Jersey Shore Recap: A Watermelon, Pinhole and, Apparently, Sammi’s Balls Walk Into a Bar…

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  • So like a typical day in the life of Lil’ Snooki DeVito, she’ sporting a sombrero, finishing the beers in the backyard, finds out she just drank cigarettes, bends over to spit it out with her cooch hanging out the back of her skirt, goes into the house to dry hump Vinny in his twin bed, pulls her pajamas out of garbage bag, gets into bed with Vinny, hooks up, and then falls off the bed and gets stuck between the bed and the wall.  Yup, this is actually the actual formula to become an overnight success on a reality show.  Please note, you are able to substitute drinking cigarettes with eating cigarettes if you see fit.
  • The next morning Snooki wakes up to find Vinny with one hand on her rack and the other hand on her Lil’ Vag.  Basically he’s giving her a free medical exam and she should be grateful.  However, she basically jumps out of his bed while yelling “Ariba! Ariba!” and runs into her own bed so that her own sheets can be basted with crab bisque as well.
  • Snooki fills in Sammi that she hooked up with Vin and Sammi looks shocked.  Well, I can’t tell if she looks shocked or if she just crawled out of the gutter after getting gang-banged on Ocean Drive.  Either way, she looks beat down.  Almost like she tried to “beat the beat” but the beat won.  Snooki lets Sammi know that Vinny is pretty big in the “ding-dong-diddly-doo” area by explaining to her that it was like “trying to fit a watermelon into a pinhole.”  Perhaps Vinny is swinging with the brothers, but there is no way in holy hell that I’ll believe for one second that Snooki is like a “pinhole” downstairs.  The first piece of a Russian nesting doll, yes.  A pinhole?  No dice.
  • While the “ladies” hit the beach to get the sand all greasy, Sammi SweatStains stays back at the house because I believe she has a case of the Shasta McNasty’s and needs to be by the toilet.  Grandpa Situation basically confirms to Sammi that everything in the letter was true.  This isn’t overly shocking, but what does surprise me during this conversation is that Grandpa Sitch’s accent and “swagger” seems to be missing.  He’s pronouncing all of this letters and hasn’t said “yo,” “son,” or “dog” at all.  It’s like he’s actually speaking like a 30-year old.  Odd.  Well, odd and boring.  Bring back Duncey McDroopy-Face!
  • Did Angelina Trash Bags really have anything to do with “the letter?”  Not really, right?  Well Snooki and JWoww ShamWow are hell-bent on telling her that she’s to blame as much as the rest of them.  So, as her punishment (besides being from Staten Island) is to go in the house and tell Sammi to come outside so that “the ladies” can have a talk with her.  Yeah, no.  That doesn’t go over so well which can only mean one thing.  JWoww is going to start yelling and clapping in Sammi’s face.  I have to admit I really like when ShamWow does the “yell-clap.”  It keeps me alert, following along, and even makes me start to bob my head a bit.  It’s great exercise whilst sitting on my couch.
  • After JWoww screams and claps at the whole house, to the point where I actually had to lower my TV so that my neighbors didn’t think there was a domestic dispute going on at my residence, Sammi makes it outside and Ronnie goes over to talk to her and tell her if she needs space he’ll give it to her and he doesn’t mean he’s going to “do me right now.”  I knew this episode was missing something.  It was the “do you” and the “do me right now” theme.  Anyway, as they’re talking I zone out as I literally see an ab-workout machine resting up against Snooki’s sombrero under a palm tree and, well, that is seriously what they should just rename this show, “Ab Machine Sombrero” because that pretty much sums up this Miami season.
  • Sammi keeps saying that she’s embarrassed and looks like an idiot for all that Ronnie did to her.  In her defense, her giant oversized hoop earrings make her look more like an idiot.  Honestly, Snooki could hula-hoop in them.  Wait a second, that’s about the size I’d like to use for Snooki’s vag comparison.  Never mind the Russian nesting doll.  She’s about as “small” as Sammi SweatStain’s hoop earrings.  Ding! Ding! Ding!
  • Also, why is Sammi even talking to Ronnie right now and why is he making it seem like he’s trying to help her through this situation?  Isn’t it his fault?  More importantly, why do I care?  Oh that’s right.  I’m a tool.
  • Well, Vinny may have pink-eye again.  Either that or maybe Snooki sat on his face and he has eye-crabs?  It’s a toss up either way.  Nevertheless, Vinny and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta head out to the eye doctor to see what exactly is wrong.  Sleep well, America, because Vinny only has come down with a case of dry-eye and will live after all.  However, before he leaves the nurse asks him if he’s Italian and when he replies “yes” she asks him why he’s so white.  Brilliant.  They all have a hearty laugh and then I’ll just assume the doctor gave him some coupons to go and get a healthy and safe tan in the booth.  She probably told him to up his cigarette intake and to start taking steroids in order to “bulk up.”  I’m sure we’ll see that in the Season 2 DVD, soon to be released.
  • We’re 30 minutes into the episode and we’re FINALLY at “da club.”  I had my club clothes on for half-an-hour just waiting and I’m just taking my glow-sticks out of the freezer now?  How rude! (shout out to Jodie Sweetin)
  • After dancing with some filthy pig in a J Lo jumper for 5 minutes, Grandpa Situation brings her back home to bang the last drop of dignity out of her on national television, but not before making her sit in the bedroom by herself while he literally makes himself a plate of food and then goes to smoke a cigarette.  So basically it’ll be like she’ll be banging a garbage disposal…you know, a typical Friday night for this trash bag.
