Go fist pump your muffler because it’s time for another trashtastic crapisode of Jersey Shore. Just to ensure that I throw away my sandwich during the first 15 seconds, MTV has decided to give us all a friendly reminder of VaDeena sticking her midget tongue down Pauly D/Ellen Travolta’s garbage can of a throat. You totally know that at exactly 10:02 pm all of the eastern half of the United States was making the same grossed out face at the same time. In order to keep the level of class at a 10, Snooki is asking Pauly D is he is interested in knocking on VaDeena’s front door and delivering a package into her vagina. I actually just cleaned up what Snooki really said. Pauly D is all for banging the bag out of VaDeena but he wants to make sure that when he does she doesn’t freak out and develop feelings for him the next day. After the entire club ensures him that VaDeena is dead inside, he comes to terms with the fact that he will eventually be making sex to Rhea Perlman with extensions. And don’t get all up in arms about him leading VeDeena on. Oh no sir. VaDeena is all up for a quick bang followed by a restful slumber. She’s basically a Slutbot. Or, in Italian, “Il Slutbot.”
The voice of reason, however, at “da club” is JWoww or what looks to be what once resembled JWoww. She’s more of a mix between a praying mantis and the chick from the Aeon Flux cartoon. I mean the fact that I just pulled that show out of my ass is a god-damn wonder. It’s a good night for me, clearly. And since I’ve been running lately and am looking for a charity run to take part in I’m hoping that I can soon sign up for the JWoww LHS Fun Run (LHS = Lollipop Head Syndrome). She’s starting to get a little too close to Carol Seaver during the anorexic seasons. But I digress.
Some of the favorite parts of any Jersey Shore episode for me is the walk home after a long night out of drinking until they can’t see straight. Enter VaDeena. Vaddy is a slurring hot mess of a Slutbot. She immediately falls while walking into Bowzer’s Castle and then, eventually, down the stairs. With the weight she’s put on and the amount of black and blue’s she has it’s only a matter of time before someone on the streets shouts at her, “Violet, you’re turning violet!” Eh, who am I kidding, she’s totally Augustus’ mother! Meanwhile, our lady of leisure, JWoww, is running with her legs closed (for a change) because she really needs to take a piss and decides she no longer wants to do it in public. Oh JWoww! Well, she’s all you ever want. She’s the kind they’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. Well she always knows her place, she’s got style she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Whoa whoa whoa, she’s a lady. And the lady is miiiine.
This time, however, my favorite thing was’t the drunken slurs, the falling down the stairs, or JWoww tucking her penis. Oh no, my friends, oh no. You see what is my favorite thing I have ever seen in my entire life was, of course, the puppet Pierre that VaDeena had. I don’t know if I’m tired or drunk or what have you, but I found myself laughing and clapping every time VaDeena would make that Marionette do funny dance moves. Forget the grenade horn because I’m shaking the cushions of my couch for loose change so I can get me one of those Italian puppets on strings. Bravo, Pierre, bravo! I would throw roses at my television if I believed in buying things for other people.
By the very end of the night the Slutbot is in heat. We know this because she has arrived to Pauly D’s bed sans pants and sans underwear. All we had was a very large little blur covering her naughty bits (with horrific under ass tan lines/boxes) as she tried to wake up a fake-sleeping Pauly D so that she could get it in and then go back to bad. But, alas, Pauly D was not open for business and the Slutbot was forced to slowly walk back to her own room to dry-hump her headboard. As a public service announcement, all of Italy should Lysol their eyes. This does not apply to the United States or to The America. This is new to Italy and they do not know what they see.
I have to admit, this season in Italy is already paying off because everyone got f**king stupid and they got f**king stupid quick. VaDeena, the dumbest of them all, apparently doesn’t realize she’s actually in Italy and must assume she’s on a soundstage in LA because while at the grocery store she can’t seem to comprehend why all the food is written in a different language. She just keeps saying things like, “I can’t read what it says, is this bread?” Yup, the food has not changed shape. Just because you’re in Italy doesn’t mean that bread is now bright blue and in the shape of an octagon. It still looks like bread, stupid. Oh, and water isn’t fluffy. Even our resident brainiac, Sammi SweatStains is having a hard time in a foreign land when she opens up the refrigerator and freaks out over what is wrong with the strawberries. She keeps saying, “Ew what’s wrong with these strawberries?!” It takes the knowledge of another cast-mate to let her know that they’re small because they are, in fact, raspberries. Later, when they see a building with a cross on it that’s about 20 feet tall they all assume that they’re looking at the Vatican. Because, yes, the Vatican also doubles as one giant gift shop on its off-days. If I didn’t have to be in work I’d been on the first plane to Italy to do flashcards with these dumb bitches until they learned how to function at at least a 2 year old level.
