Like an innocent night that starts out with just one simple beer and leads to 12, I have almost no recollection of what actually happened last night on Jersey Shore. I think it’s safe to assume that abnormally short and orange-shaded people were drunk and fell down, but I’m thinking there must have been more to fill the hour than just that? Oh, there wasn’t? Oh. Since the level of love I’m receiving from these Jersey Shore recaps is dying faster than VaDeena’s soul, let’s just briefly chat it out about some of the “high” points from last night criggity-crapisode.
1. Roger Fights Blurry Faced Bar Patrons – When some dude with a blurred out face tries to prevent JWoww ShamWow from leaving “da club” he may have gone too far by pulling down her shirt a smidge. Her boyfriend Roger, who may or may not actually be Grandpa Sitch’s biological father, spewed out the typical Jersey pleasantries by telling the guy to “Go take a walk, buddy.” Since words really aren’t technically weapons, he decided to punch this guy in the face, nearly knocking the blur off of it and revealing who he really was. Sadly, this young patron with severe liver damage, burnt skin, and “Hitler mustache eyebrows” was kicked out of Karma never to be seen or heard from again. Thanks to Roger, JWoww’s breasts are safe in their shirt tonight. Sleep well America. Sleep well.
2. It’s “Opposites Day” at Pedophile Manor – Since the ladies of Pedophile Manor are trying to get it in on the regular, a drunken night after “da club” only makes them more like rabid raccoons in heat. Do raccoons even have sex? I’m not quite sure. They may lay eggs at the bottom of the ocean and then hibernate for the winter. At least that’s how I think it works. Either way, Snooki and JWoww both are horned up and slurry, yet their boyfriends would rather not touch them if at all possible. In Jionni’s defense he’s been forcing himself to throw up after a night of drinking and would rather just sleep, which makes sense because he’s going to have a long day ahead of him of scrubbing last nights bronzer off of his Danny DeVito-like body. Meanwhile, Roger would rather eat petite chicken salad sandwiches made by Grandpa Sitch. Remember when this show was good?
3. Seriously, What’s Mentally Wrong With Ronnie? – I’m not even joking. He’s like the guy from I Am Sam, right? During his one on one interview about Roger and JWoww not having sex he just keeps making himself laugh by saying that Roger needs to…wait for it…wait for it….take his Viagra. Get it? He’s old and, clearly, 1997 Viagra jokes are still all the craze on the Shore. Seriously, where’s my gong when I need it!? Oh Ronnie, take more Xendrine and just keep on keepin’ it real.
4. Crab Jokes are the New Viagra Jokes – The douche bag brigade decides to do a little fishing for crabs off the dock because, well, they’ve already fist-fought each other over the past 2 years so it’s time to try a new activity and, clearly, fishing is it. Everyone decides to make the obligatory “I caught crabs” joke, which is extremely ironic because I’m pretty sure if you flipped through their baby books you’d learn that “I caught crabs” was also their first words. Awww, Jersey. So cute (shake my rattle). Grandpa Sitch decides to stop fishing and daintily lay out on the dock in his standard Suzanne Somers “Thigh Master” pose all whilst the gang places a tiny crab on his chest. Sitch, per usual, freaks the F out and if it wasn’t so damn windy out I’m sure we would have heard him squeal. Also, had he be sporting a pearl necklace he certainly would have been clutching them.
5. Greasy Fried Meatballs in a Boat – Since Snooki is single handedly trying to do anything to save this show, she and VaDeena decide it’s time to get off the dock and into an inflatable boat. Here, here! I have to admit this was one part of the crapisode that I actually laughed at. First off, it’s so windy that Snooki and VaDeena are almost blown off the dock and into the water with their boat, which is fitting since they’ve most likely done a lot of blowing themselves on said dock. Once they make it into the water they just float around, almost get stuck under the dock, and then start screaming when the boat is rocking after Ronnie partially deflated it (just like he’s done to Sam’s heart. See what I did there?). VaDeena tries to use her Nonni sausage arms to lift herself out of the inflatable boat and into an actual boat, but the gang is yelling for her to be careful because the boat is sharp (?). They keep yelling, “Sharp! Sharp!” but since the gel from VaDeena’s hair is now running into her ears she thinks they’re yelling “Shark! Shark!” Oh what fun. It was a real hoot watching VaDeena try to abandon Snooki on the raft all whilst stretched out between that raft and the real boat. I’m pretty sure that’s the most exercise VaDeena has experienced this fiscal year. I felt like I’d choose the fiscal year as an odd reference point. Achieved. Anyjunk, the “girls” are safe because they realize that they’re only in about 3 feet of water. So it’s only up to their chin(s).
