Just in case the bleach that you poured through your ears, eyes, and nose didn’t burn the image of Pauly D/Ellen Travolta tonguing the grease out of VaDeena from two weeks ago, MTV is going to remind us again. Happy Birthday to me. I’m now officially sterile. And at only 21, what a shame. I’ve discovered that I’m liking these new characters that keep showing up versus the actual cast. These characters I’m talking about are things like: the coffee pot, Pierre the Marionette, and most recently the pigeon. After the completion of Grandpa Situation dipping his crusty knob into the human d*ck dumpster, she finally goes home and Grandpa Sitch is left to his time on the couch only to be awoken by the house pigeon. Luckily he didn’t freak out and only shrieked and fell off the couch when he saw it. I mean, he reacted like he his clinic doctor just flew into the room with his latest round of results. Hey-oh! I wish this site has a gong because I would, well, gong the sh*t out of it right about now.
However, Grandpa Sitch isn’t the only one looking for love in all the creepy places because VaDeena is trying to find new and innovative ways to get it in as well. This time around VaDeena is out having a little bite to eat (and by little I mean a lot) when she feasts her eyes on the waiter, a small boy with missing hair, a choppy beard, and diddler’s eyes. In VaDeena’s world she just hit the jackpot. She asks him if he wants him to have her phone number. I’m quite surprised this dude knows how to use the phone but, alas, she gives him “the digits” as Ricky Lake would say circa 1992. She also is quite impressed with his speech, I’m assuming, because she actually says out loud that “he actually speaks well English.” At first I thought she knew of some historic form of the English language called “Well English.” I was picturing Pilgrims forming a language in a well…and then later finding Baby Jessica in said well…but my mind typically goes off on tangent dreams so I’m stopping now. To sum up, VaDeena is bricks.
Later it’s a typical night at “da club.” All the regular things are happening like Snooki being dressed like a sluttier version of Carmen San Diego and running away and screaming from men who are trying to whisper Italian slop in her ear, Sammi SweatStains is half-moon eyes and slurring how she missed Yawny, and VaDeena is Jersey Turnpiking the d*ck off some dude…but not just any dude, Alex (?) the Italian waiter with that fancy English speaking talent. One must imagine that rubbing your didgeridoo against VaDeena’s ass must feel like reaching elbow deep into your couch trying to pick out loose change. Well, with less hair but still. Meanwhile, Grandpa Sitch landed himself some Italy’s version of The Olsen Twins and is as proud as can be. Never one to miss a beat, Pauly D during his one on one interview shouts out “Twinning!” Sure Charlie Sheen jokes are 6 months ago, but we’ll let it slide since this was taped about 6 months ago. Twinning! hash tag, hash tag, hash tag!
Clearly VaDeena’s doggie-bag was the waiter because she’s bringing him home to heat up and eat. I’m kidding, VaDeena always clears her plate at the restaurant. Whilst in the cab she’s trying to ask the Italian waiter how to say a girl is “easy” because she wants him to know that she is not that at all. He interprets that and says she is “simple.” At first I was like, no she means “easy” like “slutty” not “easy” like “the opposite of difficult” but then I looked at our little pint sized Rhea Perlman look-alike, heard her burp, and then realized, yes, she is “simple.” She’s simple like Corky and Amanda’s relationship. Corking! Hash tag, hash tag, hash tag!
Once VaDeena gets Alex back to Bowser’s Castle she’s all about the makeout, but doesn’t plan on “doing sex” because she’s a lady. She must have forgot she was, in fact, a lady because when Pauly D and Vinny were teeing off on her from the other room she goes in there and cusses them out. The next 3 minutes are basically bleeped out. She suddenly turns into Sam Kinison wearing Mrs. Roper’s negligee and, I must admit, I have never been more turned on. If only there was a cigarette hanging out of her mouth all while she was doing a keg stand during this scene, well, I may have climaxed. After all the truck-driver-yelling that falls out of VaDeena’s mouth she heads back into the room with Alex, speaking softly, and ready to let him blast in her glass. However, like the tooth fairy at about 3am, Alex slips out of VaDeena’s bed, down the hall, and out the front door never to be seen or heard from again! Imagine waking up, half sober, and realizing you just filmed an escape scene on Jersey Shore? Brilliant. Something tells me Jesus makes you watch that scene as your standing in front of the gates of Heaven and “the staff” is trying to figure out if you’re getting in. This “getting in” has a whole different meaning, trash bags.
Grandpa Sitch is the creepiest. While Snooki is talking on the phone to her dad he makes her hang up so he can try to make out with her. Gross. How he didn’t slip off her face is beyond me. He’s like the old creepy Level II gym teacher at your middle-school whose hand stayed on your back a little too long during your Scoliosis exam. Just me? Next.
