Jersey Shore Recap: Da Dip, Da Club, Da Split

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Grandpa Sitch is Definitely Banging the Dogs – When everyone goes out in the rain storm to get tanned within an inch of their lives, Grandpa Situation is lonely so, per usual, he takes to the dogs of the house.  Ever notice how close he holds the little white one?  He must think it’s coke.  Minutes later he whips out the peanut butter to, what I assume, is lather all over his decaying junk and let the dog go to town.  But, alas, he just spoons some out onto the floor and then adds some Fluff to the menu as well.  Seriously, Fluff?  You totally know that’s a shared jar between VaDeena and Snooki.  One scoop down the hatch and two scoops smeared on the thighs. He even lets the dogs eat out of the trash, which is loving.  Now if you know me, you know for my unnatural dislike of all things “animal” but even I am in fear of these two dogs catching herpes and “the syph” from being able to freely roam around Pedophile Manor.  Seriously, if one of them claims the “Smoosh Room” or barks out “Get That” I’m calling animal control.

Later the dogs end up taking sh*ts all over the house and of course it is all captured on camera.  Why, I ask, is this entire season about piss and Shasta McNasty?  If it’s not multi-episodes about the toilet, it’s multi-scenes of dog crap.  At one point I just thought it was an aerial shot of VaDeena on the beach but, nope, just your typical log of dog feces.  Give it a poof and some glitter and you know Vinny would try to stick it in.

Pointless Meal – Either I’m getting desensitized to stereotypical Italians or the meal was really just that quick. and boring.  What was the point of Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Vinny going to his moms house in Staten Island for dinner?  They’re like, “We ate pizza, and pasta, and chicken cutlets.”  Really?  And you get paid $60,000 an episode for that?  Awesome.  I might as well light my college diploma on fire and tell the US Dept of Education that they shant be getting any more US currency from me.

Snooki Bags ‘em Like Groceries – It wouldn’t be a normal night with everyone going to the same “da club.”  Seriously, they should just shoot 8 hours of “da club” and break it out into 8 episodes.  More efficient that way.  And, since everyone is orange and gel’d no one would be the wiser.  Anyjunk, Snooki lands herself a man right off that bat that may or may not be a 14 year old boy/30 year old lesbian.  He claims he’s 21 and after Snooki asks him his last name she’s learned enough about him to have “the sex.”  Per usual, on the walk home Snooki falls the ground and scrapes her knees until they are dripping blood.  Between scrapes and rug burns you’d think she’d wear knee-pads when she went out.  Luckily, this 14 year old was feeling frisky and bandaged her up and was ready to bang.  Can you even imagine all the sand and blood stains in her bed?   It’s what I imagine the inside of Amy Winehouse’s ballet slippers to be like. And do you think when guys are in bed with her and a camera in their face they’re thinking, “Holy Christ I’m about to give it to Snooki!”  I’m certain Rhea Perlman went through the same type of thing during her Cheers days.  There must be a support group.  I will look into that.

Yawnie + Yawnie = Zzzzz – Guess what?  Yawnie and Yawnie are drunk at “da club” and kissed on the sweat-pit-dance-floor.  It turns into a minor argument on the walk home about who walked away and why didn’t he chase her and blah.  Seriously, at this point just show me some more close ups of the dog sh*t and let me go to bed.

After 3 Seasons Vinny Finally Realizes He Forgot To Tan – Dude it’s called GTL for a reason.  Has he been just doing GL this whole time?  I feel lied to.  Vinny decides that it’s time to get himself a spray tan because everyone knows that spray tans look very natural and not streaky at all.  Oh, and they don’t give you orange Lohan wrists either.  Vinny thinks he looks like another race after his tan, although I’m pretty sure he still looks like a white kid, but Burnt Sienna.  I guess it’s better than being Brick Red.  Also, anyone notice how JWoww and Sammi were sitting on a puffy leather couch whilst Vinny got his tan?  Need I say more?

The Dip – As if I couldn’t feel any older than I do watching these shows, we learn a new phrase called “The Dip.”  This is, of course in reference to JWoww driving home and seeing her “boyfriend” Roger in another car and then speeding away even when she is beeping at him.  Apparently he had a girl in the car so he did “The Dip.”  I guess this is a real thing.  I’m 57.