6. The Stalker Is Getting More Screen Time Than Ronnie/Sam Combined – Vanessa the stalker is back! This time around JWoww decides to confront her outside the t-shirt store. What was more interesting to me (besides the fact that I’m almost certain, again, that she’s really Taylor Lautner with a braid) is how dozens and dozens of people just stand outside of the t-shirt store and watch them work. Really? Fine, I’d do it too. But still, I’d never sign the waiver for them to show my face! Fine, I would. But I wouldn’t draw attention to myself! Fine, I’d wear a giant IBBB foam hat. But I’d certainly never stalk someone! Fine, I have. But it never would be someone from a reality show! Fine, guilty as charged. But I certainly wouldn’t freeze up like the stalker did when JWoww started talking to her on camera! Fine, I’d zone out like Cindy Brady on that random game show when the red light went on. Either way, Vanessa the stalker is creeptastic and I fell in love with her the second she tried to hide whatever was in her giant bag with a flannel blanket. I don’t know why everyone was trying to figure out what she had in the bag. Obviously it was the aborted baby she had after a one-night stand with Pauly D. Are abortion jokes in poor form during the Lenten season? Most likely. I’ll give myself ashes to make up for it. P.S., remember “Blessing of the Throats?” I used to love that. Me and my sister use to steal the candlesticks from my parents dining room table and play “Blessing of the Throats” all the live-long-day. Explains a lot.
7. To the “I’m a D.T.F Girl” – You officially made yourself look like a slut on national television. Your parents must be beaming with pride and I’m sure future employers can’t wait to get their hands on you! Literally.
8. I Admit It, I Like the Bunny Suit – There, I said it. I love props. I love props when you’re drinking. It just increases the happiness of life. And it always cracks me up when Snooki has the bunny head on and pushes her boobs together and dances. Call me old fashioned.
9. Snooki Likes “The Drink” – If there’s one thing that Snooki enjoys, it’s being a drunky drunkerson. She and VaDeena are drinking their facia brutas off and even when “da club” closes they decided to continue the party into the ocean, by hopping the fence at the beach and going for a little late night swim. Nothing like dunking the beaver into the salt water at 2am to really clean things up. This suddenly turns into the poor mans “Cherish” video as we watch VaDeena flail her arms and roll around in the water and onto the sand like a, you guessed it, beached whale. Sadly, those soda can plastic rings that seagulls always seem to get their head caught in was nowhere to be found on this faithful night. I would have loved to see VaDeena and Snooki with their heads caught in the 6-pack plastic rings whilst being ushered off the beach by the 5-0. While we’re at it, I’d also like to feed them Pop Rocks and Coke and, well, just let the chips fall where they may. Romeo and Juliet, they never felt this way, I bet so don’t underestimate my point of view.
10. In the End – In the end other stuff happened, like Snooki buying a mini motorcycle for Ronnie, hijacking it from him, drunkenly riding it, almost riding over an old man (who oddly asked her to stop riding in front of him), and then almost crashing it onto the sand. Oh, and they’re still trying to push this whole “Vinny/Snooki/Jionni love triangle.” I couldn’t care less. I’m just interested in Snooki sneaking back to the outdoor bar to down her shots and go the hell home. Just think, one day Snooki is going to be a mother. I hope they film that. And I hope they air it on OWN. She needs the help.
11. Join Me on Facebook – Because I’m drunk in a boat on my Facebook page. You should see it. Click here to join me!