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Gail the Snail is Back – While Snooki is out in Long Island comforting JWoww ShamWow after her boyfriend ransacked her home, Ryder shows up at Pedophile Manor to bring a lot of awkward “blah” to the house. Why does she always look like she just crawled out of a hollowed-out dumpster after unprotected sex with a homeless midget all whilst improvising sex toys with rotten heads of lettuce that the local Italian restaurant threw out just moments beforehand? Anyway, she’s forced to sit and talk to Vinny and VaDeena and she’s really living up to her “Gail the Snail” persona as Vinny asks her what she’s been up to and she just lifelessly says, “I just turned 22.” Gail the Snail! I was waiting for her to finish that sentence by saying, “So that means I’m a woman now. Want me to give you a handy under the table?” And what’s up with those eyebrows? The McDonalds logo has less arches (hey-oh!).
I’ll Take “Sounds That VaDeena Likes and Makes for $200” – After a day of doing shots and having turrets-like outbursts, VaDeena and Gail the Snail head back home to pop open a bottle of wine. After VaDeena pulls out the cork she smiles and says how she loves the way it makes that popping sound. For those of you playing along at home, yes, it makes the same noise when VaDeena is wearing a short jean skirt and doing splits on her mothers linoleum floor…if you know what I mean…and I think you do because, well, I’m a 12 year old.
Hey Sexy, Show Me Your C-Section – It’s another night at the one club that’s apparently in the Jersey Shore so, of course, I’m talking about Karma. Seriously when I die and go to hell (as God plans for me), this will be it. I will be forced to spend my eternity in a place where the music just plays on repeat, “Mmm ch, mmm ch, mmm ch, mmm ch” and complete douchey-deli-cinderelli’s all perform seizure-like dance moves whilst pouring sweat. So, yeah, that’s that. Yawnie is chatting it up with some girl and the other Yawnie comes busting over to find out who the girl is. When Yawnie tells Yawnie that it’s his friends Mike’s girlfriend who has a baby, Yawnie calms down a little but is still a bit jealous so the only way to convince her everything is fine is to threaten to show Yawnie her C-section. How does Yawnie know she had a C-section? I’m sure if the cameras weren’t there Yawnie would have moved from inspecting her C-section to inquiring about any vaginal-births she may have had as well. Then he would have placed a glowstick in it danced around it. Oh, and Vinny found some Sicilian chick named Gina at “da club” who brought her uncle so, well, that’s creepy.
Let’s Just Say This Whole Fight/Episode Happened Because Ronnie and Sam are Trashed – If booze is what it took to get Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains out of bed and, somewhat, interesting then I’m fine with it. The entire night and majority of this episode is basically taking place because they are both 15 piss-stained sheets to the wind. Sammi is doing her typical, “You don’t love me/You hate me” routine that is seeded in horribly low self-esteem and an absentee father-figure in her life and even starts to go to bed fully clothed with her club-gear. Ron, of course, is repeatedly telling Sammi that “he’s done'” and how she lost “the last person in this house that you had.” Basically they’re reading from their “How to Fight Like Ron and Sammi All Whilst Alienating Your Roommates” guide.
Like an underpriced hooker at the end of the night, Ronnie orders Sammi to get the hell out of the house, pack her stuff, and go home. He was basically talking to her like he was trying to scare a cat off his front stairs. You better git! Sammi ends up downstairs to get some drunken pizza and has a change of heart and brings up a slice to Ronnie who is in process of literally throwing all of her clothes from her closet into multiple huge piles in the middle of their room. The best part is that when Sammi comes back up into the room to give Ronnie his slice of pizza (feed the beast) she doesn’t even notice for one second that her room as been 100% trashed. Seriously, it looks like a bedroom in Hoarders and Sammi doesn’t even bat an eye. Trash whore. Ronnie is, of course, more upset that Sam brought him a slice of pizza and not a protein shake. That’s just the roid-rage talking, that’s just the roid-rage.
The Grenade Whistle is the new GTL, I can Feel It – Look, I like Vinny, I do. He comes out with some good one-liners from time to time and I like the concept of “the grenade whistle,” I do. But I’m not quite sure if Vinny is the one that should be blowing that horn. That’s kind of like Precious standing outside of a Weight Watchers meeting and yelling “fat ass” at the top of her lungs. It’s like, we get it Vinny but you’re kind of only one of the cool kids by default, so don’t let that go to your head before I come up with the “Wonky Eye Kazoo,” ok? Deal? Deal.
