So I decided that drinking while watching Jersey Shore is just stupid. I’m going to start taking Ecstasy and see how it goes. I think I’ll peak during “da club” scenes and, well, if they happen to be dancing during those scenes I may just start dry-humping my couch. Here’s what went down on the latest episode of Jersey Shore:
- We kick things off with a lesson on how to make a Guido. It’s simple actually. All you need to do is follow the GTL Rule. What does GTL stand for, you ask? Why it stand for Gym, Tanning, Laundry, but of course! Vinny, who apparently is still on this show, informs us that every single day the guys go to the gym, go tanning, and do their laundry. I assume the laundry is done every day due to gel drips and sweat pit stains. Grandpa Situation even teaches us the importance of GTL and how it equates to a good night, but I lose the lesson as I become hypnotized by his peanut head and try to figure out if it’s smaller this week than last. It is. He is the Beettlejuice of our generation.
- The Duck Phone: Every time the duck phone goes off in a scene I always think it’s my cell phone vibrating on the table. I check it every time. One day it will be and it will be Snooki calling me.
- Vinny’s talking to Grandpa Situation’s sister on the phone, who sounds like she just may be Rhea Pearlman. They chit-chat like school girls in 4th period algebra for 45 minutes. If Vinny had long hair, he could twirl it. Is it odd that when Grandpa Situation has to call back his sister he has to look her phone number up in a small phonebook that pretty much looks like my autograph book that I brought with me to Disney World when I was in the 2nd grade?
- Grandpa Situation’s Sister Alert: Anyone remember the show Bosom Buddies when Tom Hanks used to dress up like a woman in some scenes? Yeah, well, The Situation’s sister (Melissa) is 100% Grandpa Sitch with a weave. I kept pausing it to see if they were just doing some fancy camera work. The genius that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is says, “Uh, duh, uh, you guys look alike.” Thanks for stating the obvious to them, Captain Random. As a sidenote, will these guys careers be officially over once they start losing their hair? Because it will happen. Although I would kinda like to see the blow out with a major receding hairline. Get skills, guys, because it will all be over soon.
- Sweet! The Ecstasy is kicking in just in time as the gang heads out to “da club.” It’s a typical club scene for the cast of the Jersey Shore. JWoww ShamWow is wearing a shirt where it looks like her boobs are trying to escape by way of her armpits and “pants” (??) that basically are just fishnet nylons that are probably holding her penis in place, Snooki is performing seizure-like dance moves while constantly fixing her hair, Grandpa Situation is choosing girls to go dance with him by, literally, picking them up by their crotches when they’re not looking, and Sammi SweatStains and Ronnie “No Nickname” are off to the side sipping their Sex on Beach and whispering in each others ear. All typical. Carbon copy, if you will.
- Why do the faces of Grandpa Situation and his sister, Melissa, look so old? I don’t mean wrinkles and stuff. It just looks old. It’s weird. It’s almost like those people that have that disease where they age way faster than they should and are really like 9 years old, but look like they’re 74. What’s that called? Well for now I’ll just call it Guidoitis.
- The Fred Flintstone Toe Fight of Horror: Whilst taking the van back to the Dep factory, Ronnie and Sammi get into the most ridiculous fight I’ve ever seen with my own eyes in my life. Of course, this makes for one of the best scenes of the episode/season. Sammi SweatStains is wasted and slurring her words like a champ. She begins by telling Ronnie to shut his pie hole and then calls him a “stumpy bastard.” Funny and true all at the same time. Using his words as weapons, Ronnie references Sammi’s Flintstone big toe. This, clearly, is the worst thing that could have ever been said to Sammi or anyone for that matter because Sammi is livid. She feels disrespected and never wants to talk to Ronnie again. Seriously, if he referenced her as Fred Flintstone camel toe, which she clearly has, I could understand her anger, but in this case it just goes to show what a psycho she is. If anyone has the right to be pissed off and feeling disrespected right now it’s Fred Flintstone.
- Poor Snooki. She meets her friend, Mike, at “da club” and he’s in the van with the crew heading back to the Dep factory to get a little nookie from the Snooki. I feel like you could spin Snooki like a wing-nut when she’s going it. Anyway. Snooki let’s her friend, Mike, know that he can go back to “da club” with her Grandpa Sitch if he wants to go meet up with girls and drip sweat mixed with gel all over them. The dude bails. Immediately. Like he’s just been pardoned by the Governor seconds before he was supposed to be executed. In the words of our beloved Snooki, “He jumped out of the van like it was on F’n fire.” Oh did he ever.
- The War on Flintstone continues back at the house and Ronnie is saying things like, “words were exchanged tonight that can never be taken back” and Sammi SweatStains is saying things like, “that is the worst thing you could ever say to me.” Snooki is, for some reason that only our Lord and Savior seems to know, the voice of reason right now and tries to explain to Stumpy and Fred that this is the stupidest drunken fight that has ever taken place in the history of the world. And that includes the time when Adam and Eve got into the fight over that whole apple tree in the Garden of Eden.
