guy, Alex, who happened to be the guy that Angelina hooked up with in the past.  Snooki literally pushes him onto “da couch” and screams in his face “make out with me.”  Brilliant and scary all at the same time.  I hate to think of the Smurfs as sexual.
  • Everyone heads home to find Angelina’s luggage lined up outside.  I’m very sad about this.  I’m sad because it’s actually luggage and not trash bags.
  • As a completely random sidenote, is Mrs. Pool in the new Taco Bell commercials?  That is her, right?  She lost a ton of weight, yeah?  I bet she did that lap-band surgery that all “the fats” are wild about.  Moving on.
  • Once Snooki brings home Alex this is when the fight between Snooki and Angelina will finally take place.  Amen.  Although they’re fighting verbally about “sloppy seconds” but let’s face it, these girls have been through so many guys they can’t even keep track of who had the guy first and who is doing sloppy-seconds.  And, more importantly I think that term should be changed from “sloppy seconds” to “Snooki Seconds.”  In fact, I think Snooki should change her name from Nicole Polizzi to Snooki Seconds.  It’s a solid porn name and, well, we all know that’s where Snooki is heading in 5 to 10, you know, after she serves jail time.
  • Anyguid, Angelina yells out that everyone in the house is fake and she can’t stand any of them.  This is when Snooki takes off her earrings and kind of charges Angelina on the couch, but in slow motion.  They end up just holding each others hair and taking a lot of breaks because they’re both horribly out of shape.  Next, the fight goes down to the floor but only because they’ve rolled down to it and are still kind of just holding each others hair on the floor now.  JWoww steps in to rip Angelina off of Snooki.  They’re separated now, but out of nowhere Angelina ends up charging Snooki and knocking her to the ground and they wrestle around for a few seconds while the rest of the house just stands in a circle around them and laughs and cheers them on.  Remember back in the day on the Real World when someone hit another roommate and the producers would kick them off the show?  Wow, how far we’ve come.
  • In the end after Snooki is screaming, “I’m still pretty, I’m still pretty” Angelina gets her luggage and heads out “for good.”  She does try to make one last appeal to Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie, but they want nothing to do with her and Angelina bows out.  I’m sure we’ll see her on Season 3.  This is probably her way to guarantee she’ll be asked back.  Join Me on Facebook!

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