  • Also, why is Grand Sitch wearing Shaggy’s outfit from Scooby Doo?  No joke, it’s the legit costume I think.  Anyway, after the 15 second bang-session the reason why he banked $5 million this year happens in 3….2….1.  He rubs her stomach for about 2 seconds and then tells her to get dressed and that he already called her a cab.  Awesome.  I’m sure he just has a button next to his bed where when he’s done he just presses it and it automatically alerts the local cab company to send out a taxi STAT.  That was easy!
  • So what’s up with Snooki’s new headband/forehead-band that she’s been sporting all crapisode?  Did she steal that from Teresa Guidice or because it’s “Jersey” everyone just shares them?  As sidenote and cross-reference, Snooki kinda of looks like Teresa’s husband Joe, but with boobs.  Actually, just with bigger boobs.  And she has a little more spunk.  Other than that, same-same.
  • It’s “the ladies” turn to cook dinner for the house and Snooki and JWoww head out to do some food shopping.  After Snook’s loses the shopping list JWoww takes some tomato cans off the shelf and then freaks out when she thinks the rest are going to fall off the shelf.  I believe her reaction is a sign that she may have had the bag beaten out of her in a previous relationship.  Just a guess.
  • When it’s time to cook I have no idea why the girls aren’t wearing hairnets.  I mean, sure, they have enough hairspray in there to stop a charging rhino, but still some of their weave could fall out and make its way into the Vodka sauce…which was made with a gallon of the cheapest Vodka on the market.  Sidenote, it was great to see Snooki pour a ton of it onto the stove and watch everything catch on fire.  Had she been wearing her sombrero, Snooki would have been a human tiki torch.
  • Sammi SweatStains didn’t really help with anything except making a salad with her hands and then she didn’t eat anything.  This is the same routine that DJ Tanner pulled when she was trying to get into “bathing suit shape” for Kathy Santone’s pool party.  Wow, two Full House references in one JS recap.  Is this technically my rock bottom?
  • The “next day” while at the gelato shop that customers seem to never go to, Sammi and Angelina start to bond since they now have no one else in the house to talk to.  Angelina lets the cat out of the bag and basically lets her know that Snooki and JWoww wrote the note to Sammi.  Well, I’m sure the events to follow will go smoothly.
  • Grandpa Situation’s sister is going to be hanging out with the gang tonight, which makes Vinny a little uneasy since he hooked up with her last season.  Uh, and this season he hooked up with Snooki.  So did he trade up or trade down?  All I know is that my crotch itches.
  • Vinny Funny Moment of the Night:  When showing off his new “bling” to JWoww she asks him if it’s real.  He replies, “It’s like your t*ts.  It looks sick, but it’s fake.”  Bravo Vinny, bravo.  He’s giving Pauly D/Ellen Travolta a run for his money with the one-liners.  Also, it’s not normal that I’m starting to actually like some of these people.  With the exception of Sammi, Ronnie and Angelina, I’d like to grab a beer with the rest of them and then, you know, get the crap kicked out of me for teeing off on them for two seasons.  Eh, circle of life.
  • While at “da club” everyone is dancing (awkwardly) and having a good time (alcohol induced).  Grandpa Situation is having so much fun that he is most likely dancing with a tranny.  No joke, he is.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but just sayin’.  The rest of the roommates are trying to say that they think it’s a tranny because  she’s wearing a collar around her neck so you can’t see the Adam’s Apple and she’s wearing gloves so you can’t see her hands.  Oh, did no one notice her balls hanging out of her skirt because, 9 times out of 10, that’s the dead giveaway.  They all end up making up a rule that says, “If you have to think about it…it is.”  The More You Know (cue the shooting star).
  • Everyone else is trashed too.  Snooki is so drunk that she tells JWoww that she wants to go to the bathroom to dance and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta needs to be walked out of “da club” because, well, he can barely walk and, spoiler alert, his hair is messed up.  He ends up making out with Angelina Trash Bags in the back of the cab.  She looks like she’s ready to squeal with delight.  Perhaps her “marriage” dream to Pauly D will come true after all.
  • In the end, after Angelina is caught talking smack a fight (shocker) erupts in the house and to be honest I’ve been waiting for this all season.  It’s finally the part where JWoww says to Sammi, “Did you grow balls all of a sudden?”  to which Sammi replies, “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  Those two lines have been in my head since the season preview over a month ago.  I think all women should just start saying that no matter where you are or what someone says to you.  (Example) Starbucks Employee: “Would you like anything else with your Grande iced coffee?”  You: “I’ve always had balls, honey!”  (Example) Police Officer Pulling You Over for Speeding: “License and registration, ma’am.”  You:  “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  (Example) Priest At Your Wedding:  “My dear, repeat after me.  I take you to be my husband in sickness and in health….”  You:  “I’ve always had balls, honey.”  See how that works?
  • JWoww gets in Sammi’s face to “step up, yo, step up!”  Sammi says she doesn’t fight because she’s mature and classy.  Haha brilliant.  I’d love to see the gag reel for this one.  You know as soon as she said it someone yelled “cut” and they all burst out laughing.
  • ShamWow ends up pushing Sammi’s face and then pushes her down to the ground.  I’d say she owned Sammi…that is until Sammi got back up and punched her directly in the face.  Well…almost.  We’ll have to see next week if the punch actually connected to JWoww’s face.  What a cliffhanger!  This is bigger than “Who shot JR?”

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