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GTL, DTS, DTF, OPP, PYT, LOL, WWW can only mean one thing…it’s recap time! Here’s what went down on the latest episode of Jersey Shore and, well, if you like what you read spread the word and gently press the “recommend” button. If you don’t like it, well, then get the hell out of here before I call the cops.
- Like an artistic pair of bookends we are starting this crapisode with a fight just like we ended in the last crapisode. This is basically “the circle of life” but with AquaNet and bronzer…just like it states in the Bible (Psalm 117:5 – Ye old Punches ‘n Poofs).
- MTV quickly recaps Snooki calling Sammi SweatStains a “slutty a** b*tch” (hallelujah, hallelujah) and then the fight with Sammi and ShamWow resumes. It appears that whilst punching and swatting ShamWow is trying to tear open Sammi’s mouth like a package of ham that she bought at 2am at a 24-hour Walgreen’s in the “dairy case” next to a small package of Neapolitan ice cream (buy one, get one half off).
- The cameras are sure to capture the reactions of all the housemates during the throw-down and Grandpa Situation has the best facial expression as it looks like he’s trying to do the math on how much of his $5 million income is going to Social Security and just exactly what FICA is. However, during this scene we are also introduced to someone “new” in the house that just doesn’t seem like is introduced in the opening credits. This person is of course the 7ft 350 lb black man that rips JWoww off of Sammi Sweatstains. Anyone else notice him? I mean it wasn’t exactly like trying to spot Waldo at the carnival, but in a sea of orange he did kind of stick out. I’m guessing that there is now a body-guard at Pedophile Manor.
- After the fight both ShamWow and SweatStains both look like they’ve been hit in the face with a bouquet of dicks and from the sound of JWoww’s voice right now let’s just assume that she’s accidentally swallowed part of that bouquet as well. JWoww kind of stumbles and says, “It’s going to be an interesting f*cking summer!” and then Sammi tosses a strand of weave onto the kitchen floor. Whose could it be? Only a DNA test can know for sure.
- After Snooki is done yelling at Sammi and she and Ronnie No Nickname head up to the roof to sit on their grandmothers basement furniture, Snooki and VaDeena decide to continue drinking because their livers are basically squeezing themselves out at this point like a squeegee at the car-wash. Their “fun” consists of walking in small circles around the “parlor,” seeing if Snooki can fit into someones luggage (spoiler alert: yes she can and there’s enough room for VaDeena and 1 of ShamWow’s boobs), and finally they go to sit on the hammock on the roof and quickly both flip right off of it like Jack Tripper on Three’s Company, but with VaDeena hitting the ground head first with her a** up in the air somehow showing off some semi-tanned reverse cameltoe. If there wasn’t enough hairspray in her hair to stop a charging rhinosaurus she could have done some serious brain damage.
- The next morning all the guys and Sammi head out to the gym to focus on all parts of their body, except anything from the waist down. In order for them to perfect the “lightbulb look” they must follow this routine. And you know Sammi is totally the girl at the gym that just takes a stroll on the treadmill and later just sits on the leg machine without ever breaking a sweat. VaDeena is filled with Dora the Explorer jokes when she says that Sammi is basically a f”emale backpack” with the guys at the gym. Oh VaDeena you are so pint size. I just want to catch you with a mousetrap and then force you to run on a wheel for the majority of the day whilst I dump sawdust on you and tap on the glass to see if you can hear me.
- Everyone ends up heading out to “da club” for the night except Ronnie and Sammi. Nope, not them. I believe they have a clause in their contract that states they can only film their scenes while laying down in bed. Yawn.
- The rest of the Douche Bag Brigade are too busy getting ready to even notice Sammi and Ron aren’t going. The girls are doing their part to make our winters warmer by spraying about 2 cans of hairspray into the rats nest that they like to call hair-do’s and the Grandpa Sitch is half posing/half ready to throw down while looking in the mirror. If there was a God the mirror would immediately shout back at him “You are too old to be dressing the way you are” but alas it doesn’t. And what the hell is up with Grandpa Sitch’s hair? What happened to half of it? He basically just has some hair gelled up on the very top of his head, but the top-back of his head is completely missing hair. Can we call that a “Reverse Alfalfa?” I mean, I am but you can too if you want.
