Jersey Shore Recap: Jean Shirts and Cloned Greeters

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This show is horrific.  Finding 9 things to discuss was like trying to figure out exactly where Vinny’s left eye is looking.

1.  It’s Refreshing to See Angelina at “Da Club” – You know times on the Shore are tough when part of the crapisode consists of a cameo by Angelina Trash Bags.  And you know what?  I kinda missed her.  I missed her trash bags.  It really seemed like simpler times.  Although I must admit that when I see her I immediately think she must be kicking herself each and every day for skipping out on this money train only to try and stay in the spotlight by hanging with people like Kim G and Michael Lohan.  Also, she’s already starting to look like a typical Jersey Shore mother…and it ain’t pretty.

2.  I Guess DTF Now Stands for “Dance, Talk, Friends” – Either the guys are losing their game or the female patrons at Karma are getting a little bit smarter.  This time around whilst everyone is out at “da club” the guys immediately scoop up some club algae whilst everyone else is dancing to music that sounds like an alarm to signal a nuclear holocaust and moving like the bed bugs that have taken up shop in their crotches are also trying to beat the beat.  Grandpa Sitch brings home a classy dame that decides once she’s in bed she’s “shy” and just wants to sleep.  I’m sorry, but you’re in a bed, after “da club” in the famed Pedophile Manor.  It’s like once you’re technically on the rollercoaster you have to ride the ride.  Meanwhile, Pauly D/Ellen Travolta brings home a girl who doesn’t even make it out of the cab before she spills the bloody beans that she’s on her period so Pauly D gives her a hug goodbye and officially ends his night.  Had Vinny’s mom been visiting for the weekend I’m sure Pauly D’s night could have ended much differently.

3.  If You Tip Me in Protein Powder, I Sh*t in Your Breakfast – Since Grandpa Sitch is such a stand-up guy he decides to tip the delivery boy with one protein pack and, sadly, this is not a joke.  He could have at least let him come in the house and motorboat JWoww.  I mean, the mail man surely does.  Also, maybe this is just because I live in NYC, but since when are food delivery people teenagers?  My delivery people are typically middle-aged men with whom the government may technically not know live here in the good old “states.”  But who am I to judge?  It beat me having to go and pick it up myself.

4.  Is Cloning JWoww’s Vagina a Scientific Breakthrough? – It’s the one year anniversary of JWoww and Mr. Rogers fighting over the phone each and every night so JWoww wants to make sure they have a romantic evening so she’s decorating the smoosh room by scattering rose petals all over the herpes and man juice that has set up shop on the mattress.  She even takes things to the next level by heading out to the sex shop to buy cutesy things like furry handcuffs and other normal things like a kit in which you can make a clone of your “gentlemen greeter.”  To be honest I was surprised that you couldn’t already buy clones of JWoww’s vagiola at your local 7-11 in the “gifting” section.  Either way, I’m pretty sure that when JWoww clones it, it will of course look like your standard macaroni jewelry box.  Yeah, let your kind go there for a minute.

5.  An Ode to Ronnie: A Bed is Thrown Out Onto the Deck – Tip your 40 because Pauly D and Vinny are tugging at our heart strings by reminding us all of when this show was good by removing a bed from the smoosh room and throwing it out onto the balcony deck.  Sure it was a prank but it was priceless that Sammi (who’s still on this show) was the one to find it.  You totally know as soon as she saw a bed out there she checked her room first and then looked for Ronnie’s whereabouts second.  At one point I thought I saw her in the background throwing her own Yaffa Blocks around the room just to beat Raaaahn to the punch.  Literally.  #IHitYouBecauseILoveYou

6.  Jwoww’s Boobs are the Original Meatballs – Those things stand at attention and look like rocks.  That is all.

7.  Because Vinny Is Totally The Gaps Demographic – What in the holy hell was Vinny wearing before heading out to “da club?”  As everyone is busy ironing their t-shirts and spraying cologne in the pits to lessen the genuine B.O smell, Vinny pulls the “gotcha gotcha” on The America by sporting a plaid and denim collared shirt, khakis that are rolled up past his ankles, and actual Keds.  To sum up, he’s wearing every trend he can think of all at once.  I think it’s nice that he wanted to dress like Ellen.  Annnnyway.

8.  I Don’t Care About The Unit/Situation Plan to “Tell Jionni” – Seriously, no one cares.  There is literally nothing else going on with this show, per usual, and the shock of how people from New Jersey look, act, and live has completely worn off.  Therefore, we’re forced to see Grandpa Sitch talk in his southern thug accent and recruit The Unit with his Annie perm to come to “da club” and finally tell Jionni that Snooki bobbed for apples in Sitch’s lap while she was dating Jionni.  I’m pretty sure Sitch has been trying to tell Jionni this since Italy.  I don’t even think Jionni would care.  It’s expected.  Now if Grandpa Sitch tried to say that Snooki’s baby might be his, that would be a whole other story.  Regardless, Sitch’s plan is foiled again because as he and The Unit are walking home from “da club” The Unit is picked up by the police for walking home drunk…so Sitch is forced to tell Jionni the next morning…which will take place next week.  Also, who cares?

9.  Join Me on My Facebook Page – Because it’s more fun than this show is.  Click here!

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