Jersey Shore Recap: Italy, a Magical Land of Voltage Calculations

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Well, folks, it's the moment that we've all been praying for.  Karma has evicted the cast of the Jersey Shore from “The America” and placed them in a little place I like to call “Italy.”  Perhaps you would like to call it that too?  All I know is that I can take comfort in the fact that these goons are back on television, back in my life, and really giving it some meaning.  To sum up, I have not a hell of a lot else going on besides orange midgets with wonky eyes, big boobs, and extra small t-shirts.  Was none of that clear?

We kicks things off with one common theme which is, of course, that everyone is going to get their passport pictures taken for their big trip and each of these oil slicks thinks that their passport is going to include a 15 page spread of them in a wide variety of poses.  VaDeena, for instance, took it upon herself to turn around to the camera, bend over, and shake her grandmother ass.  I'm sure the folks at “customs” will not have an issue with that.  Snooki, on the other hand took a more conservative approach by standing on an apple crate, and throwing items in the air all while yelling, “Italy!”  Someone will hopefully eventually fill Snooki in that her passport is not like one of those recordable Hallmark cards.  JWoww ShamWow, per usual, pushed her boobs together and the guys were sure to flex for the camera as there isn't much else to offer.  I have to admit, I like all this already.  By the way, I got my passport picture taken at the movie theater in one of those 2×4 booths, I'm pretty sure.

Not much has really changed with the cast since the last we've seen them, we learn.  Well, I mean, Snooki now does sport a variety of head bands and bows for her hair so that's that.  Ronnie got a haircut that makes him look like they took his bangs up an inch higher than they did Jim Carey for Dumb and Dumber.  Oh, and JWoww's face is entirely new.  Seriously, brand. new. face.  We spend the first half of the episode pretty much at everyone's parents house because we're supposed to believe that they still live there and aren't raking in millions of dollars from this garbage dump of a show.  Snooki is busy packing about 8 suitcases of panties, including a pair that says, “I Heart Vinny” with the heart going right over her gentlemen greeter.  It should really say, “This Area Itches” with a picture of a skunk holding its own nose with little wavy smell streaks coming out from it.  But that's just me.  I have different ideas.  Also, Snooki has a boyfriend again and let's all just assume that they'll be breaking up within 3 weeks of the series like every other season kicks off.

Everyone else is busy packing too, but they still leave time for awkward staged phone conversations with each other.  They should have totally done the Brady Bunch split screen where you just look forward and talk on the phone while a line is drawn down the center of your screen between you and the other person.  Those really were simpler times.  I miss them.  I do not, however, miss Cousin Oliver.  Punk.  Moving on.  Since this has already turned into a 6th grade dance, the girls are all meeting at VaDeena's house of horror for dinner with her family and the guys are meeting over at Vinny's house so we can watch his family eat enough fatty foods to go directly into cardiac arrest.  Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 CCs of blood thinner.  The Community Chest, of course, would be Vinny's mom.  Hey-oh!  I partially don't even know what that means.  I'm having a nice time.

Even the commercials are a blast in a glass.  If you loved Ronnie trying to sell us weight loss pills from last season then you'll love Sammi and VaDeena “acting” during their energy shots commercial.  Sammi looks like she's smelling burnt skidmarks and VaDeena should just skip this step and go directly into the wonderful and lucrative world of pornography.  I mean, the concept of an “energy shot” will have a whole new meaning there but a similar concept.  Can that even happen?

We finally make it to the airport and everyone packed like a bunch of a-holes.  JWoww is distraught because her bottle of bronzer exploded in her bag and she's only left with 8 more cans.  I'm sure if push comes to shove any one of the roommates (minus Vinny) can just rub themselves over JWoww's face.  I mean, they'll do it anyway right?  Poor little VaDeena took a spill in the airport while trying to run and was splattered to and fro with all of her luggage behind her.  They could have saved a ton of money and space if they just put Snooki and VaDeena in one of those dog transporters.  Plus, it would have seemed more normal when they were scratching themselves and licking their own crotches.  After having to make a stop over in Germany (which most of them had no clue even existed = Social Studies Failure) everyone finally makes it to Italy.  As they say in Italy, “Good.”  They do say that, right?

