Jersey Shore Recap: JWOWW Punches the Tan Off Grandpa Situation While Pauly D’s Israeli Stalker Needs to Stay Back 100 Feet

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There is no reason, ever, why Jersey Shore should be on for 2-hours.  Award shows don’t take up as much time as Jersey Shore did last night.  I was trying to hit record on my Tivo with one hand, whilst trying to fight off Mr. Sandman with the other hand.  I don’t know why that sounds sexual.  Mr. Sandman is not the name of my private regions, just to make that clear.  Although, maybe it should be.  Now where was I?  Ah yes, Jersey Shore.  Here’s a little bit of what went down last night.  I like to call this recap: Jersey Shore Lite: Less Filling, Tastes Terrible.

  • If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this show, it’s never to tell anyone that you want to have a family meeting.  10 minutes of my life can never be retrieved thanks to Snooki wanting to have a family meeting to discuss Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie Stumpy spending too much time together.  We all learn that little Snook was just taking smack out of her poof and no one, including all of America, cares if Sammi and Ronnie isolate themselves from the rest of the group.  I would like to know, however, why Sammi looks decent during the show scenes, but when it’s time for her “interview” in front of the green-screen she looks like someone turned the heat up to 108 degrees and then poured baby oil over her head and then slipped her 6 Ambien.  I mean, she doesn’t look as bad as JWoww ShamWow during her interviews because ShamWow looks like she has no clue she’s even on TV at that point.
  • Later at “du club” Snooki meets Keith.  Keith is an Irish dude disguised at a tanless Guido.  He’s got the low baseball cap, gray wife-beater, stupidly big silver chains and bracelets…everything that Snooki could almost want in a Jersey Shore hookup.  Snooki is smitten.  Stop the press, that should totally be the name of her spinoff reality show where she looks for love.  Forget “Snookin’ For Love” that’s too easy.  “Snooki is Smitten” is the way to go.  Anybronze, apparently Snooki’s pick up line is “Do you own a farm?”  Keith works on a farm but does not own one, yet.  We also learn that Snooki goes to Community College “upstate” because, you know, people go away to community college.  The conversation takes a sharp left turn on the walk home when Snooki tells Keith that she’s “been with” cows, sheep, goats, horses, and “delivered a freakin’ calf from a cow.”  I think that’s great as I would have assumed Snooki delivered a goat from a cow.  You know, community college….they teach you different things there.
  • Meanwhile, Grandpa Situation brings back Paula from “da club.”  Paula is your typical Jersey Shore slampig and it’s no surprise when moments later she’s “doing sex” to Grandpa Situation in the hot tub.  Seriously, that hot tub must have so many crabs in it you could use them as rafts.  Snooki breaks up the sex games and skank-a-licious Paula and Grandpa Sitch take things back to his twin bed, but not before drunken Paula falls down a flight of stairs.  Like a thermometer in a turkey, this is a signal that she’s, clearly, ready for more sex. Ding! Hours later some beast-like-truck-driver-of-a-women is banging down their front door to pick up Paula for her first day of work.  After giving Paula a stern talking to, both “girls” leave the Jersey Shore house without her clothes from the night before.  That’s right America, this skank will be someone’s mother someday.  Sleep well.
  • Quote of the Crapisode:  “Bro, at 27 years old, bro, I would never want to be like you” ~ Vinny to Grandpa Situation.  Unfortunately, Vinny, you’re actually not saying that to Grandpa Sitch, as you are just looking directly into the mirror.  You are him.  He is you.  She is they.  Us is them.  I, you, he, she, it, we, you, they.  You know what I mean?  I don’t.
  • You guys aren’t going to believe this, but the next night the whole Summer’s Eve Brigage heads out to “da club.”  I know!  I was shocked too.  Even more shocking is that JWoww ShamWow is wearing one of her two outfits that she packed for the month.  You know, the bleached out jeans with holes up and down the legs and, you know, crust around the crotch?  Yeah those.  And her yellow shirt which make her boobs look like their cross-eyed.  I bet the entire outfit smells like ham and cigarettes.
  • Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta meets Danielle, some chick apparently from Israel.  Our new Israeli friend apparently likes to pluck her eyebrows herself and gets a little more aggressive with that half way through.  The rest of her brows are filled in with a Sharpie.  Oh, she also looks 50.  Pauly D brings back the Israeli to the Gel Factory and their conversation is a nightmare.  He wants a kiss on the cheek, she wants him to come visit the Holyland.  Is that like Dollywood or Disneyland?  Are there rides?  Instead of riding teacups with Mickey Mouse perhaps you’re riding dreidel’s with Rabbi Shmuley?  I don’t know.  I have no idea what goes on in the Holyland.  All I know is that she loves being Jewish and won’t do naughty boom boom until she’s gets married.  Beyond that she seems like she’d cut off all your fingers, string them, and wear them as a necklace.  She seems nice.
  • How come we’re 40 minutes into this 2 hour marathon and no one has been punched in the face yet?  They know this is one of the only reasons we watch, right?
  • The Summer’s Eve Brigade head out to Atlantic City (the classier part of Jersey – I couldn’t type that without laughing) for the weekend.  While everyone sleeps as soon as they get to the hotel, Snooki takes a bubble bath with some champagne.  Move over Mr. Bubbles, because someone pour a little Ms. Snooki into that tub.  Careful, it’s slippery!
