Today is a highly emotional day around the corporate headquarters of IBBB, as we bid farewell to Jersey Shore. It’s times like this I scream up to the heavens, “Why God? Why do you put good things in our life just to take them away from us!?” It’s too soon. It’s. Just. Too. Soon. I would like to start this Jersey Shore recap the same way I would like to end it, with touching songs. The first is to the tune of “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” by REO Speedwagon. Please, all, sing along with me.
And even as I wonder,
I’m waiting for a fight,
You’re a Dep bottle in the window,
On a cold, dark winters night.
And JWOWW’s weave really gives me such a friiiiight.
And I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her foooooor,
It’s time to say goodbye to the Jersey Shore,
And throw away the bronzer, forever.
Cuz I can’t fight this Snooki anymore,
I’ve forgotten why I started fighting her fooooooor,
And if you call The Situation a bore,
Ronnie will punch you through the door,
Snooki, I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
On to the Jersey Shore Season Finale Recap:
- Oh yeah I totally forgot that Ronnie was arrested for knocking out the Boardwalk Heckler in “one shot, one shot kid.” I guess after you see so many fights they all start to just merge into one distant memory…kinda like Angelina.
- Sammi SweatStains and Snooki and Snooki’s corset are all freaking out back at the house about what to do to get Ronnie out of jail. Whilst munching on a rice cake, Snooki in a Snooki-like panic asks if she should call 911 because, you know, that’s what they’re there for. Sammi is whining that she doesn’t know what to do because she’s never been in this situation before. Really? Never? Not even, like, the other day? Or last week? Or last month? Or the entire summer last year? Or with her dad in 1999? Fine. I “believe” you.
- Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is in bed with Danielle the Israeli stalker while Vinny and his eyebrows fill them in on what happened to Ronnie. Classic Danielle responds by saying, “they’re acting like Israeli’s right now.” Really? I didn’t see anyone ducking behind a rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street throwing rocks at the other person who was ducking behind another rusted out abandon car that was on fire on the side of the dirt-road street. Did you?
- Snooki’s corset and boobs finally figure out how use the duck phone and when she calls the local jail she just asks for “Ronnie.” No last name. No other information. Just Ronnie. This is the Jersey Shore, Snooki, I’m sure the other 15 guys he’s sharing a jail cell with are named Ronnie and the other half are named Sal.
- Ronnie will be in the slammer until 6:30 AM and Sammi SweatStains is more concerned that she’ll be sleeping alone for the first time since they all arrived at the Jersey Shore. Maybe she can put a wife-beater on her extensions and a little gel and pretend it’s Ronnie? I’m kidding. A lot of gel.
- In the morning after they realized it’s not Snooki just farting in her Guidette slumber, and answer the duck phone, Sammi picks up Ronnie at Attica. Ronnie feels that he doesn’t belong in jail, but his Ed Hardy tight t-shirt with a sparkly sword doing down the back begs to differ.
- Well everyone learns their lesson and move on with their lives. Grandpa Situation is busy calling all the girls he met at the Shore, but has to leave them messages because they are not answering their phones, as it’s tricky to get cell service whilst in the free clinic. Since that’s a bust, the guys just decide to have a “guys night out.” Snooki decides to call Keith the farmer and JWOWW is giving her some dating advice. That’s like a lepar giving advice on how to keep your fingers from falling off. Well, you know what I mean.
- Gorilla Central Alert: As if I didn’t think JWoww ShamWow could hit even more of an all time low, the “next day” she’s out on the Boardwalk and see’s all these guys walking around that she decides to reference as “Gorillas.” One would think this was a derogatory comment, but not according to ShamWow. For ShamWow, this is her ultimate guy. Her “prince” if you will.
- JWoww ShamWow literally runs home to wake up Snooki to let her know that there are “juice-heads” everywhere. This is where our Guidette lesson begins. From Snooki we learn what a juice-head is. Snooki snook’s, “A juice-head is a hot Italian tanned guy, typically muscly, loves working out and looking buff and brawn.” Funny, that’s the same exact way I order my Italian subs.