Later, the Israeli stalker can finally move on with her life because “the twins” are, clearly, the new stalkers of the Jersey Shore. The poor mans Olsen Twins call Grandpa Sitch a good 10 times on the phone so they can invite themselves over to the house and make themselves look like complete walking bang buses on national television. If there was ever a time for a reality show person to dirt nap themselves, now would be it. Too soon? Eh, it’s my birthday, I’m allowed to go there. Anychickswhoarepermanentlydilatedtoten, the guys each take turns on the phone pretending they’re Sitch until Ronnie finally convinces them that he is Sitch and invites them over to the house. They have to be there in an hour so this gives them just enough time to pick out 10 out of 32 crabs clinging to their beaver cleaver and Febreeze the rest of themselves. Once they show up, Sitch is totally confused but not confused enough to not have his perm gelled and Ronnie is so proud of himself for pulling off this prank that he’s belting out a high-pitched squeak laugh followed by a gross belly laugh. Clearly these must be mating sounds to Sammi who’s in the other room, I’m sure, ready to yell out, “Hit me again, Ron!” And once again Pauly D provides the laughs by asking one twin, “If I pull your hair, will she feel it?” Bravo. Also, Pauly D looks purple in this crapisode.
Ugh. So Yawny and Yawny decide to get back together. That’s healthy. Sammi tells Yawny that she’s really changed (in the past 2 weeks) and likes who she is now (aka stopped puking after meals). The only thing that saved this scene for me was when Sammi said my favorite Ron/Sam catchphrase, “I let you do you.” Please, I’ve been doing me for months now and it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. Ronnie ends their conversation by saying that he’ll “give it a shot.” I’m assuming they edited out the part after the word “shot” where he probably continued by saying, “…to your face in the next episode.” AnnaMae will be eating the cake before you know it. I’m kidding. They’re in Italy. AnnaMae will be eating the Tiramisu. You bet…you better…you better eat yo Tiramisu, SammiMae!
It’s been a good 15 minutes so it only makes sense that we’re back at “da club” again. Anyone notice that “da club” in Italy looks an awful like Karma? This club, however, is called Flo. I’m assuming like the period. Either way, the gang is having a blast fisting each other fist pumping and beating the beat in a circle when all of a sudden “the twins’ break their way into the circle and start dancing too. These chicks are lame. Snooki, on the other hand, is keeping busy by talking with one of the twins and trying to convince her to have a threesome with her sister and Grandpa Sitch. This is kind of weird, no not because they’re sisters, but because Snooki is giving out advice on how to do this and she’s dressed like a greasier, skankier version of Minnie Mouse. Great. Now I have a vision of Minnie Mouse in a Donald and Daisy sandwich. I chose two ducks because, well, ducks are greasy. You know, when dead. However, Snooki’s plan may be foiled because VaDeena has set her sights on one of the twins and starts making out with her on “da dance floor.” She’s legit going to town. She’s so drunk now, though, that she probably thinks she’s doing a triple kiss with both twins. Get it? She sees double. I hate you. I hate me more.
By the way, is the chick who sings in the “Education Connection” commercial supposed to be Rebecca Black? Eh, makes no difference.
Everyone goes back to the house including the twins. The one twin is making out with VaDeena and now getting into her half-a-twin bed. Seriously, VaDeena’s ass can barely fit in that when it’s just her. Never mind when she has company. When VaDeena decides to take a break from going lez, she decides to head out to the kitchen for some food. Doing scissors works up an appetite. Meanwhile, the twin hops out of VaDeena’s bed and tries to get on top of Vinny, but ends up sliding right off of him and back onto the floor. This is what I picture happens to Snooki when flies land on her. Moments later while the twin is most likely using her mouth on Vinny’s privates, VaDeena comes back in says she wants the twin to come back into her bed immediately. This makes the twin fall out of Vinny’s bed, pantsless, and smash her head against the nightstand. I would just like to go on record stating that this NEVER happened on Three’s Company, but I’d assume it would had it never ended in 1983. I mean, it would have been like Weekend at Bernie’s with both Mr Firley and Jack Tripper (for obvious dead reasons) but still. Later, after making out, the twin starts to go down on VaDeena to whitewash VaDeena’s vageena, but VaDeena freaks out and decides to send the twin over to Vinny’s bed where this chick can get it in and VaDeen can get some much needed beauty sleep. Like, much needed. Like, life depending beauty sleep. I would also like to say that this twin, while bouncing bed to bed and body part to body part, is probably the sluttiest house guest that we’ve encountered in 3 seasons of Jersey Shore and, quite possibly, life.
In the end, it’s a classic game of “telephone” because Ronnie tells JWoww that Grandpa Sitch told him that he hooked up with Snooki when she was dating Gianni. This makes JWoww interrupt Snooki’s conversation with Sitch to tell her what she just learned. In turn, Snooki freaks the F out on Grandpa, but is more tame than usual because all she keeps saying to Mike is, “I don’t like you…we’re done…you’re a liar…I want nothing to do with you…and you’re a douche bag” over and over again. I was waiting for her to throw that wine bottle at Sitch, but that must be another week because I’m pretty sure I didn’t dream that. Although, I’m pretty sure I did dream this entire episode so, well, that’s that. Oh, and in the last 2 seconds, even after all the fighting, Sitch remembered he had that twin waiting in the room so he banged her. The end.