- At “da club” Vinny finally gets his very own stalker. This chick puts Pauly D’s old Israeli stalker to shame. This girl is literally following Vinny everywhere he goes and, most importantly, is rocking a total half-muffin top/full FUPA as she duck-walks behind him. It’s like she’s in a complete daze and, if we’re being truthful, so am I right now. So. Am. I.
- When Vinny confronts Tubby McStalker she claims she has no idea what he’s talking about and she’s not following him at all. Yeah, well the camera footage and my eyes seem to tell a different story. I’m not sure what’s quite worse; being known as a girl who got banged by one of the cast of the Jersey Shore on camera or being known as the girl who followed the cast of the Jersey Shore all around “da club” in hopes of being known as the girl who got banged by one of the cast of the Jersey Shore on camera. For those of you playing along at home this is actually a trick question. We all know the answer is that it’s worse to always be “known as the girl who never went to Paris.” This has plagued Lauren Conrad for years.
- After Snooki decides to hide in a bush for a few minutes (where she’s also comfortable peeing, puking, and popping in – the 3 P’s of Snooki’s life), everyone decides to go home for the night. Vinny and Grandpa Sitch end up bringing the same girl home and decide to bang her together…that is until Vinny locks Sitch out of the room and takes care of “the business” himself. Grandpa Sitch looks like a lost puppy and paces in front of the locked door asking if he can come in (I’m pretty sure Vinny is taking care of that part). After he slurs out “sharing is caring” he ends up walking away and telling VaDeena that he’s stuck with his peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the night, to which VaDeena responds with “or me!” Grandpa Sitch passes on banging the crunchy-haired chihuahua. Ugh, and you totally know that someone is going to get a Skippy endorsement from this.
- The next day Sammi and Ronnie really decide to spice things up for the cameras and head out to Church. No, I’m not joking that’s where they decided to go. They better not bless themselves with the holy water or they’re going to have blessed bronzer running down their forehead. With those two trash bags gone for the day, everyone else decides to have their traditional “family dinner.” This consists of steaks and eating off of blue plastic plates. Ooo la la! Meanwhile, during Sunday dinner, Sammi SweatStains and Ron are out eating on their own. Can someone please kick them off the show? Honestly, I’d rather watch Angelina rehearsing her rap song than watch this junk.
- Sidenote: How much weight did Pauly D/Ellen Travolta lose? He’s looking pretty skinny. I hope coke isn’t to blame.
- Finally Sammi comes home with a giant banana and walks past the gang eating their dinner. Pauly D/Ellen Travolta does drop a classic one line by saying, “You can’t just come home with a banana and expect everything to be peaches!” Good old Pauly D. Friend ’til the end! Even VaDeena had a good one-liner when describing Sammi by saying that “she does nothing…she’s like furniture, she’s just there.” Amen.
- The “next night” after a hard day of work at the t-shirt shop and an exhausting game of kickball on the roof, everyone decides to go the white-trash carnival on the garbage bag boardwalk. Even Sammi and Ron decide to go. To no surprise Sammi follows Ronnie all over the place like she’s Vinny’s “da club” stalker. She won’t go on any rides and won’t talk to anyone. Seriously, she’s pointless. Imagine all the other characters they could have cast that would have brought some extra life to this show?! Shame on you MTV, shame on you.
- I love how Vinny tries to be this big tough guy but when the other guys try to pull him onto one of the rides he’s scared of he basically screams rape until the police come. And, not for nothing, but speaking of rides…how in the hell are Snooki and VaDeena getting to ride any of these rides? There’s no way they’re passing the height requirement. I mean, if they pat the poof down they’d be stuck riding the tin boats in a circle for 15 minutes.
- In the end, Sammi and Ronnie (who I may now just refer to as Yawnie and Yawnie) retreat to the roof again (please jump) to talk about why Yawnie is still crying over the fact that Yawnie cheated on her in Miami. Oh, you mean she ended up seeing that? Oh wait, so those cameras really were recording all of that. Ohhhh. Who knew?
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