It’s been a busy crapisode of Jersey Shore and by “busy” I mean “no one punched someone until 45 minutes in.” I guess it’s times like this where we should just be grateful that punches are being thrown at all. I hear in some countries, their reality show casts aren’t allowed to hit at all! Can you imagine that? I am proud to be an American. Never Forget. Anytheyarelesstaninitaly, to make sure things start off nice and slow we all get to experience what it would be like if Franklin the Turtle came to life, got a patchy tan, and wore a neck brace. Enter, Grandpa Sitch. I feel like I should just start calling him “El Tortuga” because, well, it’s self explanatory if you know my dedication to the Spanish language. Ole! Grandpa Tortuga is moping around the castle because his neck hurts so much that he can barely lay on the couch and twirl his gel curls with his creepily long space alien finger. You know the one. All the girls think that he’s faking it (they would know) and I think they may be on to something and on something all at the same time. Sure Sitch got an MRI, but it was in Italy. I mean, an MRI in Italy consists of you putting you head in a pot of marinara while Super Mario takes your picture with a disposable camera. Did I hit every stereotype? Eh, at least this is what I learned from my 7th grade social studies book about Italy. I went to a Catholic school…we could barely afford up-to-date books…and the pages were always stuck together. Probably from the priests beating off to the pictures of naked jungle children. Better them than us. Better. Them. Than. Us. Now where the hell was I?
While Grandpa Tortuga is throwing a pity party and pretending that he wants to pack up his stuff and go home because he can’t GTL (doctors orders) Ronnie comes on by to offer Sitch his support and even give him some words of wisdom which are, and I quote, “It’s not always about being tough, it’s about being real.” Hahaha! Yes! You totally know Xenadrine paid him to say that because if it’s one thing we know about Ronnie it’s that he’s “all about keeping it real.” Oh, and shoving girls. He’s all about that too. Allegedly. Reportedly. Replegedly. I have to admit, I kinda feel for Sitch mainly because I too wear a neck brace when I watch this show because I typically smash my head into the wall after making it 30 minutes in. And, full transparency, I kinda want one of those Italian MRIs. It’s Mario Time!
Other things happen in this episode too, like when Snooki was wheeling her laundry all around Italy with her rack hanging out. You know, the norm. However, just when we thought the heckling was left to the lay-people of Italy, a priest gets involved and yells at Snooki to “cover up her body when she walks by the church.” Oh, I’m sorry suddenly the church is getting involved in inappropriate behavior? If I were them I’d just focus on the Diddles McGees holed up in the rectory. Holed. Rectory. Giggity. Anysaysixhailmarys, Snooki won’t take crap from anyone, priests included, and tells him to “shut up” and yells out “a**hole” as she keeps walking. Yeah, something tells me Jesus will be playing this tape for Snooki when she’s at the gates of Heaven. Something also tells me He’ll be pulling up my blog on a heavenly laptop and will, most likely, have a few questions. I, of course, will beg that they bring purgatory back. ImBringingPurgatoryBack#. Hash tag! Hash tag! Hash tag!
Snooki later continues her potty mouth by talking to the Jionni, also known as Donnie Downer, over the phone and telling him that she wants to “suck his butt.” Awww, young love. Jionni is less than psyched with Snooki’s whorish mouth and starts sassin’ her over the phone. This kid needs to relax. It’s only fair that she gets to suck his butt since he’ll get to suck the money out of her bank account. All is fair in love and tanned white trash war. However, every couple needs someone to give them some words of wisdom and, clearly, that person providing relationship insight should definitely be Ronnie. He lets Snooki know that she shouldn’t change herself for anyone else and she needs to just be herself. He’s totally right. Ronnie won’t change for anyone, including the cameras who season after season capture him pushing Sammi whilst drunk and destroying his roommates personal property on the regular. Yeah, so just be yourself because here in “The America” that gets you a $100,000 an episode television deal, diet pill endorsements, and being a household name. This is clearly what Christopher Columbus was after when he discovered America. He did, right? Damn my lack of social studies certainty!
I could talk about Ronnie and Sammi having another heart-to-heart and finally deciding to get back together again (again, again, again, again) even after Vinny confronted them about being trash boxes each and every day, but I won’t. I’ll only reference a new phrase that Sammi SweatStains has incorporated into her fights with Ron. You may remember, “You do you” and the ever popular, “Know that!” Well, the new one is, “You’ve done me dirty.” I mean, they both vacation regularly at the Jersey Shore…is there any other way to do somebody than dirty? Doubtful. I guess doing someone dirty is better than doing you. At least you don’t need your hands. Moving right along.
