Jersey Shore Recap: Checkers and The Hook Up Board. Fun Games For the Kids!

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We’re down to the final two crapisodes of the season.  I don’t even want to think what my life will be without Snooki.  I won’t even go there mentally.  Waaah.  Here’s what went down last night on The Jersey Shore:

  • Um, hello!?
  • I’m usually ready to go home from Miami after 3 days max.  How these people are still there is beyond me.  It’s like every night is the God-damn discotech.
  • The whole Douche-Bag-Brigade finally is on their way home and Snooki keeps repeating that Grandpa Sitch slapped her in the cheek and  no one seems phased by this.  Her friend, Gail the Snail Swift looks like she’s ready to play the alphabet game on Snooki’s snooki.  My guess is that she’ll make it to “G” before Snooki yells out a “waaah” and then breaks wind.
  • Vinny brings back Sandra Bernhard and her penis from “da club.”    He’s going to be in a for a big surprise when her penis hits him in the chin while they’re frolicking in bed.  And I have no clue why she just took her shirt off, since all the dudes in the house have a bigger rack than her…but not bigger penis, so she totally one-ups them there.
  • The next morning Grandpappy Situation apologizes to Snooki by literally dry-humping her on her bed all whilst holding a handful of cash for some inexplicable reason.  Snooki must be immediately having flashbacks on how she got cast for Jersey Shore…and graduated from the 8th grade.
  • What’s up with Snooki’s poof in all her one-on-one interviews?  She’s starting to look like those Polygamist Sect wives, you know, the ones who wear those paper dresses in light blue, light green, and/or light pink?  Well, them.
  • After one last shot (surprisingly not to the face) Gail the Snail Swift says goodbye to Snooki and ShamWow and takes off on a plane back to her normal life of, most likely, collecting tickets and passing around the Jimmy Fund can at the movies.  Shhh and no cell phones, please!
  • So, uh, JWoww is wearing a drink umbrella behind her ear in her one-on-one interview.  Why do I feel like she thinks this is somehow “going green?”
  • So we’re at the point in season 2 of Jersey Shore where it’s kinda starting to behave like season 3-6 of “The Hills.”  Snooki is now crying since Snail Swift left and tells JWoww that she might want to go home.  Yeah.  Right.  Like Snooki would ever give up camera time.  Wait, unless I’m totally wrong and “I wanna go home” is now code word for “I need to take a nasty dump and I’m starting to do the ‘turtle head’.”  Nah, it’s Snooki talking to JWoww…these two skanky broads would take Shasta McNasty’s on each others chests while having a conversation about what do have for dinner.
  • JWoww tries to comfort Snooki by asking her if she wants to go tanning.  Vinny ends up giving her some words of encouragement and Snooki finally feels good enough to last the remaining 7 days. Phew, side-stepped that landmine.  Also, Snooki lets us know that Vinny is like her big brother…except you don’t have sex with your brother.  You know, I totally bet if Snooki had a brother and he had a really slammin’ blowout, she’s totally do it.  (Bonus points for using the term “slammin’.  I know my audience).
  • Well it’s a big night for the crew as they are heading to “da club” called Space.  Let me tell you something.  I’m 150 years old and I’ve been there before and, I swear to God, it’s like I was standing in the middle of a friggin’ nuclear holocaust.  The music is horrific, the people are a shame, and I’m pretty sure they put Ecstasy in the ice-cubes.  However, Snooki and JWoww couldn’t be more excited as this is the Promised Land for them
  • So, yeah.  Hmmph.  Well JWoww is basically dressed in black mesh shorts and a black mesh bra…all with pink trim.   She is a lady after all.  She’s had to put electric tape over her nipples because, well, they would stick through the mesh and I believe that is a club safety hazard.  Snooki thinks she “looks like the ultimate stripper and is so hot” which apparently is a compliment.  I have one question.  Where does the tampon string go?  If you pull it does her top come off?  I’m not sure of the mechanics of it all.  And, just think, she’ll be sitting “mesh-ass” on the filthy leather cab seat and then some unsuspecting dude is going to be grabbing that later.  What a world, what a world.
  • Whilst at “da club” the nuclear holocaust is in full effect, everyone is doing some form of interpretive dance (I guess), and then the typical fight starts up.  This time Snooki is screaming at two, what I can only assume is, mice.  The chick made sure her face was blurred out, but the dude is showing his face, which just looks sad, scared, and lonely.  I found myself yelling at my TV, “Stop yelling at the poor kid and someone hand him a Paxil for cripes sakes!”