- Well folks it’s that time of the episode where Snooki gets the shit kicked out of her. Honestly, check her contract because I bet it states in there that she has to get hit in every single crapisode. Grandpa Situation’s drunken skank for the night (who was in an episode before) comes back to the Dep factory and brings her friend (The Grenade) and another friend who I can only describe as looking like a rabid elephant in heat during mating season. Snooki follows the commands of Grandpa Sitch and asks The Grenade and The Rabid Elephant to leave the Dep factory. Yeah, this doesn’t go over so well. One girls calls Snooki a “nasty-ass-bitch” while falling into the wall and, well, hijinks now ensues.
- The Grenade is as white trash as you can possibly get at this point. She’s saying things to Snooki like, “you ugly-ass bitch” and “you dumb-ass bitch” and “you short-ass bitch.” Everything is ass-bitch. And, I mean, why shouldn’t it be? The Rabid Eelephant in heat lunges at Snooki and, to be honest, I’m pretty sure that’s the first lunge and most exercise this chick has ever done (with the exception of probably running after a Jonas Brother or two for a half-a-block). Gross. The Rabid Elephant is being dragged away by one of the guys and her enormous gut is falling over her grey stretch pants with her tight tank top starting to ride up her back. Almost every single word in that last sentence made me dry-heave.
- Right as the cops come and The Grenade and The Rabid Elephant are leaving, Sammi throws out a “You don’t even look Italian” comment to the girls. Well next tot he Fred Flintstone toe comment from a few minutes ago, telling someone in the Jersey Shore that they don’t look Italian must be the worst insult of its kind because The Grenade loses her shit, pushes a police officer and says, “I will rock you bitch” to Sammi SweatStains. I think I need a “Guidette to English” dictionary, STAT! In the end, Snooki gets hit AGAIN in the face, right where she was hit that last time/last week, and one of the drunken girls gets arrested. All a very quiet night at the Jersey Shore. I can’t wait for the next fight……which will start in about 10 minutes.
- Pauly D/Ellen Travolta lets us know that those girls were “White Trash.” Well. Isn’t that the sticky gel bottle calling the Guidette poof black!
- The “next day” Vinny’s entire family come to visit him and they bring large loaves of bread, distant relatives, trays of pasta, etc. Whilst I want to make fun of his family, I can’t. His mom seems really nice and caring and, well, even I can’t knock that. I mean it was funny that she brought him some new packages of wife-beaters, but everything else was really nice of her.
- Well it’s been about 10 minutes, so that means it’s time for another fight! While at “da club” Pauly D/Ellen Travolta is sitting next to some bald b-bag who is teeing off on him and Grandpa Situation all night. Pauly D/Ellen Travolta let’s him know that he doesn’t want to talk to him anymore. The guys just keeps at it and tells him to go back to New York…and then Brooklyn….and then Staten Island. I think that’s all the places in and around New York he knows. Anyway, The Bald D-bag then follows Ronnie and Sammi (Stumpy and Fred) out of “da club” and down the boardwalk that looks like a constant 1970’s carnival. The Bald D-bag and his blurred-out-face girlfriend are yelling 5th grade insults to each other. Sammi pipes up a few more insults and then to my surprise a fight breaks out. Who knew?! Ronnie pushes Sammi when she keeps on antagonizing them and then the “Come at Me, Bro” fight begins. We listen to Stumpy and The Bald D-bag say “come at me, bro” for about 10 minutes. “Come at Me, Bro” is the new “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” just in case you were wondering.
- The girl with the blurred out face is all in Stumpy’s grill and he’s yelling out “Get away from me, I don’t know you” like a 5 year old running from a stranger who’s trying to lure them into their van with a puppy and some candy. The Bald D-bag takes the first swing, which was basically like jazz hands on 10. He misses, no joke, by about 15 feet. However, that’s enough for Stumpy to just go after him and the next thing you know they’re making a Guido Souffle right there on the ground of the boardwalk. Gel stains everywhere! While Stumpy is beating the absolute piss out of The Bald D-bag on the ground, his blurred face girlfriend is literally giving Ronnie a wedgie. Brilliant. Moments later Sammi SweatStains gives the bald d-bag a wedgie too. Ba da ba ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!
- Meanwhile, the Duck Phone turns into the Bat Phone and Grandpa Sitch gets a call letting him know that Ronnie is, in process of, fighting on the boardwalk. And just like that Batman and Robin (Grandpa Situation and Pauly D) leave the Dep factory and head out to the boardwalk.
- In the end, Stumpy and Fred flea the scene while the cops are there dealing with The Bald D-bag. Stumpy is pissed at Fred and Fred is pissed at Stumpy for pushing her. Sammi tries to tell Ronnie that she is traumatized after he pushed her and, well, so are my eyes for watching this episode. I want an apology from the cast. Anyway, Ronnie apologizes to Sammi and all is right with the world. Another Guido/Guidette couple saved in the Jersey Shore!