  • On a very special episode of “Jersey Shore” after Grandpa Situation makes a 4th grade joke about Snooki having a couple of rolls, we learn that Snooki had an eating disorder that she just recently got over thanks to therapy.  Look, even I think that’s a very important issue, but what stood out more to me was that Snooki was seeing a therapist, yet the therapist never talked her about how it’s not normal to want to be a “Guidette?”  This must be the same therapist that “helped” Heidi and Spencer from The Hills.
  • Things only get worse for My Little Snooki because once they get to the AC club and are dancing/seizing, Snooki takes a dive off the stage and onto the chair.  This doesn’t even phase Snooki, however, as once she safely lands in between the table and the back of the booth (screaming) she kneels up and starts pumping her arms and giving “west coast finger signs” with her hands.  Just a typical Friday night for our Snook.
  • During Snooki’s fall from grace, Vinny is making out with some chick, who may or may not be “with penis”, then takes a 2 second break to go to the bathroom and that’s when Grandpa Situation (with his walker and oxygen tank) swoops in and starts making out with Vinny’s girl…from, literally, 2 seconds ago.  Grandpa Situation says something douchey like, “It’s a robbery, son.”  Why do white people that?  Why do they say “son?”  I know Grandpa Situation is technically Burnt Sienna and not white, but still.  He’s the worst on so many different levels.  Later, Vinny does have a great line when he asks Grandpa how his d*ck tastes after he stole his girl.  Who knew Vinny was funny?  Way to bring it out in the 11th hour, my friend, way to bring it out.
  • Finally someone gets hit!  It took an hour, but was worth the wait.  After our delicate Oriental flower, JWoww, pukes in the bathroom of “da club” she kindly asks Grandpa Situation to walk her back to her room because she needs help.  Sitch won’t help her so she literally smacks him upside the head and immediately says, “let’s go upstairs.”  Brilliant!  This type of behavior, however, gets ShamWow kicked out of “da club” with 14 minutes left.  She decides to stay up and wait for Sitch to come home so she can knock him out, you know, like a true lady.
  • When Grandpa Situation gets home from “da club” guess who’s there to greet him with a nice smile and kind words?  Correct!  JWoww ShamWow!  She legit winds back and hits him square in the jaw and then just says, “ok, goodnight.”  Why does this make me like JWoww ShamWow even more?  I hope she didn’t tear her nice jeans even more during this altercation.
  • Sidenote, how come on Jersey Shore when the roommates fight each other they get rewarded with a trip and a second season, but on the Real World when someone gets hit they get kicked off the show?  Discuss.
  • So you know who loves being Jewish?  Danielle the stalker.  She loves it.  She surprises Pauly D/Ellen Travolta on the boardwalk WHILE he’s already out with another girl, with a t-shirt she made for him that says “I Heart Jewish Girls” but instead of a “heart” it’s the Italian flag with the Star of David over it.  I’m not making this up.  She designed it and I’m pretty sure it was made with Puffy Paint.  Like a bull in heat during mating season, this chick is all nuts.
  • Danielle the Israeli stalker is popping up all over the Jersey Shore like Where’s Waldo at the carnival.  Everywhere Pauly D is, she just shows up with an awkward smile on her face.  She keeps asking him when he’s going home and when he’s going to call her.  Didn’t they just meet last night?
  • Meanwhile back at da house, Grandpa Sitch is cutting up pickles and placing them under Snooki’s bed while she sleeps so that, apparently, she smells even more like pickles than she normally does?  He’s also mixing up some cheese, mayo, pickle juice, and milk (official cologne of the Jersey Shore) and hiding it under Vinny’s bed.  Grandpa Sitch calls it “Haterade.”  Oh that Sitch.  What a trip.
  • Later our Israeli stalkers calls DJ Pauly D for the 100th time and we are lucky to get another great quote which is, “You stalked my entire life on the Boardwalk.”  Bravo, Pauly D, bravo.  Although he does stay “you stalked my life” about 15 times.  He should switch it up a bit.
  • Once again I must say the phrase, “Pooooooooor Snooki.”  This time she’s wearing a hot pink corset to “da club” so that her knockers are around chin level and she’s making out with some dude on the couch while her ass/crotch is visibly hanging out of her skirt.  I believe she is technically showing us her Snooki.  1 second after kissing this random dude, we learn that he has a girlfriend….who’s at “da club”….and is standing there……4 feet away…..watching them…..and laughing.  Pooooooor Snooki.  I want to give her a hug….and a Ricki Lake makeover.
  • Finally, as with the end of every Jersey Shore episode, the gang is walking home and getting heckled from everyone on the street and a fight breaks out. The only funny part from the heckling was when the drunk chick asked Snooki why she was wearing her Halloween costume.  You KNOW that next Halloween everyone is going to dress up like Snooki.  Anyboo,  this time Ronnie runs up to the d-bag heckling him and, in one punch, knocks the guy out cold.  In the words of Ronnie while he is literally skipping away from the punch, “that’s one shot, that’s one shot kid, that’s one shot.”  The d-bag is knocked out on the ground and, for some inexplicable reason, with his ass up in the air.  Ronnie gets arrested and this ends the 16 hour episode.  Phew.  Next week is the season finale.  So soon?  See you there…or in hell….whichever happens first.

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