Italy looks awesome.  At first I thought the whole country was just going to be white tile with pizza sauce stains all over the place but it's way better than that.  It legit looks like a postcard and I'm jealous they all get to be there.  There actually hasn't been a better takeover of a place since the Muppets took Manhattan.  The house that they get to stay in is insane and definitely a step up from Pedophile Manor at the Jersey Shore.  It's about 3 floors and even has a bidet which Vinny is trying to convince us is for washing your sh*t-shooter after taking a mean Shasta McNasty, but I thought those were only for women to spit shine their gentlemen greeters?  Eh, what do I know?  I'm not worldly.  I write this blog and crap my pants on the regular.  Speaking of crapped out underoos, Sammi reaaallly hit the wall again, right?  I can't tell if some interviews and scenes are edited out of order but she definitely has gained back her Freshman 15 this season, which is fine but I'm just throwing it out there.  I mean, someone has to so it might as well be me.  Snooki on the other hand is a workout machine and I don't just mean creaky and sweat-stained.  She's actually doing things like running up and down the multiple flights of stairs, using the chairs to do dips, and she's even trying out some form of ab exercises on the rug but it's coming across more as a rabid meatball in heat.  With a hair bow.  Ole!

Back to Sammi SweatStains.  She and Yawny are all broken up again and they are both claiming to not be lame again this season by fighting, crying, and lying in bed all day.  Staying true to his word, Yawny is not laying on his bed but on the floor instead as the table he was sitting on broke into pieces…just like Sammi's heart. Awww.  But everything can't just be splinters and laughs because there is a serious problem in the house and I am, of course, talking about voltage.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is about to have a Troll Doll breakdown because he's frying out all of his hair dryers.  Everyone has the look of fear on their faces which, I presume, will be the same look in 2 more years when all of these characters are no longer on the map and need to go back to real life jobs, in which they are qualified for nothing.  VaDeena turns into Rainman and is blurting out voltage numbers and trying to do addition and subtraction on the fly but, like Vinny's beard, it's not really working out for her.  At least one of the hairdryers “converted” properly and they got to go out and enjoy their first night in Italy by pointing at buildings and taking a ride on a Merry-Go-Round that they kept calling a Ferris Wheel.  You would have thought it would have been easy for them to remember Merry-Go-Round as they are from Jersey, but maybe they were more Chessking and DEB kind of people.  Some things, however, stay the same as JWoww is busy seeing the sights and pulling at her cameltoe with each and every step she takes.  In Italy I believe that's technically how you hail a cab.

For some reason they're really trying to pull off this storyline that a couple of months ago Grandpa Situation hooked up with Snooki and now he's having feelings for her.  Those feelings, I'm sure, include burning while he pees.  Seriously who cares if they hooked up and she did or didn't have a boyfriend?!  I mean, for the love of God somebody punch someone and punch someone now!  I actually found it more interesting to watch Snooki try to drive and the girls get attacked my Italian pigeons while they sat out on their patio.  I knew they were Italian pigeons because they wore gold chains and hit their wives.  What? I jest.  Pigeons can't hit.  But, if they could, they would.  I just know it.  My favorite part was when someone screamed out, “I mean who flies that close?!”  I think they were really asking the pigeons that like they could answer.  If they could I'm sure they would say, “Chirp. You b*tches are looking hard.  Cooooo.” And then they would fly over and take a sh*t on them to try and whiten them up.

In typical Jersey Shore fashion they all find “da club” that they want to go to, but not before taking 3 hours to get ready.  Because of this whole “voltage” situation VaDeena's flat iron has officially turned into a weapon of mass destruction and got so hot that it literally burnt off her hair.  I'm not sure why she kept using it but I'm sure it won't be long before she's morphed into Fire Marshall Bill…with boobs.  Surprisingly once they figure out how to call a cab, “da club”  is actually a lot like “da clubs” in “da America.”  I was surprised.  I always pictured them to be filled with accordion music and overweight women with mustaches wearing hair nets and pantyhose rolled down to their ankles to show off their hairy legs but apparently I was wrong.  Wrong like the time I thought that The Snorks were The Smurfs swimming cousins.

In the end, everyone has fun trying to beat the beat and continue to give other countries even more reasons to hate us.  Just when I thought Italy was forgiving of the whole Super Mario Brothers situation looks like we're back to square one.  The crew leaves us with two horrific images so that we can all have nightmares when we fall asleep once this is over.  I am, of course, talking about when Grandpa Sitch tried to make out with Snooki and then, even worse, when Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and VaDeena were not only kissing but legit sword fighting with their tongues.  It was an all out assault on my eyes and, yes, I am looking into taking possible legal action.  If you ever wanted to know what it looked like for Danny DeVito's illegitimate daughter to make out with a Troll Doll well, then, wonder no more because we all have this image stuck in our brain for all of eternity.

Until next time, horrific dreams!

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