The middle of the show is filled with some, well, filler. Like, Snooki is arguing with her boyfriend over the phone and Grandpa Sitch gets all creepy and tries to console her. He’s like Al Bundy trying to relive his Polk High days. The ship, like your youth, has sailed. Oh, and Yawny apparently has some random chick back home named Hannah that he’s going to fly over to Italy to be his “guest.” I’m sure Sammi won’t become a cutter after that happens. And finally, more filler takes place when the gang gets a job at the local pizzeria because, at the end of the day, we haven’t hit every possible stereotype yet and it’s only the second episode.
Let’s get back to really important things, like everyone being trashed…but no one being more trashed than Yawny. This is the actual moment when Yawny comes to life and goes from Yawny to Ronnie. Now, for those of you playing along at home, this is very close to the line when Yawny turns into Ronnie who then turns into Ike and, well, then we all lose but when that happens no one loses more than Sammi/AnnaMae. Still reading? Good. Ronnie is a sweaty drunken mess at “da club.” He’s doing those weird dance moves where he’s kinda almost punching and he’s kinda almost doing Russian kicks, but one thing is for certain and that one thing is that his t-shirt starts to look like a dress when he dances. Basically, had Snooki been wearing it it would have been a gown. Ronnie is wiping the sweat off his forehead and barely even notices that he has dried toilet paper now stuck to his eye lid. I assumed it was the Xendrine seeping from his pores and fizzing at first, but I was wrong. As he starts to brag to Vinny (who is apparently still on the show) about how he already banged 4 girls in “da club” (huh?) Sammi is busy reading his lips and freaking out over his conversation so in order to defuse the situation, Ronnie begins to actually Vogue in Sammi’s face. Because, you know, that’s how they do it in Italy. It’s like 1991 all. the. time.
More falls take place on the walk home, once again. Ronnie hits the cobblestone road like a ton of bricks, but evidently a drunken Ronnie is spry because he bounced right back up and continued on his walk. I would like to go on record stating that I have never said the word “spry” and never typed the word “spry” in my entire life. Full disclosure, I didn’t even know I knew what that word meant but, well, it just came to me. I guess those flash cards are really starting to pay off. Anycokeeyes, after Ronnie falls we soon find out that VaDeena is not-shockingly in any better shape. She almost makes it home before they need to pretend they’re sober so that the Italian police don’t arrest them for public intoxication…or just for being American. Whichever is the harsher offense. VaDeena held it together long enough to make it into the front door and then take a digger after about 2 more steps. Luckily her boobs acted has air bags and protected her from an ill fate. Why am I writing like I’m Shakespeare? Must be Italy. I feel very cultural.
Back at Bowzer’s Castle, Grandpa Sitch brought back some desperate chick from Florida who lives in Italy, has no class, no self worth, and is fine with being captured on film for this show. After about 2 minutes into bedroom and us being forced to look at Grandpa Sitch’s double chin while the Floridian uses her mouth for his pleasure (allegedly…don’t sue me, I have nothing) he calls her a cab and she frolics out of the house as quickly as can be all whilst Snooki yells out at her “Toodles, whore!” Good old Snooki. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I actually want to split a 30 pack with both Snooki and Pauly D. There, I said it. I feel better now.
Grandpa Sitch gets real creepy with Snooki after the Floridian leaves by telling her he has feelings for her and he knows she feels something too. What’s with Grandpa Sitch’s hair this season? I mean, it’s fine that he has a gelled perm, but must he constantly twirl his curls with his finger the whole time? It’s grossing me out. He’s like this generations Snidely Whiplash. Anylalooks, Snooki keeps saying she doesn’t think of Grandpa as anything more than a friend and he keeps saying that it’s his opinion that she does. It’s my opinion that I will one day be on television, but just because it’s your opinion doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. That’s how that works. Speaking of creepy scenes, Vinny and Yawny just got in the jacuzzi to apparently make the first batch of Italian douche bag stew. They’re like the Italian version of Ernie and Bert, only less orange and with less hair.
In the end I somehow lose track of what day or night we’re supposed to be watching and apparently it’s a whole new night and Sitch is drunk and tries to snuggle with VaDeena in her bed. She wants no part of it and gets up to get a cigarette instead of, you know, catching a little something I like to call an STD. Meanwhile, Pauly D has Pierre, the marionette, first pumping and I am squealing with delight. I. Need. To. Get. A. Marionette. It wouldn’t be a true episode of Jersey Shore if Sammi and Ronnie weren’t drunk and Sammi tries to throw herself at Ronnie and cry when he doesn’t give in to her advances. I have to admit I did laugh when drunken Sammi hit “da club” floor and when Ronnie was picking her up she just said, “I’m drunk as f**k.” That you are, Sam, that you are. Even after Ronnie says he doesn’t want to talk about their relationship at “da club” she continues to chase him through it. I mean, come on, even AnnaMae stopped eating the cake after a while. Sam better be ready to, take 5. We all better get ready to take 5 because if these two decide to get back together it’s going to be a looooong season. Also, Sammi looks like Spike from Tom and Jerry. Good night!
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