I used to really look forward to the night when Jersey Shore was on. Now I give it the classic side-eye like I do when I see “the kids” still trying to pull off the “hipster” look in the poor parts of NYC. Yawn. Either way, I watched it so I’ll write a little ditty about it…just without the rhymes. But how awesome would that be if I rhymed this whole thing? Everyone is still so scriptedly sad that Vinny and his wonktastic eye is still living in Staten Island, as are the people in Staten Island, and even Grandpa Sitch pulled “the dip” and hasn’t been back since (about 2 hours). The Danny Tanner of the T-Shirt Store comes by Pedophile Manor (because the producers called him and made him) to scare the roommates into thinking that he’s going to hire some new T-shirt sellers if they can’t get their sh*t together. Everyone looks scared but mainly because Danny Tanner is the whitest thing in their house, with the exception of that one stray white hair that you totally know has sprouted by VaDeena’s inseam. At no point does Danny Tanner say that they’re going to get a new roommate, but for the remainder of the crapisode they all keep crying and pouting that they don’t want another roommate because they’ll never know what the rest of them went through for the past 5 houses. Really? You mean prospective roommates are sans eyes? Because I’m pretty sure you can watch these episodes to figure it all out. I mean, even if they hadn’t seen it they can sum up 5 seasons by one overarching theme: Y’all Got Herp.
Meanwhile, the girls are planning a surprise party at Karma (puke) for both Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Sitch. They’re in the process of meeting with the guy who gets the strippers, which I’m pretty sure is called a pimp. This guy is great. He’s on camera and asking them what kind of things they want the strippers to do to the guys. If JWoww ShamWow wasn’t talking this guy down a bit he was about one suggestion away from suggesting an abortion being performed on Grandpa Sitch’s bare chest. I can’t wait to see what these “walking itches” look like. P.S., how “over all this” is JWoww? She can give almost as much of a sh*t as I give about this. The only difference is that she’s getting paid for this and I’m doing this as community service. Oh, and she’s orange and I’m as white as VaDeen’s one stray hair. You know the one (insert sidewards winky face).
Even after a call to Debbie Downer’s Vinny’s house, he’s still not ready to come back to Pedo Manor quite yet and won’t be making it to the surprise party. I don’t care. Everyone gets to Karma and then “surprise!” people shoot silly string and feces at the guys because it’s their birthday. I have to be honest, Grandpa Sitch looked relieved that he would be able to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of the night. And now: Enter the Strippers. They are wheeled out in what is supposed to be birthday cakes, but it basically looks like VaDeena’s granny panties wrapped around a steel contraption (like my heart). The strippers bust out of the “cakes” and the guys are squealing with delight. It’s a shame that Valtrex didn’t shoot out of the cakes as well…or at least out of the strippers “gentlemen greeters,” you know, for good measure. Grandpa Sitch seems to be taking a liking to his stripper, who pretty much looks like Natalie Green with a Blair Warner fright-wig on. The party goes off without a hitch (whatever the hell that expression is supposed to mean) and Sitch ends up bringing home his stripper who has a faux-meltdown because she wants new socks to put on. Uh, does she have a new vaginastein to put on because I’m pretty sure the current one is rotten, moldy, and smells like the back of Ronnie’s neck. Alas, they apparently just “cuddle” and in the morning he calls her a cab…and makes her wait outside for it. At least she’ll have some company because Pauly D’s busted chick is out there too. It should be really fun for the neighbors, however, because now they can play “Who’s the Stripper and Who’s the Skank.” This game usually ends in a tie because technically they’re both skanks.
The only part of this episode that was actually kinda funny was when Snooki and VaDeena bought those bunny outfits, humped each other, and then put the costume on later in order to scare the weave off of JWoww. When I heard the laughter coming out of my mouth I immediately rolled my eyes at myself and shouted, “You’re a loser, IBBB.” Moving on. The “next night” a bunch of the crew goes out for a couples night out. This forces VaDeena to flip through the Yellow Pages until she lands on someone who will be her date for the night. All of this was a complete snooze except for the 10 seconds at “da club” when the bouncers are pulling Sammi SweatStains off of some other girl and they’re kicking and screaming on the floor. You can’t see who is who, but in the end they toss Sammi out of “da club” with her extensions scattered to and fro. I was let down that we didn’t see how this fight started, who else was involved, or any other specifics. Ugh, if only there was a camera crew hired to capture these moments. Oh, wait. Fail.
In the end, everyone misses Vinny and his glowing personality so much that they make up t-shirts with the unfunny sayings that Vinny never says, gas up the trucks, and head on out to a horrific place called Staten Island so they can throw a net over his head and bring him back to the Jersey Shore to ride out the rest of their summer…and his legally binding contract. They pound on his door until someone (the camera man on the other side of it) opens the door and they immediately run up stairs (passing the messy patchwork on the walls) to his bedroom. Surprise! You knew they were coming! My favorite part was seeing Vinny’s mom at the end of the hallway looking frightened and like she just got banged in a rusted out dumpster (or Vinny’s bed…wink, wink, elbow nudge, wink, wink). Before Vinny can come back to Pedo Manor he needs to show them the new tattoo he got…directly across his chest…that says…wait for it…wait for it…”Let Go, Let God.” That’s nice. You totally know God was all, “Yeah, no I’m good. Thanks though.” Apparently he’ll only be banging nuns now. Eh, good for him. Hopefully this helps him not be crazy. He ends up packing up his laundry bag and heads back in the van and driving off into the sunset. Not for nothing, but if Vinny suffers from depression, perhaps he should have lived in a home that had windows in it.
Wanna pretend fist-pumping is still funny? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s talk about it. Or not.