Jersey Shore Recap: Pauly D’s Stalker 2.0

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So I’m convinced that when Grandpa Sitch is on the phone, there’s actually no one else on the other end.  Either that or he forgets that the call is on speaker phone and we can actually hear what the other person is saying.  This time around Sitch is chit-chattin’ with his boyfriend, The Unit, via the duck phone and we learn that VaDeena’s sister, Joanie (fitting) is dating Grandpa Sitch’s brother.  Why this is making it’s way on to the show is beyond me, but all I know is that it’s officially getting more camera time than Sam and Ron (stap Rahn, stap!) this season.  Seriously, are Ike and AnnaMae even on the show anymore?  I mean,  I never thought I’d say I miss their fighting but, well, I haven’t seen a bed thrown to and fro and it’s making my stomach feel homesick.  Either way, apparently Joanie is doing something sexual and dirty with Stich’s brother because they keep on beeping it out and Sitch just keeps saying, “Ohhhh!” the whole time.  I’ll assume she probably takes dumps on guys chests or licks bums or something.  Also, I picture Joanie took exactly like VaDeena, but with gray streaks in her hair and a little more 80’s.

Later everyone is out at “da club” and Vinny’s wonky eye is trying to juggle two chicks that he thinks are either a “5/6” or a “7/8” but his Beiber glasses must be a little foggy because one is about a “2/3” and the other one is a lesbian.  Why VaDeena isn’t Jersey Turnpiking that chicks steam wagon is one for the great philosophers.  Instead she’s keeping the “2/3” entertained whilst Vinny tries to convert the lesbian.  I’m sure Vinny’s “v-shaped” haircut is making her think that she’s actually talking to a lesbian right now but, alas, he’s actually a man.  Maybe  he can seal the deal if he (snicker snicker) shows her his (snicker snicker) “Let Go, Let God” tattoo across his chest (snicker snicker).  I’m sure he’s not regretting that yet.  Goon.  While the lesbian conversion process is going on, Snooki and VaDeena are dancing their fat asses off.  VaDeena is looking more and more like “witch costume” that Lucy is wearing during “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”  You know it, I know it, and that damn witch knows it.  Meanwhile, Snooki is so drunk and has no clue what’s going on, per usual, so she just decides to pull an Irish Goodbye and peace the F out.  This, of course, means that she’s stuck at a window thinking it’s a door, but slowly makes her way out onto the Boardwalk, stumbles home, and falls into bed like a good Snooki does.  P.S., her fury boots must smell like feces and shame.  In that order.

The next morning after Snooki wakes up, falls off the hammock, and then sweeps the Smoosh Room bed with a broom and falls back asleep with the broom in between her legs…it’s time to go to work!  This is the part that I never understand.  Why are they working?  And not only are they working, but they’re forced to work.  It’s not like Teen Mom where the girls pretend they don’t have any money and need the paycheck.  This crew basically admits they don’t need the money and, clearly, don’t have the skills to hold down “work.”  And the worst is that Danny Tanner from the musty T-shirt Shop always throws a b*tch fit every time someone is sleeping on the job or, in Snooki and VaDeena’s case, go running from the store and into a bar.  He should be grateful that they do this or his dumb store would probably never make the final edit.  Things turn into an episode of Tom & Jerry when Team Sausage Arms runs from the store and Danny Tanner ends up finding them drinking and dancing at the bar up the street.  Snooki of course just tries to hide under a bar stool and when he says, “Snooki I see you” she just literally runs from him.  VaDeena looks confused, in the same way I’m sure she looked as a child trying to understand the concept of Hide-N-Seek.

The crapisode and season as a whole isn’t going so well for JWoww.  You see she’s fighting with Roger, who isn’t paying enough attention to her, and she’s feeling like she’s got a case of “the sads.”  Personally I think she’s over this show and is praying to sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom Mary that Dancing With the Stars gives her a call so she can peace out from this junk once and for all.  I miss the days of JWoww being trashed with skunk hair and buying packages of ham and water after a night out at “da club.”  Didn’t those seem like simpler times?  Yawn. Meanwhile we all get to take part in the birth of a new Pauly D/Ellen Travolta stalker!  This chick looks nuts, which makes me immediately like her.  First off she’s always dressed in a Pauly D trucker hat with a tight yellow t-shirt that says “Cabs are Here” and she sits outside of all the places that Pauly D goes and, in most cases, walks along side of him on the Boardwalk with a smirk on her face and dead-bunny-in-a-boiling-pot look in her eyes.  Oh, and she also looks like Taylor Lautner in a wig.  So there’s that too.  I can’t tell if she’s orange or actually another race.  Either way, she’s a murder-suicide dream come true.

Since Vinny doesn’t feel like he’s got an upset stomach anymore he’s back to his old tricks like bringing the stalker over to Pauly D, who genuinely seems scared for his life, to introduce her.  She walks all slovenly over to Pauly D and extends her hand (that’s probably been down her shorts the whole time) with this creepy gap-toothed smile on her facia bruta.  We learn her name is Vanessa and she is clearly a messa.  See what I did there?  I’m like a blogging rapper or some sh*t.  After Vinny scrams (sidenote:  I’m incorporating the word “scram” back into my daily lingo) Pauly D is left to make smalltalk with the stalker who apparently wears the same outfit every day and must stink like sweat, a little piss, and a lot of desperation.  In her defense, we’ve all been there.  They awkwardly just look at each other for a few seconds until Pauly D goes running to the bathroom and Vanessa the Stalker kind of giggles away, never to been seen of or heard from again.  Most likely directly after this she went home to drill herself for a spell.

Nothing else interesting really went down after this.  I mean, we did get to hear Grandpa Sitch talk to VaDeena’s sister, Joanie, on the phone and, well, that was interesting.  She 100% sounds like Lois Griffin on the phone and now I’m convinced more than ever that she probably looks like her too.  Let’s see, what else?  Oh.  Ronnie bought the game Toss and Snooki played in a box for a little while.  Not the first time and certainly not the last.  In the end, JWoww decides to call Roger after Pauly D and Vinny convince her that she was wrong and should apologize.  The conversation takes a turn for the worse when Roger decides it’s his time to “vent” and basically tells her to grow up and stop being so insecure.  He’s totally going to regret this if she ends up on Dancing With the Stars…as will America.  As.  Will.  America.

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