Later, since VaDeena is the size of a Troll and Pauly D/Ellen Travolta looks like a Troll doll, it only makes sense that VaDeena gets to wash and do Pauly D’s hair. When it was all wet I actually had no idea what I was looking at. I was hoping MTV would give his hair sub-titles but, alas, they didn’t. It almost looked like one of those toilet seat covers that is kinda shaggy and rug-like, but had some good old-fashioned kink to it. VaDeen took a couple of pumps…of gel to her hand and went to work on styling Pauly D’s cabeza. His hair looked like it hurt. But, in the end, she did what she does best and used her hand vigorously until she transformed it into a faux-hawk. He loved it. It was a faux-hawk with a gelled, curly, wet, half-a-pony-tail in the back. What’s not to love. This gave Pauly D and Vinny (because he has nothing original to contribute…ever) new alter egos named Joey D and Louie. They were trying to pretend to be “guidos’ which was weird because that’s like me trying to pretend I’m a loser blogger. Nevertheless, hereto, moreover, and therefore the best thing to come out of all of this was our new saying of the season which is, of course, FPC. What does FPC stand for, you ask? Good question kids! What FPC means is Fist Pumps, Push Ups, Chapstick. It’s the new DTF, which was the old GTL. I’m sure Pauly D/Ellen Travolta already has this trademarked and is banking another million from it as we speak. I hate to admit it, but Pauly D is turning into my hero right before my very eyes.
Random Question of the Night: Why do they keep showing a random portrait of, like, Marie Antoinette behind Sammi in all of her one-on-one interviews? Some questions just don’t have answers. Marie Antoinette is the sweetest b*tch you’ll ever meet.
Well, it wouldn’t be a complete episode without a nice trip to “da club.” Thank God! I was starting to fall asleep and by “fall asleep” I mean, well, I actually mean “fall asleep.” I’m old and this laptop is burning my pinnacle. “Da club” is pumping tonight and Ronnie is so excited to be back in a relationship with Sam for 12 minutes that he’s drank himself blind which can only mean one thing for us….CRAZY LEGS! “Horray!” shouted the villagers. Ronnie sticks to his standard dance moves which no one does in the history of ever because he thinks it looks good. I swear to God if I was ever at “da club” and saw someone dancing like that I would turn the fire extinguisher on them and yell for them to stop, drop, and roll. During his “crazy legs” dancing, Ron hits the ground and busts his knee. But that doesn’t slow him down! Oh no! He’s on enough vodka and Xenedrine to cartwheel across the Grand Canyon so he just gets right back up and kinda dry-humps the air. In some parts of Italy I believe that’s technically a wedding ritual. Again, I don’t know as I don’t speak Italian and I don’t know all rituals.
While Ronnie is having a blast in his pants, the females of “da club” are giving our Jersey Shore girls a real hard time and JWoww ShamWow, her new oddly shaped head, Snooki, and VaDeena are not having it. There’s a z-snap in there somewhere. Some rust dumpster ends up throwing her drink on VaDeena so VaDeena charges her like a rhino in heat and next thing you know Snooki goes after said girl too. Punches are flying, cameras are shaking, bouncers are grabbing at meatballs. Apparently this has turned into an episode of Tom & Jerry because midst fight two girls end up pull each others hair…but it just ended up being VaDeena and Snooki. No joke. They were pulling each others hair and didn’t even know it. That’s probably why the look on everyone’s face in “da club” was, “Why are Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito in a fist fight here in Italy?”
In the end, Snooki and Jionni have turned into the new Ronnie and Sam and just fight every time they talk on the phone. In Snooki’s defense, Jionni appears to be a p*ssy and pisses and moans about everything that Snooki does and says. Pick up your dress and grab your balls, Jionni, because you’re in a relationship with Snooki. Be grateful she’s not giving sh*t kisses to the walls with her dirty a**hole. Ronnie and Sam keep trying to give Snooki relationship advice, but isn’t that sorta like getting home decorating advice from a homeless person? Pretty much. Although they can do wonders with cardboard boxes these days. Go Green!
Not to be out done on the Drunk-o-Meter, VaDeena is trashed and calls up that random waiter dude at 4 in the morning and asks him to come over to the castle so he can, most likely, get it in. In order to get ready for his visit, she tries to get her fat a** up on the counter so she can get another bottle of wine because, at the end of the day, she really needs it the same way she needed that second helping at Sunday dinner…youknowhatImean? Once the random waiter gets there, within minutes VaDeena has already broken a bottle of wine on the floor, knelt down on the broken glass when trying to clean it, cut up he knees and is all bloody, and kicked out the waiter before they got to hook up because he tried to explain the hickey on his neck by saying that it was from his “sister” who likes to “bite him” when they fight. So basically VaDeena is a cork block. See what I did there? You’re welcome.
I don’t care about Snooki’s relationship intervention.