Slurring With the Enemy – After Vinny’s girl Gina’s uncle comes to the house to take her away (because none of that was scripted) and one of the grenades heads home for the night, Ronnie is left laying on the couch to cry like a runty little b*tch who’s always wearing t-shirts that fit like dresses on him. But, have no fear, because JWoww ShamWow is there to comfort Ronnie and really break the ice. Speaking of ice, I’m assuming she just got back from a figure-skating competition as she is still wearing half of her costume which consists of fluffy white feathers with her boobs hanging out. Seriously, if I didn’t know any better I would think that Donald Duck was motorboating that son-of-a-b*tch. Anyquack, while JWoww tries to comfort Ronnie as he cries she keeps talking as fast as she can, in a whisper, and keeps looking all around like she’s Anne Frank or like Sammi is about to pop out from around the corner at any minute, throw a net over JWoww’s head, and drag her into a white van and take her to prison. Later their conversation heads outside (with JWoww in a new shirt) and both she and Ron apologize to each other. Things seem peaceful, until Grandpa Sitch tells Sammi that Ron is outside talking to Sham.
The Punch Heard ‘Round the Juicehead World – After Sammi finds out Ron is talking to JWoww she is screaming from the balcony down to Ronnie, “Are you friends with her or not?” She actually says it, at minimum, 27 times. It’s like shut the F up, OCD. Sammi then brings the same line of questioning down to the deck so she can get in Ronnie’s face and ask him over and over again. When Ronnie finally confirms that he is friends with JWoww, Sammi wastes no time and then (in the brilliancy of Family Guy) Pow! Right in the Kisser. Pow! Right in the Kisser. Pow! Right in the Kisser. Pow! Right in the Kisser. Pow! Right in the Kisser! Pow! Right in the Kisser. She punches Ronnie right across the face. How her fist didn’t immediately slide off due to all the grease is a complete phenomenon.
Sammi SweatStains now realizes that she needs to go home so she calls her mom at 5am to come and get her. However, things take a turn when all the roommates try to convince Sammi to stay. Uh, really? I thought they all hated her all season? Was that just me? Sometimes it’s hard to decipher as I have a lot of hate in my heart for randoms on TV.
I’m Sorry For, Uh, Punching You in the Face – Just as Sammi is about to leave the house she goes out to talk to Ronnie one last time (hit me again, Ike!) and starts off the conversation the exact way any white-trash-dumpster would start an apology, “I’m sorry for punching you in the face.” How come it’s ok for Sammi to do this, but when Amber did it to Gary the world basically imploded? Is it because there are different fighting rules and regulations for trailer park fat asses? Ronnie decides (for 25 seconds) to not respond to Sammi’s apology and heads upstairs but, seconds later, Sammi follows him and they eventually get into bed, hug it out one last time, and then decide that Sammi should stay in the house. Yeah, as the minutes turn into hours and you start to sober up you must finally realize how ridiculous you are and how much it sucks that you were such a complete D-bag on a national highly rated television show.
A Moment For Grandpa Situations Hair – So, yeah, what’s up with Grandpa Sitch’s hair? He’s slowly turning into Little Richard from the very top of his head. It’s like long curls that are slowly morphing into bangs. None of this is ok. Moving on. Wooooooooooo! Shut up!
When All Else Fails….Stripper Pole – It’s date night for the rest of the house now that every has sobered up and Sammi decided to not move out. Everyone has dates with the exception of Snooki and Vinny for obvious reasons so they decide to go out together and buy a stripper pole. Snooki is so little couldn’t she just have swung around a toothpick? I have a feeling this isn’t the last we’ll see of that stripper pole. In related news, I’m sure this isn’t the last time we’ll hear the words “JWoww” and “Stripping” in the same sentence in our life time.
Rumors in a Barber Shop – Ok wait. Stop the press. What the F is everyone talking about? The guys head out to get their daily haircuts and the barber is informing them that the guy that VaDeena is “dating” (the Ronnie look-alike) told them that VaDeena likes to “Beep” the “Beep” and “Beeeep.” No joke, the next 10 minutes of this episode had me trying to figure out what they’re claiming that VaDeena did to that dude, Dean. All I know was that in the end I had horrific thoughts of VaDeena putting an LEGO set where the sun doesn’t shine, so I assumed I was off a bit. However, once everyone was at “da gym” I think I finally figured it out. The rumor was that VaDeena likes to lick Dean’s bum bum….and that’s putting it nicely because, at the end of the day, I’m a class act. Even if that rumor is true, there’s no way that that’s the most unsanitary place that VaDeena has put her mouth. I have to admit I was laughing out loud when VaDeena told JWoww and JWoww just burst out laughing. Good old Jersey Shore.
In the End – In the end the gang heads out to “da club” one more time and JWoww ShamWow decides to extend a sweaty olive branch to Sammi and they both decide to mend fences and be friends again. So let me get this right, now everyone in the house is friends? I’m sure most of you aren’t ok with this and I know I wasn’t at first, but then it got me to thinking. If they’re all friends now they can go back to their old ways of beating the bag out of people who don’t live in their house. It’s kind of a win-win.
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