Trash Bags are Fitting – Since I’m sure the producers told them they can’t be drunk 100%, but 99% is acceptable, the gang decides to have a good old fashion water balloon fight!  And to top things off all the girls decided to wear trash bags and I really feel that was done on purpose and just for me.  At first I was like, “Why is Angelina’s luggage running across the room?”  but then I realized it was just your typical Hefty Synch-Sack.  Vinny was also wearing a trash bag because he couldn’t get wet since he was freshly spray tanned and didn’t want to look stupid…duh!  I was laughing, actually, when Ronnie snuck up on VaDeena and wailed her right in the face with a water balloon.  Sadly, I’m sure it’s not the first or last time that night that something exploded in her face.  That’s like a sex joke.  Was that not clear?

Like, Ron and Sam Have, Like, Changed And Stuff Because It’s Been, Like, Two Full Days and Neither of Them Have Destroyed, Like, Each Others Personal Property – These two need electric shock therapy.  And give me a few volts while you’re at it.

A Complete Change of Scenery – The gang is ready for something completely different than the boardwalk in Seaside so they decide to go to Jenk’s (??) for something new…like a new boardwalk…with new guidos…and new rides.  It’s nice they keep an open mind.  At one point they go over to the aquarium to see a live penguin walk around and I’m pretty certain it was running to VaDeena thinking she was its mother.  I’m sure the penguin can do splits like VaDeena too.  Sidenote, did anyone notice earlier when VaDeen did a split in the middle of the room and someone yells out, dead serious, “Oh wow Deena, good job!”  Like they think it’s a full fledged talent.  Anyway, when the instructor asks the entire group of people watching the penguin what kind of animal it was, Sammi basically called it  horse and then turned red-face right into the camera.  I mean, technically she said “mammal” but she might as well said “horse.”  The correct answer is “bird.”  Stop tanning.

Was Rosie O’Donnell Their Van Driver at Jenk’s? – Some things don’t have answers.

What Actually is Arvin? – Grandpa Sitch’s friend “Arvin” apparently got text messages from Sammi about meeting her at “da club.”  Wait, are they still at the aquarium?  Which animal, technically, is Arvin?  Grandpa Sitch ends up “snitching” to JWoww about the text messages, and then they both tell Snooki and VaDeena.  Basically everyone knows except Sammi.  Snooki ends up spilling the scripted beans to Sammi and, as expected, Sammi freaks the F out.  Uh oh, I have a feeling she’s going to be “doing her” tonight and then that means that Ronnie is going to be “doing him.”

Sammi says that Arvin is her “friend” and she tries to confront him, but Ronnie gets…wait for it…wait for it….pissed off and they both end up…wait for it…wait for it…fighting.  And if it’s one thing we know Ronnie loves and that’s “keeping it real.”

Does Sammi Think Her Fingers are Guns? – Everyone thinks that Sammi is a lying skanky triple fat goose and yet she’s pissed at Grandpa Sitch for “starting sh*t.”  I have to say I actually believe Sam.  I think she and Arvin are just friends.  I think that she is so low self esteem and daddy issues that there is no way she’ll move on from Ron.  Like she’ll do murder-suicide before that happens.  Get that.

Things take a (no left in Jersey) turn for the worse when Grandpa Sitch and Sammi start brawling over who’s the most shady. I mean, really?  That’s like trying to figure out which Olsen Twin is the tallest.  Not possible.  Sammi starts using her fingers as a gun and telling Grandpa Sitch that he’s so shady.  She knows there are no bullets in her fingers, right?  And was it just me or were you pretty sure Vinny wanted to “smell her gun” when he walked by?

In the End – In the end Ronnie tries out a cookie analogy, but fails miserably.  Ronnie ends up in a roid rage screaming at Sammi how he cried over her and for nothing.  Pauly D hits the nail on the head when Sammi and Ronnie are screaming and he says that he’ll kill himself if their relationship continues.  That makes him + all of America.  So, like, 25,000 people or something.  Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Ronnie was going to sock her with a closed fist.  Run AnnaMae, run!

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