  • Grandpa Sitch makes sure to scream at the kid who’s half the size of Snooki and his friends until they the bouncers finally kick out The Shore gang.  Ronnie and Sammi SweatStains are pissed they were asked to  leave after only an hour.  Why the hell are they so pissed?  They’re usually the first two to go home.  Um, hello!? (ode to Angelina Trash Bags)
  • Let’s discuss the situation with the two girls that Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Sitch brought back home on their way out of “da club.”  Was it just me or were these two girls totally goofing on them the whole time?  And, not for nothing, but they were actually hot.  Finally.  Finally they brought some girls home that didn’t look like Snooki shat them out.  And, Grandpappy Sitch is such a tool and is being a complete d*ck to the girl he’s “with” after he finds out she doesn’t hook up, won’t hook up, and doesn’t drink.  He literally kicks her out of bed, makes her go wait in the other room, and tells her she’s wasting his time.  I did laugh, however, when he tells her that you don’t go to someones house at 4 in the morning to play checkers and she says, “I didn’t say I wanted to play checkers, old man.”  Bravo.  Both girls end up leaving and the guys are left to find fast-acting-cures for blue balls.
  • The “next day” Grandpa Sitch is telling JWoww what happened the night before and he keeps saying that the chick he was with was a “grenade” and so he couldn’t do it.  Dude.  There were cameras.  We have eyes.  Come on.  And, this is coming from a guy who’s in his 30’s wearing a white Ed Hardy hat, thick gold chain around his neck, and wearing a t-shirt that literally says “House Music” on it.  I mean, if he could sing right now he’d be Neil Diamond.  Not that there’s anything wrong with Neil Diamond.
  • Pauly D and Vinny are at the beach and are all “wifed up” as the kids are saying now.  It’s amazing how Sandra Bernhard can hide her penis in such tiny bikini bottoms.  Vinny says that hanging out with her is like hanging out with one of the guys, but she’s not a guy, she’s a model.  Yes, Vinny, she’s a male model.
  • Later Grandpa Sitch starts making dinner for everyone and basically burns the entire place to the ground.  Seriously they’re lucky it didn’t turn out to be a real fire.  I mean, with all the gel and Axe body spray that house could have gone up in flames in under 16 seconds.  It would end up looking like the “Christmas Tree Fire Demonstration House” that the Today Show shows every year…the mock-up house that catches fire because the Christmas lights malfunctioned?  You know the one.
  • The fire department ends up showing up because the firm alarm won’t stop going off.  It’s like that episode of Friends.   You know the one.  Just know what I’m talking about so I can stop typing.  Thanks.  Anycrap, once the firemen show up to the house I think Snooki and JWoww nearly did nasty boom boom to themselves right there in the very kitchen.  I assumed JWoww would have been like Superman and changed into her mesh shorts and mesh bra in 2.2 seconds.  And I’m also surprised Snooki didn’t take a Norelco do her landing strip while the fireman did their work.  Maybe next time.  Skanks.
  • So Sammi SweatStains hates the Asians.  That is all.
  • Sammi and Ronnie are now fighting about Sammi possibly either being Asian or not Asian.  I have no idea.  I don’t care.  These two bore me.  They’re like the new Heidi and Spencer, but with less talent.  Is that even possible?
  • JWoww puts the chalkboard to good use by drawing out “The Hookup Board” where she maps out basically how by each of them hooking up with one of the roommates they all, in turn, hooked up with each other.  I hope someone took a picture of that chalkboard because very soon they’re going to need that same formula for the STD Board. Hopefully she put their phone numbers next to their names so that they can “alert” their “partners of the past” of the latest and greatest diseases to get tested for.
  • Later, Vinny and Grandpa go out for a little GTL and their car ends up getting towed.  They have to use a pay phone to find out where their car is.  They have no clue how much it is to use the pay phone, but I don’t blame them since only drug dealers and diddlers use pay phones.  Vinny gives us a little gem when after they have to walk all over Miami to find the tow company he says, “This is like the guido version of The Amazing Race.”  Good old Vinny.  Friend til the end.
  • In the end, the guys end up bringing home some girls who are from “Canadia” as they leave “da club.”  These girls may or may not be actual living breathing prostitutes.  I’m pretty sure I even saw crabs parachuting from their crotches.  Sadly, one girl had a fiance so she wanted to go home.  Grandpa Sitch basically kicked them out since they could only stay for 5 minutes.  And, once again, it’s been what has become a standard blue balls Friday night for the guys.  Hell, even Sandra Bernhard has a case of the blue balls.

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