- As if the Douche-Bag Brigade isn’t tan enough, they all decide to go to the beach for the first time all summer because, you know, they missed that there was an ocean in their backyard. Grandpa Situation hits on some chick, Sam, that looks about 16 years old. Someone check Sitch’s laptop for kiddie porn because I’m pretty sure you’ll find it. You’ll find kiddie porn and about 108 pictures of Grandpa Sitch taking a picture of himself in the bathroom mirror with him holding his shirt up and squinting his eyes. Just a hunch.
- Poor Snooki. Like a turkey thermometer about to pop, she leaves the beach and heads home to call Keith the farmer one more time to ask him out on a date. Keith decides to not take Snooki up on her offer and she hangs up on him. Next up, Snooki whines the entire length of the Boardwalk dressed in a too tight white and black dress with her fupa fuping all around as she walks. She then, for some inexplicable reason, decides to have a dance-off outside by herself. She lunges at the camera a lot when she dances but, hell, she did that all season anyway. I think she thinks the camera is a person. If there were some gel on the camera microphone I’m sure she’d ask it out. Anywax, while Snooki dances some randoms join in. Everyone seems confused, the people watching, the people dancing, the people walking by, and me. I have no idea what is going on. Snooki’s ex-boyfriend who is up on the balcony won’t even come down to say hi to her. You kinda knew it was bad as his face was blurred out. Most likely if they don’t want their face shown, they may not be into you anymore. I mean the kid who actually punched Snooki in the face on camera signed the release form and showed his face, but her ex-boyfriend would not. Pooooooor Snooki.
- Later that night, the guys go to play pool and talk about their plans for the future, which literally consist of carpooling to Rhode Island. That’s right, dream big guys! Meanwhile, Sammi and Ronnie leave Seaside to go to a fancy dinner. I’m not sure how fancy the dinner can be if you show up in a t-shirt, but what do I know? I wear shoes to a restaurant and chew my food before talking. I’m a caveman like that.
- Snooki cries her way home from wherever the hell she was and Grandpa Situation gives her a pep talk and gets her in the crab shack hot tub. Honestly, you couldn’t pay me to stick one foot in the hot tub. Although I’d probably float on top of it because of that whole “oil doesn’t mix with water” scenario. It’s like the Dead Sea. Is that the one I’m thinking of? Eh, semantics. Wait, is that the word I’m thinking of? Either way, Snooki’s boobs are now floating in the hot tub and she and Grandpa Situation are kissing and I’m cringing and red in the face with secondhand embarrassment. As I peek out of one eye with my hands covering my face, did I notice that Grandpa Situation keeps moving his head away from Snooki like he’s trying to dodge raindrops? I bet kissing Snooki taste’s like salami and crackers.
- The remainder of the episode consists of the gang sitting around and talking about the summer and all their favorite times. They all think it will be a great idea to get a Jersey Shore house next summer and, you know what, I agree. But let’s not wait until the end of the summer to start filming this again. Start at Memorial Day and end at 4th of July. Deal?
- Well it’s been a great summer and a great time recapping this crap. I’m dumber for it and I hope you are too.
And now we shall end this with a touching rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Gone Too Soon.”
Like a Guidette blazing ‘cross the Jersey sky,
Gone too soon.
Like some crust turned into Vinny’s pink eye,
Gone too soon.
Like Snooki’s crotchless backflip at “da club,”
Gone too soon.
Like the skunk hair that JWOWW would sport, which surely gave a fright,
Gone too soon.
Like Ronnie teasing Sammi’s Fred Flintstone toe on a warm summer night,
Gone too soon.
Like The Situation explaining what The Situation means for 15 minutes in episode one,
Gone too soon.
Like a duck phone that confused the entire house for the entire month,
Gone too soon.
Like Angelina moving in with nothing but trash bags and leaving early with the same,
Gone too soon.
Like DJ Pauly D’s Israeli stalker making him a shirt,
Gone too soon.
Like Snooki getting the bag beat out of her at least once per episode,
Gone too soon.
Like these Jersey Shore recaps that were sure to rot your brain,
Gone too soon.
Gone too soon.
Let’s Be Facebook Friends and Get Through This Together!
Let’s play the Jersey Shore Picture Trivia Game one last time:
